Poor old Margaret had meant well, she honestly did. Sometimes when you don't know what to say or do, the stupidest or most absurd things come out of a person's mouth. I should know: I am the world's worst
for laughing at something at the exact wrong time. Here are three examples:
My grandmother had just died and we were all in a state of mourning, naturally, but she had been sick for a long time and her death did not come as a shock. Well, mamaw's best friend Margaret had been at the house right after she died quietly at home, just a few minutes before the ambulance arrived. She desperately wanted to say something comforting to my grandfather, and she said, no joke: "Oh, H.B.
, (what everyone called my papaw) she'll make a beautiful corpse!
". Truth is truly funnier and stranger than fiction. Initially, I was absolutely SHOCKED that this came out of her mouth. Like I said, I know she had meant well, but besides your standard "I'm so sorry", etc. what does one say in an attempt at endearing, sincere condolences? Certainly not something about "beautiful corpses
", but even in my doleful/baleful condition, this struck me as deeply hilarious at the most inappropriate time ever to laugh. I had to excuse myself to go outside and smoke lest I erupted in morbid laughter right there in front of my grief-stricken family and family friends. Lord have mercy on Margaret; I know she was only trying to say something meaningful but ended up tickling my funny bone instead. Ironic how something can be both tragic and hilarious, simultaneously.
Second example: I had just landed this job as an onsite job coach for MRDD (developmentally dipoems
/sad'>sadvantaged) individuals to help them maintain their jobs and keep them focused and on task. An aid, basically. First day on the job, we had "sensitivity
" training. So myself, in addition to two more recently hired colleagues, our bosses and several MRDD clients were watching this movie about "handicaps" and "disabilities". Well, this one scene popped up on the screen and it was straight out of an old black and white silent movie where these blind men with Ray Charles glasses and walking canes come crashing through this store's front door windows, just bursting glass everywhere. God, I don't know what came over me, but for some reason, I found this to be terribly comical and humorous and I started giggling. I tried my damndest not to, I swear. Given the surroundings and situation I was in, this was, as before, the completely worst time to get the "church giggles", you know, the kind of giggling that ultimately leads to ensuing hilarity and uncontrollable laughter? I tried coughing, I tried thinking the most horrid thoughts imaginable (more on this in a moment) to supress it to no avail. I must have come across as a total A-hole, I just know it. People were giving me scornful looks and glares that could stop traffic. It was awful. I immediately excused myself to the bathroom upstairs where I could get myself under control.
The final example may paint me in an unfortunate light; possibly the worst person on the planet because it gets much worse from here. But when something's funny, I can't help but to have a fit; so sue me.
I don't remember why Jill and I agreed to it, but our friend Hilary invited us to a teen church "sleep over" with all her Christian buddies. I would guess there were about twenty or so of us kids that went over to these people's house, played games, etc. having good clean Christian fun. Jill and I dabbled in the occult and we were definitely not Christians and we certainly did not look like good Christian kids (see my pic from high school in my "Bio" section for confirmation.) We also took along an awesome Halloween prop (don't ask me why; we were cynical pseudo-Satanic kids) of a vampire that jumped out of his coffin and exclaimed in a typical Transylvanian accent: "Velcome. Ve've been vaiting for you!
". At the time, it was hysterical to us and we had named this vampire "Jerry" for whatever reason so we took Jerry with us. That's not even the most inappropriate part. As I mentioned, we are at these people's house who are total strangers to us and we are spending the night in their house. Right smack dab in the middle of this big, serious prayer, here scoots this baby. Just right out of the blue comes this baby and I will never forget what she looked like and what she did. She had curly brownish hair, wearing only a shirt and diaper. We are right in the midst of this long-ass serious prayer and Jill and I were the only ones with our eyes open (rolling them at each other) and our heads not bowed. As we exchanged these cynical, contemptuous looks at one another, along scoots this baby on the floor, and I don't mean just scooting, but going to town on this floor, scoot, scoot, rubbing along, obviously in an enjoyable fashion (if you get my drift.) Jill and I are the only ones seeing it and we know exactly what she's doing. Unfortunately, as previously mentioned, the ensuing hilarity and literal church giggles started between us. We couldn't stop. So blah blah blah Dear Lord Jesus please
etc. here comes this little precious cherub scooting and rubbing all over the carpet just a gettin' it and we are overcome with laughter. Jill pinched me so hard and whispered so intently and seriously in my ear, "Think of your mother dying
!" and that did nothing but incite more laughter. We could just feel everyone's energy of being irritated and annoyed with us for interrupting this very heavy prayer with abrupt and uncontrollable laughter. What could we do? It was well beyond side-splitting hilarious!
That is why, to this date, whenever I am about to burst out laughing at the worst possible moment, I always try to conjure horrible thoughts to combat it, all thanks to Jill. Perhaps I am indeed despicable and awful, but I can't help it if it's funny and I laugh. Nothing makes me happier or laugh harder than to see someone trip, fall or get balls bounced off their heads. So I'm evil; lynch me ;)