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For poets who want unrestricted constructive criticism. This is NOT a vanity workshop. If you do not want your poem seriously critiqued, do not post here. Constructive criticism only. PLEASE Only Post One Poem a Day!!!
6/18/2010 6:29:27 PM

Rosie La Puma
Posts: 2
0 0 0 Her fingers are as thin as lace
Her eyes a milky blue
A web of hair surrounds her face
Her aim is strong and true

She lifts the thread up expertly
And now a life begins
She has no map to look upon
The loom not marked nor pinned

She pulls new colors from the shelf
Pink for love, red for hate
The pattern twists around itself
A patterned, tangled fate

The blanket sets itself aright
The weaver adds new string
The colors briefly faced to white
As Life encounters a ring

Brighter patterns come to play
As baby colors light the loom
The weaver starts to add some gray
As the blanket gathers gloom

One short line is colored black
Another soul has fled
The finished life laid on the rack,
The Weaver cuts the thread
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6/18/2010 6:30:09 PM

Rosie La Puma
Posts: 2
Sorry for the weird 0's at the beginning- I can't figure out how to make them disappear. :P
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6/19/2010 1:14:42 PM

Aleh Barysau
Posts: 9
There are a lack of dots, commas etc. in the poem. It lacks for punctuation marks!

The rhythmical arrangement of the poem is clumsy. If a certain metrical foot is taken in the first stanza:

1. Her /fingers /are as /thin as /lace,
2. Her /eyes a /milky /blue,
3. A /web of /hair sur/rounds her /face,
4. Her /aim is /strong and /true.

It should be kept in the rest of stanzas but not in yours:

9. She /pulls new /colors /from the /shelf,
and I stumbled over it,
10. /Pink for /love, /red for/hate.
because the first syllable is stressed.

There are full rhymes in the poem except the second stanza, where rhymes, as expertly - upon and begins - pinned stand out from the rest: they are NOT full rhymes and it does NOT produce an additional melodic effect.

A poem should be recited in a singsong manner when you versify it.
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6/19/2010 7:13:11 PM

Daniel Corcoran
Posts: 28
maybe it doesnt need punctuation.
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6/20/2010 7:39:35 AM

Aleh Barysau
Posts: 9
Why not? Then, the commas in the lines A patterned, tangled fate and The finished life laid on the rack, The Weaver cuts the thread should be omitted.

I do not consider the marks not to be punctuated in this case. The presence of two commas is assumed for other marks to be presented in the poem. How would you feel yourself while driving a car if you did not see any sign on the road where it must be? 8)

I am for any innovation but I am against to use it everywhere. It is an old tradition of versification and one must stick with it.

Alfred Tennyson`s The Brook is a good example to be in the track of it.)

I come from haunts of coot and hern,
I make a sudden sally,
And sparkle out among the fern,
To bicker down a valley.

By thirty hills I hurry down,
Or slip between the ridges,
By twenty thorps, a little town,
And half a hundred bridges. …

And so on )
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