I was skimming Friday's paper as I waited for my barber to put the finishing touches on a customer he he was pruning,
Glancing up occasionally at the Mohawk-headed dropout who'd wandered in from off the street to do a bit of - “mooning”
By favoring those who saw him - from the back - with half his ass...disgusting those in barber chairs and waiting chairs alike...
When - given I'd been contemplating moving to a condo - I turned to Mike - who owned the place - and started out with, “Mike,
“I've been living single now for close to seven years,” And he replied, as he was carefully lathering up a face,
“What about it?” “Well, I've been thinkin'...now that I'm retired....maybe I'd be better off in a somewhat smaller place.
“And I was kinda wonderin' if ya' knew of someone local that offers upscale auctions for the sort of goods I own.
Someone who can help me fetch a whole lot better price than I would likely get by trying to sell my things alone.”
“Matter of fact,” Mike countered, “if my memory serves me right, somewhere in the paper you were reading there's an ad.
It offered help with getting rid of stuff by - having auctions...and showed some - 'prices realized' - from recent ones they'd had!”
“Thanks,” I said, as Mike went back to working on his client...then I perused the paper's ads - more closely than before -
And...as the final glob of what had once comprised a Mohawk left that empty-headed dip-'s scalp and hit the floor,
I discovered an ad that read - “Total Liquidations - Helping folks to rid themselves of any size estate.”
“I found it, Mike,” I spouted, “and I think it's what I need. I'll get a trim some other time...I'm too fired up to wait.
Racing home to call the place, I figured, chances were...if they could help me rid myself of things I didn't need...
I'd have a bit more room for those I did, and - with the proceeds - a pile of cash to burn...a sweet scenario indeed!
Scribbling up a list of items I'd prefer to sell, then adding on another few that I could live without,
I was feeling well prepared for answering any questions concerning what the essence of my phone call was about.
“Total Liquidations,” was the answer I received. Then, “Billy Bob Z'conman - at your service,” after that.
“I see that you do auctions,” I began. He said, “That's right.” So I inquired, politely, “Can you tell me where you're at?”
“We had a real nice building,” he explained, “on Dusty Road, a bit passed where the gravel ends, 'bout thirty miles from town,
But just a couple days ago...the day before the sale...the place went up in flames...a bolt of lightning burned it down!
“We're helping our consignors get, of course...through their insurance... partially reimbursed, at least, for everything they've lost,
And, in the meantime, I'll be doing auctions right on site, at thirty percent commission - to recuperate the cost
“Of running ads and printing fliers, which - as you know - is crucial...and, of course, you couldn't have called me if you hadn't seen my ad.
A few more liquidations - of a bunch of primo items - 'll buy me another building like the latest one I had.”
What did he mean - “the latest one” - I couldn't help but wonder. Gettin' a little nervous, I said, “Let me call you back.”
I looked him up in the phone book, and...with only one Z'Conman...in minutes I was sittin' outside the dilapidated shack
This little weasel lived in, and became a bit concerned, 'cause - liquidators - based on what I'd heard - did fairly-well.
I thought I'd read the address wrong, but knowing, by its prefix - the number in the paper was undoubtedly a cell -
When he suddenly exited...and headed for his mailbox...I wriggled down just far enough to make me hard to see,
Then readied with - an altered voice - I carefully dialed the number...suspecting he would answer, and - not realize it was me.
Sure enough, again he answered - “Total Liquidations” - “Billy Bob Z'Conman at your service,” - like before.
Sticking with an altered-voice...due to how things looked...I asked him - as I watched him disappear behind his door -
- the 2nd half ending of this corny piece is worth the look-see -
Copyright © Mark Stellinga | Year Posted 2021