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1/22/2019 2:00:05 AM
Topic:
Please critique. Excuse format plz

Jennifer Reynolds
Posts: 1
Fighting to live. Outwardly I may appear mildly angry. Inside an inferno rages. In my head the voices whisper, and I fight what they tell me, I blare music to drown it out. Alone, I fight, as always. I can't trust anyone enough to let them in. I play my part, and I try hard to hide. I staple my mask to my face and the blood trickles down, on the inside. Running into my eyes, filling my mouth, and I suffocate on my emotions. My heart slowly ices over. I wake each day, hoping my mask won't slip.Hoping I can control my panic, My despair, my numbness, My misery. I paint a smile on my face, on top of the mask, while the battle rages on in my mind. The voices, they whisper, they remind me, my guns on my desk,my pills are in my drawer, They nudge at me while driving, one sharp turn, and I'll be no more. I can stop the pain, that's destroying me, Inside. and still I fight.
edited by theonewhocries on 1/22/2019
1/21/2019 9:54:12 PM
Topic:
The undestined

Sue San
Posts: 1
They don't frolic in a flurry of snow,
or muck about in fantasies, daydreaming.
Neither hand reaches for another,
their two souls of desire, brimming.
For they are not rivers,
but mountains, tall, standing.
1/16/2019 3:51:44 PM
Topic:
KAT

Susan Jeavons
Posts: 2
Kat, I have no idea how to post my poems in here for critique. Can someone tell me please?
1/16/2019 3:49:17 PM
Topic:
The Belly of Being

Susan Jeavons
Posts: 2
Levi, this sounds like a plan, also a list poem. But I'm not sure. I like the flow and the positive attitude the whole poem exudes.
1/16/2019 2:09:45 PM
Topic:
The Belly of Being

levi johnson
Posts: 7
The Belly of Being


Let your dreams
infuse you
quake you
remake you

Change your world
in design
in purpose
in entirety


Reverse your history
of mistakes
of thought
of existing


Become larger than life
to wisdom
to compete
to survive


Carve your personality
in motions
in minds
in stone


Preserve your destiny
of identity
of being
of rebirth
1/10/2019 2:37:40 PM
Topic:
please critique.

desola Lois
Posts: 5
betrayal

A while ago, she was here
Promising to hold my hand till forever
Never letting go she said
Tears shed together
Jokes laughed at together
Hurts felt together
A while ago, she was that mountain that can never be moved
Firmly she stood by me

Until forever ended.
She was a mountain, now she is the wind
Passing never to return to its starting point
The hurts that we felt together was the very knife that was used to cut through my very heart
My trust and hope was her ship
The tears we shed together was the sea that she sailed on
Our laughter was the sound of her mockery roaring and echoing

Slowly and slowly as I descended in the very sea that we made
I asked myself when is forever?
Is there a forever?
1/9/2019 2:49:14 PM
Topic:
Tribute to Jean Genie

Kirk Tony
Posts: 2
she had nail gun eyes
and a cobble stone smile
i saw in her exhaling
in those dark railway sidings
in an underground station,she was
pursing her lipstick on the cigarette filters
sucked down to the ends
into red hot blisters
left me at the metro with
Seven of her Sisters

I saw her agitating like a train
pulling into its final destination
“This train terminates at London Kings Cross station”
she was a girl and she did girly things
and always on the look out
for that engagement ring
the boys, the Bacardi and those love sick tears
she was a roller coaster of emotional fears
she would kiss the boys and it would make her blush
hoping desperately for a teenage crush
but inwardly there was a ringing alarm
while the 1970s was twisting her arm
David Cassidy said “how can I be sure”
and can it be forever
‘till Donny said “love me for a reason”
and “let the reason be”
“Crazy horses” weeeeeyou! weeeeeyou!
“Crazy horses” weeeeeyou! Weeeeeyou!

but outwardly she had a Cathedral calm
a Top-shop style and slender arms

but in the early hours
before the chariot pulled up the dawn
she would stalk rooftops
and scream at the sun
she evolved and became
a poor little Greenie
hename was Jean Genie
Jean Genie, she’d let herself go,
1/8/2019 7:24:34 AM
Topic:
The test (Please critique)

Wendy Nipas
Posts: 36
Thank you Luisa. I'll take your words to heart.

ThatDramaKid wrote:
This is a very beautiful poem, but it would be perfect if just a little shorter. You have a beautiful message, but it gets a little muddled in all the words. Sometimes, less is more!

edited by wendyme on 1/8/2019
1/6/2019 4:38:01 PM
Topic:
Dreams by Bob Atkinson

Bob Atkinson
Posts: 236
Jack,

Please don't put form over function.

Bob
1/5/2019 11:51:43 AM
Topic:
Intertwine - critique please??

D.H. Alderose
Posts: 3
Hi all - please could you critique my poem
I'm unsure that it flows and I'm not sure if it ends too suddenly, thanks

Intertwine -
Your Body and mine,
I forget where you end and I begin,
Your skin on my skin,
You said you loved me you promised,
But you were never good at being honest,
Such a beautiful liar,
Set me on fire,

Don't you know I'm good for you?
I'd rip out my heart put it on my sleeve for you?
Let the ground swallow me whole,
For a glimpse into your soul,
LET ME SEE YOU
Let me love you,
All your broken parts,
Your lonely parts,
Your having me laugh until I cry parts,
Even the part that broke my heart.
But you have won,
I have come undone.
1/5/2019 11:47:55 AM
Topic:
Once Upon A Timer

D.H. Alderose
Posts: 3
Really beautiful. I loved it.
I might change 'apologizing' to 'apologize' just to make the line a bit shorter? But overall very good.
The 3rd line from the end seems like you've put a couple of lines together (just an editing error I'm sure).
Thank you for sharing!
1/5/2019 11:44:20 AM
Topic:
Muse. Honest thoughts please

D.H. Alderose
Posts: 3
Hi,
So I liked the early structure. However, think it could do with maybe proof reading? I was unsure what 'most of what I sees a flee' meant?
But loved the line from time to time sheer poetry.
I wonder if the line: 'Linguist challenges the all too' should be them all too?
The first 4 lines rhymed and the others didn't, some may like this style but personally I don't, either periodic rhyming, consistent, or none at all in my opinion.
Overall, very strong start but weaker ending.
1/5/2019 9:19:43 AM
Topic:
Compassion

ScottTimmons
Posts: 1
Narcissism is a self-perpetuating thing that dominates even its closest friends. These friends are, most notably but not limited to; pitty, supposed moral outrage, and fear. These five very close, yet self-indulgent friends in particular though, have one true enemy in common. This pervasive enemy's name is.... compassion. Although narcissism and its friends are toxic, compassion is most infectious. Compassion exists within our very DNA. Compassion literally means "to suffer together". This beautiful infection is the only cure for the dis-ease that is narcissism. Narcissism will deplete you entirely, and then simply move on to feed off of another. Give the seed of compassion just a little bit of water, and resilience grows, and we are enlivened. Our unguarded hearts emboldened. By being our true selves, we automatically suffer together. We are a compassionate species.

Dear narcissist, may you always keep this enemy close.

May you have the capacity to seek to see clearly, into the nature of suffering. For a narcissist to 'use their powers for good' so to speak, without an attachment to outcome, would be to water the seed of compassion within them. My dearest narcissist, may we suffer together for all eternity. You beautiful weed...

Sincerely yours,

Compassion

P.S Suffer... I'm still growing.
1/4/2019 12:11:28 PM
Topic:
Once Upon A Timer

Luisa Herrmann
Posts: 2
If we had fifty seconds to live
what would you tell me?

Would you use me as a vessel of confessions
or would you tell me things you once wished only I knew
Would you cry to your aunt,
apologizing for not kissing her last Thanksgiving?
Or would you apologize to me,
for crushing my heart a million years ago?

Would you scream and beg for more time
Or would you hold my hand
convince me that you are happy to die by my side?
Would you kiss me for lust in your final moments
or would you give me time to empty my soul

Would you lie
and say you always have loved me?

I guess I'll never knowBecause I have much more timethan fifty seconds.
I have the rest of my life
to fight the memory of you.
1/4/2019 12:08:56 PM
Topic:
The test (Please critique)

Luisa Herrmann
Posts: 2
This is a very beautiful poem, but it would be perfect if just a little shorter. You have a beautiful message, but it gets a little muddled in all the words. Sometimes, less is more!
1/4/2019 6:04:11 AM
Topic:
Flash poetry - what is it?

Dave C.
Posts: 1
I've seen this term used in poetry competitions and elsewhere, but I obviously can't enter any until I know exactly what it is that's being asked for - a definition of 'flash poetry' with maybe some examples would be very much appreciated!
1/3/2019 1:58:10 PM
Topic:
PSYCHOLOGY of POETRY

Rene Carter
Posts: 1
I love the poem but the line "instincts spark creativity" doesn't seem to flow for me. Maybe try "instinct sparks creativity"? Really good poem though!
1/2/2019 4:43:51 PM
Topic:
poem categories

sand blown
Posts: 5
how does one assign poem categories, that are not listed in the categories box
on the post-a-poem page, to a new poem?
1/2/2019 12:11:12 PM
Topic:
Purpose

Padmini CE
Posts: 1
Along a heavily trodden way she sat where many people came and went.
Some of whom she loved and thus began to walk their side.
Her heart whiter than white, now stomped upon by their indifference bore not retribution but confusion.
With a steely resolve she marched, only to find more unanswerable questions.

She panicked most of the way, not revealing her questions in mind.
Then came along more people to whom she gave her second chance.
Some people black and some people white, each of them left her baffled than those before. "What is the objective of all this", she thought.

Resuming her walk along this path, more was the animosity she saw.
Only this time none gained her reaction.
For she has become a moving husk, filled not with questions no more but void.
Somewhere along this path she recalled, the purpose was to just observe.

(I would like fellow members to provide suggestions based on your perspective to better this poem, thanks in advance.)
1/2/2019 5:55:48 AM
Topic:
Help, Help, Help

Uhellig Svart
Posts: 2
Aw man, this was three years ago :/
I hope you found something though

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