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Forum Home » High Critique » OBLIVION: Observations of Another World

For poets who want unrestricted constructive criticism. This is NOT a vanity workshop. If you do not want your poem seriously critiqued, do not post here. Constructive criticism only. PLEASE Only Post One Poem a Day!!!
6/2/2010 3:15:32 AM

Charlotte Aitken
Posts: 10
An escape route out of life from the chaos which we started,

Broken and fragmented where human order is retarded.

Illusions and aspirations are all forgotten at her door,

Say goodbye to reality – you won’t be seeing it anymore.

Pondering in a limbo where the party never ends,

Indulging with total strangers who soon become your friends.

Vultures bearing smiles that only run skin deep,

Creatures of the night that have no need for sleep.

She’s feeble from exhaustion and ravaged by excess,

Her minute is like an hour; one day becomes the next.

Like a mobile fire hazard, except she doesn’t move

And what’s so wrong with that if you’ve got nothing left lose?

Her suspicious eyes are watchful beneath her glassy stare

A necessary reflex considering the people that are there.

A party full of sorrow with faces of broken dreams.

Trying to hold it together, but bursting at the seams.

Yet we all are drawn here and our reasons all the same;

Knowing that the consequences are only ours to blame.

The mask of normality have snapped their fragile strings

And we bask in the oblivion that escapism brings.
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6/2/2010 11:41:50 AM

Michael Benkhen
Posts: 40
Wonderful Poem,

A few lines don't flow well.....

But I can't think at the moment...so I don't know how to fix them.

The land is littered with the graves of animals I never killed yet somehow mourn.
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6/3/2010 7:31:11 AM

Spade Sincuna
Posts: 28
Show, don't tell. You need to improve your word choice.

Example (first stanza):

"escape route", instead of saying it, use an image that shows an escape. The end of a tunnel, an opening door, a light in a cave... etc.

"chaos", the word is too vague. As a reader, "chaos" which we started can mean so many things.

"broken and fragmented", very close synonyms, change either one of them or choose only one.

"retarded" - you can use a better word than that.

"forgotten at her door", the metaphor is weak, the image itself is weak.

Also, I agree with Michael, the flow is terrible. There's no sound at all. As if the lines themselves don't complement each other.
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6/3/2010 8:22:28 AM

Charlotte Aitken
Posts: 10
Thanks for those comments. Yes, I agree, it doesn't flow well. These lengthy sentences aren't quite right - though I think I just about get away with it in REFLECTIONS. I wrote these years ago, and have since changed my style considerably - I want to rework these old ones, and as ever, this is the best place to get advise on how to do so! Thanks!
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