Ten Alternative Facts and Observations from White House Guess Secretary Spawn Meister
#10 "The Americans with Disabilities Act of 1990 was passed, at a tremendous cost to the able-bodied, because of the lazy, one-legged, trash that "whined" about having to hop, a few hundred extra yards, across icy, snow covered, parking lots."
#9 "Spending more money on Pre-K education is simply not necessary. Look, these kids, quite frankly, aren't very smart. They lack social skills and are highly uncoordinated. What could possibly be gained by trying to teach the unskillable."
#8 "Franklin Roosevelt's wheelchair, dubbed "Wheelchair One," was bulletproof, well-armed, and weighed eight tons."
#7 "The oil and gas industry has assured President Dump that, in the "highly" unlikely case of an environmental disaster, they are prepared to send, at a moment's notice, a rapid response team of lawyers to assess their potential liability."
#6 "Offering price subsidies to struggling dairy farmers would only encourage women to sell unpasteurized breast milk."
#5 "Alexander Hamilton based his entire life on Lin-Manuel Miranda's Broadway sensation "Hamilton," which would not be written for another 200 years."
#4 "President Dump's meticulously groomed hairstyle was designed to hide the fact that his skull actually pulsates from constant thought, a sight that young children often find disturbing."
#3 "America's "Founding Fathers" did not earn that distinction from declaring their independence from England in 1776. It came a year later when they opened the nation's first sperm bank in Ben Franklin's Philadelphia garage."
#2 "The Cuban Missile Crisis was a complete hoax! Those so-called "missiles" were, in fact, giant Cuban cigars bound for Russia."
#1 "The elimination of mandatory school prayer has been a complete rejection of our nation's core values, as well as being a slap in the face to every decent, church-going, Christian out there. It's just a &@$damn shame!"
(Written: 3/13/17 and finally posted on 3/17/17)
Copyright © Richard Olson | Year Posted 2017