Here's Why My CV Needs Work
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Note: there are a few references which may prove unfamiliar to non-Australasian readers.
NAME: Phil Latio. LLB Law; PhD Medicine; FSC-Federation Starfleet Commander
POSITION SOUGHT: Head job.
SEX: Well, I was born a male if that helps.
CONTACT DETAILS: Probably best I contact you. I'm currently residing at an undisclosed location awaiting the findings of a Securities & Exchange Commision investigation.
NATIONALITY: I am a citizen of this world and beyond.
PLACE OF BIRTH: Dumbfcukistan.
NATIVE LANGUAGE: Don't know any - is that gonna be a problem?
MARITAL STATUS: Fantastic! Couldn't be better. Well, pretty good...to be honest it needs attention. Okay it sucks...alright, I can't breathe - it's a total clusterfcuk! I go to bed at night hoping my spleen will rupture and I'll bleed out before I wake.
EDUCATION: Hmm...I remember an abacus and my lunchbox.
FURTHER TRAINING: Yeah, went back to school and progressed to a Battlestar Galactica cooler (for my beer) and blitzed it, completing Grade 10 graduating in the top 98% of my class.
RECENT WORK HISTORY: Too much to mention here.
LAST EMPLOYER: We had a sudden parting of the ways. At an informal business meeting it is alleged that I acted inappropriately. In my defence I do suffer from impaired hearing. What he actually said was to close the door and "hold my calls!".
PREFERRED HOURS: Lunch hour! Dinner hour! Happy hour!
SALARY: I'm willing to start on a retainer equivalent to the hidden annual personal contributions to Bill & Hillary from the Clinton Foundation in my first year plus bribes (sorry, benefits). After that we can negotiate stock options, a Happy Hookers Gold Card membership and a generous bonus remuneration package commensurate with my flair and expertise.
MOST ADMIRED PERSON: I'm conflicted here. I'm torn between Hugh Hefner and Warnie. Actually, no I'm not - it's a no-brainer. Hef may be old and his fun parts on life support but c'mon...he's Hef!
AMBITION: To get laid (like a lot without having to beg). To be able to share a mercy flirt with the office tragic and not get some bogus charge of indecent assault thrown at you when I get mothered at the Christmas work party. To hang with Hef in the Playboy mansion...duh! To make enough money to wipe the smug superior smiles off the likes of Rupert Murdoch and James Packer and reduce them to bit players on my grand stage. Oh, and to dedicate myself in an orphanage doing God's work - not in Bangladesh or Africa, but like Bondi or Surfers!
ATTRIBUTES: I have more attributes than virgins at a Star Trek convention. I never do drugs at work. Principles and loyalty mean everything to me, but not at the expense of career advancement and personal wealth creation. Also, I'm always kind to widows and prostitutes!
I AM CURRENTLY READING: A summons to appear before a Disciplinary Review Board. Don't know what that's about.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: A magistrate once told me, after avoiding a lengthy period of incarceration, that not since OJ had he seen a more glaring miscarriage of justice. He said he had seen more sympathetic defendants at Nuremberg and that I had more form than Phar Lap and should count my lucky stars. Apparently some iron clad witness failed to show. I was stitched up anyway!
DISLIKES: Eyewitnesses and whistleblowers!
LIKES: My hobbies include: drinking beer! Gambling (but not with my own money); computer hacking and identity fraud; drinking beer! Amputee p0rn (if it's done tastefully); peeking through a high powered telescope (I'm talking Hubble here) adjacent to beaches, water parks, gyms, tanning salons, high rise apartment buildings; drinking beer! I also have a social conscience and I am an enthusiastic donor of sperm and blood, although I am urgently advised I should seek treatment for both my conditions before resuming deposits. Also I am a committed vagetarian (I only eat fish).
POLITICAL PERSUASION: I am a staunch Marxist - Groucho that is! Screw the workers...greed is good!
COMPULSIVE BEHAVIOURS OR ADDICTIONS: Not when I'm sober or clean.
FAVOURITE SERIAL KILLER: Hard to say. Some used meat cleavers, some piano wire, some tyre irons, some preferred a Black & Decker and a woodchipper, some used a vat of hydrochloric acid and a turkey baster. To each his own - I like 'em all.
MEDICAL CONDITIONS: Just a little Mad Cow - nothing to be concerned about. Also a few misdiagnosed issues with my neurotransmitters. For this I attend a court ordered short weekly burst of electroconvulsive therapy for my dribbling and mood swings. It seems to be working - I haven't had a psychotic episode in almost a week.
FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS:
WHAT DO YOU LOOK FOR IN A JOB?
Unbridled power; no accountability; unaudited expense accounts; extravagant perks; insider trading opportunities; access to foreign bank accounts in non-extradition jurisdictions.
HAVE YOU EVER COMMITTED A SEX CRIME?
Only against myself!
HAVE YOU BEEN CONVICTED OF A CRIME?
HAVE YOU LIED IN A JOB INTERVIEW?
Okay, you got me. I told an interviewer once the long awaited Baz Luhrmann epic "Australia" was a triumph; a tour de force; a masterful cinematic experience void of all cliche and formula and cultural cringe! That it resisted the urge for banal storytelling, fatuous caricatures and stereotypical farce. Well Baz, it was an epic...an epic fail!
HOW WOULD YOU DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
Which one? They're all quite manageable.
WHAT IS YOUR GREATEST ASSEST?
Probably my rare 1979 "Bogans at Bathurst Supporters Tour" stubbie holder signed by Peter Brock at Mt Panorama. I've never been so sh1tfaced!
WHERE DO YOU SEE YOURSELF IN 5 YEARS?
In the 3rd year of my Caribbean vacation.
WHAT IS YOUR GREATEST FEAR?
A busted condom at a family reunion. Just kiddin', I don't use 'em!
ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?
I see dead people.
WHAT IS YOUR GREATEST FAILING?
I care too much.
GENERAL COMMENTS: Not since Jim Jones or David Koresh has there been a more charismatic leader with a unique vision for all mankind.
SIGN HERE: Aquarius
Copyright © Keith Trestrail | Year Posted 2018
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