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Forum Home » High Critique » Between Dawn and Birth of a Song - Feedback please

For poets who want unrestricted constructive criticism. This is NOT a vanity workshop. If you do not want your poem seriously critiqued, do not post here. Constructive criticism only. PLEASE Only Post One Poem a Day!!!
7/31/2012 11:24:04 AM

Tenpa Dhargyal
Posts: 2

People are dancing on the rooftop,
I can hear the wineglasses
kiss cheek to cheek.
Music drips down
to the sidewalk with laughter,
wrapping itself around neon lights;
And It did not stop at my
outstretched hands.
It did not see me standing there.
The streets are cold
and the wind cuts across my face;
things have changed along the way.
Friends are gone and so has my love;
I guess it is me and the night now,
Me and the shadows beneath my dreams.

Between this life and the next,
Between forgiveness and regret,
We shall dance away the night
with the soft sand between our toes.

Some stagger on stillettoes
while others wait by the phone;
We hold our dreams in our fist
and try to make it last the night.
When it gets lonely in the dark
the lies sell higher on the street;
And in your heart a stone is set
for each promise you did not keep.
It doesn't mean a thing to me now.
It doesn't mean anything
without you.
I never wanted the whole world;
I just wanted you
and the earth to stop
spinning so much.

Between you and me,
There is the deep blue sea.
Between my heart and your lips
there are a thousand different reasons.

I look in the mirror
and the wrinkles are
deepening on my face.
I do not know this person
staring strangely back at me.
They are telling me on which
street corner I am allowed to stand;
that they have measured my pain
and proof read my confession.
Now the wet smell of the ocean
is closing in on me
and I do not think I can
stay back this time.
Will you walk with me to the ocean front?
Will you hold my hand beside the shore?

Between earth and heaven
All our sins will be forgiven,
Between dawn and birth of a song
We shall fall in love again.
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8/13/2012 12:30:26 PM

Saadya Saleem
Posts: 1
This is so beautifully written, deep emotions presented so subtly and such wonderful imagery.
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8/19/2012 3:15:12 PM

Tenpa Dhargyal
Posts: 2
Thank you kindly, Saleem. It is always good to get feedback on your work. I appreciate it very much.
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