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Forum Home » Be Gentle » BRAND new writer, a little nervous. Help!

Post here if you're new to receiving a critique and you want "gentle" feedback on your poem. Constructive criticism only. PLEASE Only Post One Poem a Day!!!
9/11/2013 1:55:59 AM

Er Bear
Posts: 1
Hands of Time

tiny, plump, and new, not yet forced to feel the weight of the world.
growing, soft, and dirty, curiosity has called them to do its work.
diligent, fresh, and shaking, endless opportunities are just within reach.
callused, rhythmic, and free, passion and soul guide their every move.
rushed, pulsing, and skilled, slaves owned by the power of desire and lust.
clasped, caressed, and jeweled, committed to another pair.
giant, splayed, and trained, talent drives and pride navigates.
delicate, primped, and glossy, forever awaiting another unearned offering.
clenched, red, and twitching, prepared to destroy like only a burning rage could.
swift, smooth, and colorful, an artist's most used tool.
flowing, swaying, and light, expressing more than words ever could.
rough, greasy, and capable, passions have soaked in deep.
comforting, quick, and busy, moving at a pace that only a mother could know.
meaty, large, and bruised, responsibility has called and they have answered.
deliberate, solid, and forceful, power runs through but only behind the flow of love.
filthy, scarred, and freezing, forgotten in their desperate need.
warm, gentle, and outstretched, habits formed with years of care.
firm, leathery, and restrained, limits learned and limits kept.
slow, wrinkled, and quiet, a moment at ease is their awaited reward.
still, cold, and pale, the life they once held is no more.
hands new, hands old, hands gone forever.
hands bound, hands free, hands caught in between.
hands past, present, and future.
on and on, the hands of time are never ceasing.
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9/13/2013 12:09:21 PM

Luann Pfost
Posts: 15
i like this
i get that you want the hands to be in an eternal cycle of life
but i think the ending breaks the timeline of the maturing aging hands theme
the last four lines starting with hands new to the one that starts on and on
i would either remove them
or i would end with something that evoked (sounded more like) the first line

like tiny, plump new the hands of time are never ceasing
edited by Dunesong on 9/13/2013
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9/14/2013 4:18:53 PM

Just That Archaic Poet
Posts: 89
Wow. That's a lot of verbs and adjectives, but you used them very skillfully in this piece. I wish it had rhymed; I think that would make it totally epic. It's very different and fresh, though. Nothing feels forced. I really don't think you need help; I liked it "as is". Maybe this is just your style, and if it is, it's quite unique, I think. All I can really say is "well done"
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9/23/2013 8:52:02 PM

Hsu Mr
Posts: 3
Too many adjectives,hard to follow through.but it's not bad for a start.keep writing!
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