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Mom and Dad

My parents don''t understand, “Anxiety is a normal part of life, everyone has anxiety Audrey, talk about it with Jenn.” The thing is I want to talk about it but when I try the words don’t come out right. And I see my therapist taking notes, “High levels of anxiety.” This isn’t anxiety. This is punishment. This is god seeking revenge on me because of what goes on inside my head. This is the universe smothering the thoughts around my brain. I can’t pay attention in class because I replay moments in my head. I obsess over things I don’t like. I drill myself over what I do wrong. I want to be free. I want to go a day without feeling the oxygen choked out of my lungs by the invisible forces swelling in my stomach. I want to go a day without intrusive thoughts dictating how many steps I have to fit in a certain amount of time. I want to escape myself. But I can’t. So I ignore it. I pretend ripping the skin off my body is normal, and uncontrollably obsessing over my relationship just means I don’t like Him anymore. And then it all builds up and I lose my freakin mind one day and my parents wonder why I can’t stop crying. I keep trying to tell them I am not okay. I keep trying to tell them I am suffering in self inflicted torture, But they understand what they want to. What I’m feeling can’t be normal. What I’m feeling isn’t just nerves. What I’m feeling is an all consuming struggle within myself. What I’m feeling is someone grabbing my gut and squeezing the blood out of it for fun. What I’m feeling is more than just being nervous. Because what I’m feeling is so intense that sometimes it leaves me feeling nothing at all. my anxiety steals and steals and steals. What my parents don’t understand is that soon I won’t have anything left to be stolen at all.

Copyright © | Year Posted 2019

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