The Last Man Standing

Clarence Goddard, Harvey Bell, Virgil Barnes and I met for coffee every day for close to forty years. I was a school janitor...Virgil was a farmer...Harvey ran the lumber yard, and... Clarence managed Sears. We always met at 6 a. m. to give ourselves a chance to cover all the latest news before the place got packed. Weren’t no more than three or four times that someone missed a meeting! Hard to believe, I realize, but...trust me...that’s a fact! Half o’ what we’d talk about revolved around the pinheads screwin’ things up at City Hall...most of them were dorks! The gals were all preoccupied with whom they’d heard was cheatin’, an’ every weekend most the guys were busy - pullin’ corks! We’d bounce around hypotheses on all the better ways that we - as staunch conservatives, could lessen their mistakes... Citin’ the mayors and council members - most were over sixty, as not - at least in our opinions, havin’ what it takes To run a growing country town. They’d do the dumbest things, and always by unanimous vote! Man...those guys were bad! Clarence used to whine like hell, and once - when we encouraged him - told him if he’d run we’d give him every dime we had To help him get elected, he done threw a hissy fit, claiming...“If I got elected, there’d be ‘favors’ to repay... And knowin’ the way you boogers think, all I’d ever hear is, ‘It’s time to show your gratitude’, so...ain’t no bleepin’ way!” We passed the hat in ‘91 and voted Marlene Stecklinburg 4 to zero -- unanimously -- the meanest mayor alive For writin’ a bill for parking meters, figurin’ we wouldn’t mind havin’ to pay to park our cars downtown from 9 to 5! Virgie ’d cuss her up and down for how she’d never listen whenever he’d complain about the county’s gravel roads. He’d bug that woman constantly to have the highway boys - at the town’s expense, of course - take a couple loads And fill the countless potholes either side his tiny farm, but...knowin’ he lived on a dead end road, she’d never once complied. We’d actually throw a 4-man-party each and every time a council member either moved away...retired...or died! Unlike Virg an’ Clarence - who were quick to lose their temper - Harv would show his hate-displays in somewhat milder ways. He’d always made it clear that he despised the city council, but when he’d lose his temper it would happen - phase by phase. Getting up that early and then guzzling tons o’ coffee, has, at times, a tendency to twang a persons’ brain, And though he rarely lost control, if someone mentioned Stecklinburg, due to caffeine overdoses, Harv would go insane! A three-cup average - once a day - multiplied by four - every day for forty years is what our foursome drank, And we had sweet ol’ Thelma Lou - who’d kept our coffees hot, and let us sit there more than twenty thousand hours to thank For lettin’ us have our daily chats. Lettin’ us - ‘chew the fat’. And except for donuts now and then, she never took a dime! Coffee, ya’ see, at Thelma Lou’s was free - with meals or not - but had we had to pay a buck-a-cup for all that time, And left a dollar tip to boot - according to my math - between our foursome we’d have dropped a hundred ninety grand! Thankfully the coffee - and discussions cost us nothing ‘cause never did we find a way to make them understand That Pinkerton, without a doubt, would be a nicer town if guys like us had been in charge. They really screwed things up! But here I sit, at Thelma Lou’s, with Clarence, Harv, and Virgie chewin’ the fat in heaven, as some youngster fills my cup, Trying to cope with how it feels to be the - ‘last man standing’. I miss those ornery ne’er-do-wells so much it makes me cry, An’ bein’ as all my fam’ly’s gone...and all my lifelong pals...I’m fraught with non-stop loneliness...and I can’t wait to die.