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Throwback Heaven

It’s just one of those towns where they all look the same, They all share the same beds, they all share the same name, Yes, the inbreeding here puts the royals to shame... But the birth defects sure help the benefit claims. The townspeople practically fester with charm, In this place where six fingers cause little alarm - And the boys clutch the girls with their knuckle-drag arms, Crying “Pleasure me, love, with your soft hairy palms!” Edge of town, there’s a club, in a warehouse carbuncle, Where everyone risks getting ground by their uncle, The podium girls look like Zippy and Bungle*, And DNA drips from the roof like a jungle. The women aren’t nervous; whoever they score, You can bet that their Grandma has been there before - She says “Go for it, not had such fun since the war, Or was that with your father? It’s hard to be sure.” There’s a wedding today that’s too cute to be true, Where the couple are cousins, and step-siblings too, And the registrar’s drunk, so she won’t have a clue, While they twitch and they stammer their way through “I do”. They all flock to the slap-up reception at Greggs*, With their squints and their limps and their short, stumpy legs, There is dancing and drinking, and fertilised eggs, And the gene pool shrinks further - it weeps and it begs, And it cries for fresh meat, and it whimpers with pain, But the inbreds keep breeding, and breeding again, They’re selecting for hunchbacks and minuscule brains... Mr Darwin would rattle his bones in disdain! So a new baby’s born - it’s a girl! She’s complete With a cute hairy chin and some gorgeous webbed feet, And the midwife looks down and thinks “One day my sweet, You will make a nice wife for my old uncle Pete.” Oh yes. Here, outsiders are greeted with fury, While scumbags roam free, cos they’ve knobbled the jury, It’s like one big freak show (proceeds to the brewery), So it’s clear evolution won’t win in THIS story... For here, H o m o** Crapiens rises in glory. *Cultural translations for the non-British Zippy and Bungle - man-sized furry characters - a bear and a zip-mouthed weirdo - from 80s TV show “Rainbow”. Greggs - Nasty (but oddly tempting) commercial bakery shop chain - as in “I’m going for a dirty Greggs!” **spaced to fox the over-eager Soup censor, which hilariously asterisked “h o m o” (gasp) but not “crapiens!” For Amuse Me With Your Rhyme Contest Sponsored by Nick Trim 25 June 2018

Copyright © | Year Posted 2018




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Date: 12/4/2018 7:47:00 AM
I cant judge the contest because it's on my old account, but nothing could beat this, congratulations on writing the funniest poem of all time
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Date: 6/28/2018 1:08:00 AM
G'day Nina … Crikey! You could end up being your own grandma or grandpa - your imagination is fantastic, or is this a true story - thanks Nina - Lindsay
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Date: 6/25/2018 9:50:00 PM
Nina, just going to say it.. you tell amazing stories!
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Nina Parmenter
Date: 6/26/2018 12:29:00 AM
Thank you very much Lyric Man and well done for getting to the end!
Date: 6/25/2018 9:19:00 PM
I think I know where this is lol. A great rhyme full of humour Nina, Good luck. Tom.
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Nina Parmenter
Date: 6/26/2018 12:27:00 AM
Haha - these towns make our great nation what it is today! Thank you Tom!