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Forum Home » High Critique » Silver Tongue

For poets who want unrestricted constructive criticism. This is NOT a vanity workshop. If you do not want your poem seriously critiqued, do not post here. Constructive criticism only. PLEASE Only Post One Poem a Day!!!
7/6/2013 6:12:14 AM

Alexander Schwartz
Posts: 11
His fingers left blood on the strings

but, come time to walk away he hadn’t really learned anything.

Course and dried brushes sit atop the rubbish,

His mind held a perfection too delicate for his clumsy hands to create.

He opened his mouth to sing like a jay but, instead of notes it was rust that fell out. Part of the wear and tear of early adulthood.

But then, this same boy picked up a pen and found some paper. The pen in his hand felt as natural his own bones and he began to write.

He wrote every tear

He could scribe every star

He built towers from mountains with every line

High enough that the angels just might hear them.

He made pages for chapters of his life that could make those seraphim weep sapphire tears.

He could write the wind blowing across the nape of your neck in Autumn

And make you feel the chill on your skin.

He could articulate the sad beauty of a lover’s quarrel that ends in tears

If they cry, it makes it all more real.

He documents the history of a war inside himself that will never end.

The loss and the gain,

But not those of monetary nature.

When life begins to scream around him

All he must do to silence it is to put it in a stanza.

The boy’s tongue can pave the way for good intentions, and we all know those can fall South. He finds strength. And with this strength a power.

Finally the boy knew his gift. But how is he meant to use it and who will truly listen to the personal strands of his soul he ties together with punctuation?

And now that he has tasted the pleasure of his power, will that be enough?
edited by Words_Are_Weapons on 7/9/2013

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7/7/2013 6:31:25 AM

Varsha Tomar
Posts: 1
This is beautiful, written with heart! I especially like the line -
"He documents the history of a war inside himself that will never end"
and also the one where he's making towers from mountains with his pen...
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7/9/2013 3:03:24 PM

Alexander Schwartz
Posts: 11
Thank you SO much for the kind feedback. I really do put my heart and soul into all of my work and I appreciate that you could see that. Also I have been finding it difficult to get comments or critiques. Thanks again and warmest wishes.

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7/9/2013 10:28:43 PM

Gabe Shelly
Posts: 95
Art is subjective. One cannot say what is good or bad, only what they like or dislike. Your story is good and appealing, but I don't like the way it's punctuated with all the spaces between lines and stanzas. I like how you wrote some of your verses as '...instead of notes it was rust that fell out' and such, but I wished you had elaborated more about how his music fell "short". You spent more energy telling how he "rose from the ashes like the phoenix" with his writing than you did the other. People like to see or read how their protagonists fall-- it makes the characters more appealling to them... but that is what I think. Keep Writing.
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7/10/2013 7:44:19 PM

Alexander Schwartz
Posts: 11
Thank you for the feedback. I understand and will consider that for future works. As far the story of the downfall goes, I wrote the poem as a way to feel optimistic and therefore, I didn't want to revisit the negative back story. Thanks again for the perspective

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