Poetry Forum

home recent topics recent posts search faq

Forum Home » High Critique » Figured I Would Try This Out...

For poets who want unrestricted constructive criticism. This is NOT a vanity workshop. If you do not want your poem seriously critiqued, do not post here. Constructive criticism only. PLEASE Only Post One Poem a Day!!!
9/18/2013 10:24:06 AM

Jeremy Aguire
Posts: 1
I've been on PoetrySoup for a couple of years and I have been adding poems off and on. I would like a fresh perspective on my poetry, since I have really nice friends. Here is one that I have written recently...

Time Machine

All this advancing time is the enemy.
Can I flip the switch on my atrocities?
Why can I not stop this when I feel that I can't breathe?
Is it forbidden to fold a space and go between?

Actions are wrecking balls, chained to memories.
When I snap a link, then I will break the screen,
so I won't watch the horror, of things not happening.
I can end this sadness, but I don't have the machine.

I want to bend light around this gravity.
Holes in space and time need so much energy.
If I could make a tangent right before I can speak,
I would tell myself all these inherent prophecies.

But will it change the course of my identity,
or have I been there and died before I'm seen?
Would I end existence as I selfishly succeed?
Maybe my future self is deciding not to leave.
permalink • reply with quote
9/19/2013 9:07:45 AM

Just That Archaic Poet
Posts: 89
You have some superb imagery in this piece and all your words are cleverly crafted. The only problems I have with this piece per se is the rhyming. You're a little choppy in some places, and I think it's because your average line syllable count is about 11-12. I would advise shortening the rhyme scheme to maybe 8 or 9 and reworking some of the lines for the sake of flow. Some people don't count syllables and are indifferent to different pentameters. I think iambic might work better for this piece, but you or others may disagree. I think you have some fabulous verses in this piece and with some ironing out of the wrinkles, I think you'll have a strong, compelling poem, indeed. I would just play around with the rhyme scheme a bit to tighten it up, but overall, very good work that I enjoyed
edited by JustLivingLies on 9/19/2013
permalink • reply with quote

Forum Home » High Critique » Figured I Would Try This Out...

Powered by AspNetForum © 2006-2010 Jitbit Software