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The Sin of Silence

The Sin of Silence They have taken me, from steady apparitions of time, to lay in union with lesser breaths, still none to be called divine. I can see how the World vanishes, as flashes of heaven permeate smoke. Is there anything free anymore, under this dark and heavy cloak? And suddenly, release, that has sailed through the wind, comes to anchor silence into me, as eyes resign, for I have sinned. ~ Nino Kadic

Copyright © | Year Posted 2015




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Date: 6/10/2015 6:35:00 PM
Hello Nino, the workshop is locked but not officially closed. I am giving one more week to the poets who have not revised their poems in some way to do so and the additional time will allow poets who have not contributed suggestions to the other workshop poems to provide that feedback. You can find links via the contest page and my blog. Please read my blog when you can. Thank you.
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Date: 6/9/2015 11:53:00 PM
Nino, :) congrats on your workshop poem
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Date: 5/13/2015 11:41:00 AM
Who has these 'lesser breaths' you lay in union with? Can you simplify into prose just what you want to tell us. I not suggesting any changes, just tell me simply in a sentence or a paragrapgh what point you are trying to get across, here in a comment.
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Nino Kadic
Date: 5/16/2015 4:13:00 AM
Cyndi - Very interesting to read how people perceive this poem differently. It's like 10 stories in one poem. That's what I wanted to accomplish :)
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Cyndi MacMillan
Date: 5/15/2015 9:13:00 PM
What you said in your comment is not truly seen in your poem. Which is fine. The reader will bring themselves into your poem, this way. I saw no mention of soldier. Frankly, I thought that this poem was about a man having sex with a prostitute and was feeling remorse for his choices... lesser breaths, anything free, release, comes, eyes closed and sin. Didn't read violence in this at all.
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Nino Kadic
Date: 5/13/2015 12:44:00 PM
Dear Debbie, thank you for your comment! This is the story of a soldier who doesn't belong, who doesn't want to participate, yet he lays (in rows) in union with those willing to kill (lesser breaths). The first stanza is about the recruitment, the second is about the destruction caused by way, with religious overtones (flashes of heaven = death is coming). The third is death itself. The release, that sails through wind, is a bullet. And he has sinned, since he has indeed participated. The bullet anchors silence (death) into him. Does this clarify? :)
Date: 5/12/2015 6:20:00 AM
A lot of the classical poets focused on meter and since this is free verse, it requires no meter. I bring to the table, the round table, what is being published today, this year, this WEEK. Today's poetry uses dull/filler words for specific purposes, sometimes for necessary clarity, to stop a poem from sounding artificially "clipped"/ staccato or even for the purpose of repetition, to sooth the reader. Every poet who joins the workshop brings his/her own experiences and focus to the group.
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Nino Kadic
Date: 5/12/2015 4:24:00 PM
Dear Cyndi, I applied to share my poems and to join contests. This workshop looked like a good idea, so I wanted to receive some feedback. Some feedback I find to be very helpful and some doesn't sit well with the intention I had in mind when writing this poem. Still, I do appreciate every comment and I'm sure, if you decide to check out my future poems, that your comments will be most beneficial. So thank you for the effort, don't think that I will ignore any comment received here :)
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Cyndi MacMillan
Date: 5/12/2015 6:26:00 AM
PS-- interesting that you just got onto Soup and decided to enter a workshop? Hmmmm..... okay... what motivated you to sign up? Most would want to just wander the halls for a bit...
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Cyndi MacMillan
Date: 5/12/2015 6:23:00 AM
Not everyone wants to be published, but the advice I bring is the same advice/guidelines given by editors. When I began to take the advice, I started to receive encouragement from editors. I am now a published poet and I'm working towards further publication.
Date: 5/12/2015 6:04:00 AM
Nino, what is it about your poem that you do not like, feels needs improvement? I ask so that other participants of the workshop can focus on that area. Do you feel it has clichés, for example? Perhaps you are not happy with one line? One word? You believe it needs more? You think it needs less?
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Cyndi MacMillan
Date: 5/12/2015 10:31:00 AM
I see you are truly seeking a review for this poem and have used deviant art and other poetry sites to share this poem. I think you will like Poetrysoup. It has good resources and the interface is excellent. We are a diverse international crowd. Now, if you are looking for a review, that is different than revising in a workshop. Some would be happy to review your work, analyze it...
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Cyndi MacMillan
Date: 5/12/2015 8:52:00 AM
I've given all the advice I can. I leave others to see what they see. It's best to leave just a few suggestions. I need to write and send out submissions this week. With 23 other workshop poets (maybe? Some could be doubling up, using ghost accounts) Hopefully, other poets can help you better. Nice meeting you. Cyndi
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Cyndi MacMillan
Date: 5/12/2015 8:47:00 AM
Nothing wrong with some ambiguity in a poem. Your poem is crystal clear. Poetry is -- to me and to many-- about taking the everyday, the common, and showing it to the reader in a fresh way. There are a million ways to show repentance without the classic phrase used in confession. But its YOUR poem. :)
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Nino Kadic
Date: 5/12/2015 6:16:00 AM
The form seems irregular to me, but I find it easy to read. I didn't think it had cliches, but the "sinned" is one. Still, having 1 cliche is not bad and I don't know how to retain the idea of repentance without that classic phrase used in confessions. Something else would ruin the symbolism of the last line. My other concern is - how easy it is to understand? What do people think it means? Or is it too ambiguous?
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Nino Kadic
Date: 5/12/2015 6:15:00 AM
The form seems a bit irregular to me, although I find it easy to read. I didn't think it had any cliches, but the "sinned" part is one. Still, having one cliche is not bad and I don't know how to retain the idea of repentance and religious guilt without that classic phrase, used in confessions. Really, everything else would ruin the symbolism of the last line. My other concern is - how easy it is to understand? What do people think it means? Or is it too ambiguous?
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Cyndi MacMillan
Date: 5/12/2015 6:10:00 AM
Right now, it does have quite a bit of cliché connotation to it. The "for I have sinned" has been read a thousand times. I'm suggesting that you find YOUR way to make that original, fresh. If something has been read again and again and again, then why write it one more time? See what you have in you... mull on it. Let it sit a day. See what bubbles up... you may surprise yourself.
Date: 5/11/2015 8:28:00 PM
(continued) Take for example the last stanza, try this on, see what it feels like, "Suddenly, release/ sails through the winds,/ anchors me into a heavy silence/ as eyes close, resigned to sin, again." This style of short and punchy reminds me of Dorothy Parker. Now, the idea is to let the advice ruminate around in you, maybe give you different ideas, spark something. I'm glad you joined the workshop. Stop by the blog, when you can, there are links there to other participants. Cheers!
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Nino Kadic
Date: 5/12/2015 2:22:00 AM
Dear Cyndi, thank you for your comment! You are right, this is not free-verse, I just didn't know what to call it. As for "they" - the point of the poem is that it's ambiguous. The reader should give an answer as to who they are. As for "can" and "as", I feel that the song would lose cohesion without them. The last stanza, in your formulation, loses 1) anchors silence INTO me, that's different from the generic formulation "anchors me into heavy silence", and 2) loses its religious/spiritual connotation "for I have sinned". Also, "eyes close" is a very generic form, unlike eyes resign. The flow also doesn't work then. I'm sorry, but I feel that your critique wants to simplify my poem and I don't like that at all. The comment I do take into consideration is about "can", "as", "has", but I'm still confused considering that a lot of poets, including classical greats, use those forms. Nevertheless, thank you for your comment! :)
Date: 5/11/2015 8:16:00 PM
I like the simplicity of this; If this was a face and I was a photographer, I'd say: good bones. I do not see this as free verse because of the consistent rhyme (slant rhyme, still rhyme) I would like to see something other than 'they' start this poem... who are they? There is an opportunity for something very unusual, right there. The shorter the poem, the closer the reader should be held, what I think. I'd lose "can" in 5th line. Lose "as" in the sixth. has, is, are auxiliary verbs(cont)
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Debbie Guzzi
Date: 5/12/2015 4:48:00 PM
ditto - who is They - what were your apparitions in time & who are the lesser breathers??
Date: 5/11/2015 2:58:00 PM
Hi Nino, I like the flow of your piece, nice economy of words. The form is clear and message readable. My recommendation is add commas and periods and capitals as needed. I think the message would be more dramatic if it had some breaks with commas for pause to drop you into the next thought. Periods will give more feeling that I have completed the thought get ready for the next thought. Using punctuation is such a personal decision. But, if you use any you should use it and wisely. Thanks :o)
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Debbie Guzzi
Date: 5/12/2015 4:46:00 PM
Yes you use punctuation of a sort - the punctuation you are using is line break - to form stanzas
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Nino Kadic
Date: 5/11/2015 3:38:00 PM
Dear Robert, thank you very much for your input, I appreciate it a lot. I'm surprised that there aren't more point of critique, but I'm also glad because of that. As for punctuation, this is a non-final version of the poem, so changes could be made. Honestly, I don't use interpunction in my poems, but if it makes the poem more dramatic, I could try. Thank you, once more! :)