For poets who want unrestricted constructive criticism. This is NOT a vanity workshop. If you do not want your poem seriously critiqued, do not post here. Constructive criticism only. PLEASE Only Post One Poem a Day!!!
5/7/2010 8:18:29 PM
Michael Benkhen
Posts: 40
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I lie on ground so bare, as if nothing were ever there, in the effervescent air, dreaming.
Dreaming of a world yet to come, sucking on a sweet red plum,dreaming. I've never dreamt
before, sleep has always been a bore yet I somehow yearn for more, dreaming. A taste of
happiness, taken from a black crow's nest , served on a bed of lettuce, dressed. Watching
mother nature's best, dreaming. I cannot stop lying here, Breathing open air, upon the ground
so bare. Wishing for things that aren't there, dreaming.
- Is there anything I can improve?
edited by Apocapus on 5/9/2010
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The land is littered with the graves of animals I never killed yet somehow mourn.
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5/9/2010 10:33:10 AM
Michael Benkhen
Posts: 40
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Thank you...I may actually do that.
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The land is littered with the graves of animals I never killed yet somehow mourn.
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5/9/2010 11:55:03 AM
Debbie Guzzi
Posts: 12
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Is the verse posted on the site? Is this the accurate layout? You could use a few commas and to remove a few commas. Sorry I'm not sure how to show you here? Also, take a pass at the verse without using the word "I"
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5/9/2010 4:37:08 PM
Michael Benkhen
Posts: 40
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No I meant it to be this way...I like to read it fast...because how it sounds so wonderful to me...It's one big list...separated by commas, periods or anything in the like.
I can understand your criticism and I take it...but After the last Revision I'm completely satisfied.
I don't know how to classify it...perhaps something of wild verse or speed verse...since I encourage people to really flow into it.
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The land is littered with the graves of animals I never killed yet somehow mourn.
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5/9/2010 5:09:30 PM
Daniel Corcoran
Posts: 28
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a good poem, no need to make anymore changes than you already have. its got a good flow as you intended and theres nothing at all wrong with using the word I.
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5/9/2010 7:19:53 PM
Anthony Amero
Posts: 4
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Dude ... good poem. I get the message and flow. This is good. Don't know if this version is the rewrite or not, but I like what I am reading.
Tony
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5/16/2010 11:01:39 PM
Amy Green
Posts: 8
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I , also, really enjoyed the poem. But it is hard to read because of the layout. It's almost like reading run-on sentences...trying using better form, a better layout. Make it easier on the eye to read.
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5/19/2010 12:38:13 PM
Joe Flach
Posts: 15
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Micheal, great poem. Only two things that interrupt the flow as I read it, for what it's worth. The word "dressed" kind of hangs there for me. I am not sure what it adds. When I read it without that word it seems to flow better. My other suggestion is at the end. Instead of "Wishing for things that aren't there" I might suggest, "Wishing for things not there" For me, this flows better. But I know that when I write poems I often have a different flow in my mind then that of some readers so these may not work for you - and, I understand. Great job. Keep up the good work. Joe
edited by jflach on 5/19/2010
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5/19/2010 10:24:14 PM
Spade Sincuna
Posts: 28
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Good poem. Just confused on some that seem contradictory to your approach:
lie on ground so bare, as if nothing were ever there
- okay, I understand this feeling of peace and solitude
Watching
mother nature's best
- this comes off for me because it seems that you've suddenly introduced an image that "was never there" Get it? For most of the poem, I've seen a closed picture of the narrator, his personal space and thoughts (solitude) but then he introduces nature's best - but does not continue from there. The problem is, the reader is disappointed. We are tend to imagine natures best as plain and simple. We lose trust towards the narrator's judgment, if its so best, then maybe you could describe it further, without being so blunt?
Wishing for things that aren't there
- This was off for me too. The start of the poem brought solitude and peace. And the narrator found it satisfying to continue the "dream" but is then struck by a lightning realization that too much "dreaming" may result to despair. "Wishing for things that aren't there" although such technique in irony is always interesting in a poem. This was sort of off because we never got to experience the height of the narrator's experience. I may not even be sure that was what you were trying to say. If without subtlety that you meant only the narrator to have wished things that weren't there. Then its a bit too empty and meaningless...
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5/20/2010 12:56:09 PM
Michael Benkhen
Posts: 40
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Spade...you should use your imagination more....things don't have to make sense.
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The land is littered with the graves of animals I never killed yet somehow mourn.
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5/20/2010 4:00:54 PM
Spade Sincuna
Posts: 28
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Are you revealing the element of your piece; admitting it doesn't make any sense?
What I'm saying is that its empty. Just like how I could be passing by the park and overhear a 8year old lying on the grass saying she's dreaming...
I hope you understood my critique very clearly. I've tried reading your poem in different angles to find unceartainty that doesn't work but there isn't. Its too plain and that's my opinion. If you're going to defend your poem, defend it in a poetry related manner, if all you can say is "use your imagination" and you're not a surrealist, then try again.
edited by auz on 5/20/2010
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5/21/2010 11:34:17 AM
Michael Benkhen
Posts: 40
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Your welcome to your opinion...but I write poems that sound beautiful to me...I don't necessarily even see what you are talking about...it makes sense to me...and other people I showed it to agreed.
If Pablo Picaso paints an abstract and people begin to complain that the nose isn't where it should be...I'm sure he would respond the same way as me.
I like my poem as is...period.
edited by Apocapus on 5/21/2010
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The land is littered with the graves of animals I never killed yet somehow mourn.
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5/21/2010 8:03:50 PM
Spade Sincuna
Posts: 28
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Then I don't understand why you placed it in the High Critique forum when you just wanted it to be appreciated...
This is enough... have fun liking your poems for what they are. 
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5/22/2010 9:45:25 AM
Michael Benkhen
Posts: 40
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Umm...I already got critique on it...I just don't want to butcher it...Sometimes it's how a poem reads and sounds not what's in it.
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The land is littered with the graves of animals I never killed yet somehow mourn.
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5/22/2010 12:37:29 PM
Spade Sincuna
Posts: 28
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Okay. Good luck with your song writing then. Now I'm really out. )
edited by auz on 5/22/2010
edited by auz on 5/22/2010
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