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For poets who want unrestricted constructive criticism. This is NOT a vanity workshop. If you do not want your poem seriously critiqued, do not post here. Constructive criticism only. PLEASE Only Post One Poem a Day!!!
6/27/2010 6:06:00 PM

Joshua Michael Dolezal
Posts: 2
I really like the imagery in this poem. A lot. But, I feel like there are parts where the poem is forced, in small ways and as a whole.

Before I say this, let me clarify that I'm a firm believer in rhythm before rhyme. But really great poems incorporate both flawlessly. We'll assume that you're not going for world class, and I'm in no position to give world class reviews. Here we go:

As of the first line, I think you're going a little to far with words that aren't necessary. "sits on A tree with A meal unfurled." It adds syllables that are hard to make up in later lines, and just sounds awkward. Coupled with the next line, which contains few enough syllables that even without the two a's, the first line still overpowers it. And I feel like the the bird dropping the worm is slightly more important to the poem as a whole than the fact that it had it for one line. Still in that first stanza, I understand that the firm completes the ABAB rhyme scheme, and I honestly like the effect of the enjambment, but again it feels too forced - like you got to firm and new you wanted to say earth but immediately decided to place it on the next line because you'd have to think too hard about the rhyming afterwards.

The problems through the rest of the poem are similar. It's not that the thoughts, or writing, are bad, it just seems like you either a) had a very specific idea of how you wanted the poem to go and didn't want to change it in the moment or b) didn't spend any time forcing the lines to have equal footing through similar syllable count. That said, I think you could change only a few things in this poem and it would shape up smoothly. It really is very good.

Good luck!
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7/1/2010 8:04:55 AM

After "kingdom of secrecy" there should be a comma. Also, for smoother voice, instead of using your commas like this, "reside
and later. always. a perfect, red apple is found." why not try this "reside,
and later, always, a perfect red apple is found." and also, I think the second to last and the last line should be separated by the use of a comma. Hope thats been helpful. Catie
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