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Forum Home » High Critique » In the valley of times surrender

For poets who want unrestricted constructive criticism. This is NOT a vanity workshop. If you do not want your poem seriously critiqued, do not post here. Constructive criticism only. PLEASE Only Post One Poem a Day!!!
9/17/2012 12:34:49 PM

Alexander Conyers
Posts: 3
In the valley of times surrender

In the valley of times surrender,
And in the fields of tears that flow
Just remember one thing my darling,
What lies ahead you'll never know

By the trees of life that give,
And this lonely stream that wanders
Upon these hills of innocence,
I have seen a land of wonder

I looked for love in forests of rust,
And on plains of cherished fears
In the whirlwinds of self confidence,
This shallow empty weir

Along the banks of timeless worry,
I have felt the earth erode
Felt the gradient of years gone by,
On this barren worn out road

Amid desolate deserts I roamed unknown,
And in sun drenched cites high
Memories plough it feels no pity,
Has haunted my own mind

I have combed this savage wasteland,
Sheltered on freedoms shores
Looked at crisp bright skies with love,
Through granite tainted eyes.
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9/18/2012 9:14:04 PM

Daniela Angeja
Posts: 2
Hi Alexander,
You started amazingly well, but I think you should have finished on the fifth strophe. The last sentence of the poem lives it unfinished, so I think. Please correct me if I am wrong...
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