I Dodged a Bullet

Half a dozen girls, at least, were on my list of ‘maybes’, as I was on the prowl to find a date for junior prom, When I was coaxed to think about a girl who lived nearby as one that - “might be worth consideration” by -- my mom! “Candy’s got a crush on you,” she tried to turn my head, “and even though she’s awfully thin, I’d say she’s quite a catch.” Well…on top of being ‘awfully thin’...she had this - squeaky voice...plus forty thousand freckles, which, to me - by any stretch - Left her in the boonies as a choice for taking out. I was quite the stud back then and rarely got turned down, So, when my mother prompted, “Don’t forget that every girl looks a whole lot nicer in a fancy evening gown,” I came back with, “Ya’...but Mom...I’m sure that Sharon Decker...and prob’ly Jill Lorenz...are both expecting me to call, And I don’t feel like bein’ the guy who winds up lookin’ desperate takin’ a bony, orange-haired ‘Cinderella’ to a ball!” “Auburn hair and emerald eyes are quite the combination, and...take away some freckles, son...and - add a little weight - And one day you’ll be sorry that you poo-pooed my advice to take a chance and ask that little sweetheart for your date.” “That’s a risk I’ll have to take...I’m sorry, Mom,” I said, “ain’t no way a chick like her can ever change enough.” That was how it ended…with me politely telling her, despite her good intention…I was going to call her bluff. That was back in sixty-eight. Ten long years have passed, and I’d been wandering ‘round the ballroom, checkin’ in with friends, When Sharon Decker...the girl I wound up takin’ to the prom...sauntered up - walkin’ side by side with Jill Lorenz, And started, “How ya’ doin’, Mark? Bet ya’ don’t remember me. Sharon. Sharon Decker...I taught you how to dance.” “Of course I do,” I verified, “you also laughed your butt off when I walked up to get you in a pinstriped coat and pants! “I couldn’t afford to rent a tux, and had to borrow wingtips from father’s younger brother - but the fancy tufted shirt - Which I was quite impressed with, got the biggest laugh of all, and...not the sort to hold a grudge, the fact is...I was hurt! “But I still had a real nice time, and, actually - dodged a bullet. See...mother’d tried to make me ask a girl from down the street That she believed - despite her many ‘issues’ - I would like...and, though I strongly disagreed, insisted I should meet. “That girl, I swear, had easily more than forty thousand freckles...and couldn’t have - at the very most - weighed more than ninety pounds! And Mother’s auburn - I call orange - and when she’d stop to talk...between her words she always made these squeaky little sounds! “Bein’ our first reunion, I’ve been wonderin’ if she’ll show. I don’t suppose you knew her...her name was Candy Clark.” “I knew her well,” Sharon chirped, “but sometimes people change. And when you called to ask me to the prom that morning, Mark... “I came close to saying no. You weren’t so “hot” yourself. And despite the way that Candy looked and talked at seventeen... I guess you must have missed the news that clearly proves my point...at this year’s ‘Miss America Contest’…Candy was the queen!” “Ain’t no way a woman with a polka-dotted face and legs and arms like water-pipes could ever look that good! Has to be some other Candy,” I continued whining...but when I spun around to leave - close to where I stood - A stunning gal who could have passed for - “World’s Most Awesome Babe” - was busy signing autographs for classmates left and right, And, as I drooled...wishing I had taken Mom’s advice, and chosen her instead to ask to Junior Prom that night, I was shocked to see her hair was now what I call auburn...and all her countless freckles had completely disappeared, Leaving her complexion crystal clear and silky smooth...and as for how her figure’d changed, well...that was crazy weird! Her body’d filled in beautifully...her bosom was superb...and all four limbs had thickened...so it looked as though my choice To opt instead for Sharon was a really big mistake...until my ears were mangled by an old familiar voice! About to introduce myself, hoping she’d forgotten me, and how - to spite my mother - the icy way I’d treated her - Nervously, I got in line to say, “Congratulations”. But, when I overheard her speak - to someone who’d just greeted her - I freaked out...bolting off without her even seeing me. I’m tellin’ you...her picture in the yearbook tells the truth, Demonstrating clearly there are some who - after puberty - often lose the flaws that they were challenged with in youth, And change in - sometimes - drastic ways...which was the case with Candy. Candy’d changed in every way but one - and where she had - Was truly unbelievable...but...winning Miss America...knowing, when we graduated, Candy’d looked that bad, Told me...after learning that her horribly squeaky voice, through the years - at least to me - had only gotten worse... That singing well was not a skill the contest had required...but...if it had...I guarantee… the world would know her curse! Obviously my first impression had me thinking, “Wow...what a big mistake I’d made to not take Mom’s advice,” But...once I heard that wretched voice...I knew I’d dodged a bullet...and literally saved my life when I’d refused to - roll the dice!