From Great Pain Comes Great Inspiration
A total Jedi mind f*ck from Hell is what this is. I feel like a nuclear bomb has exploded in
my mind of Hiroshima proportions and I am on the brink of a Chernobyl meltdown.
Bewildered may be the best description of what I am feeling right now. I cannot process
anything; I feel like I am in total and utter f*cking shock. I apologize for the expletives;
I normally never curse when I write because I find it uncouth, but I have to get these
feelings out; I know if I don't, I will want to cut, which is the last thing in the world I want to
do. God knows I have enough scars; I don't need or want anymore.
From great pain comes great inspiration, I believe. Even though my mind is positively
reeling at this very moment as I type, I feel exponentially inspired. I am completely
overwhelmed emotionally, and I have just now stopped sobbing and weeping enough to
write; to get these horrid feelings out of me.
Even the smallest of troubles or strife turn into absolute tragedy and catastrophe in my
mind; I cannot help or control it, and God knows I wish I could. I "catastrophize" everything.
My best friend of 15 years just called me and told me she was moving to Alabama. I
shouldn't even say "best friend" for she is more like a sister to me. Always, always she
has been close by and been there for me as I have been for her, and now she is moving
what seems like galaxies away from me, and the pain I am feeling is so tremendous and
shocking; so unnerving and vexing and tormenting and afflicting...I could go on forever
with melancholy and exasperating adjectives and descriptions. In my mind, she is dead
and I am hosting the funeral in my brain. That's totally insane; I understand that, but at
this moment I am NOT rational. For a moment after I stopped crying my eyes out, I
almost felt catatonic. In my partner's arms, I just wept as he held me; I was shaking
and shuddering furiously. I feel lost. I haven't felt this powerless or helpless since my
grandparents died. She is moving away and there is nothing I can do about it. I am
a horrible and selfish human being for I want her to stay, so desperate do I feel.
Wendy, my sister, my best friend, my partner in crime; my cohort, consort, comrade,
co-conspirator: you who know me best, inside and out, like a book...you are leaving me,
and my sorrow is swallowing me whole- devouring me like an angry, rabid beast. Don't
go; don't leave me. With every fiber of my being I wish you to stay, but you've made up
your mind and told me your decision at the worst possible time, when I am already too
stressed to deal with or process this kind of pain and anguish in a healthy way. I'm ready
to hit the bottles: whisky and Lortab. They will ease the pain and will quell the compulsion
to cut.
This is the most personal blog I have written. I didn't know what else to do but turn this
despair into words to help ease the heartache and suffering. If anyone cares, I need
support right now. I need prayers and well wishes and good vibes; I am about to crumble
to pieces. I feel like the proverbial rug has been pulled out from under my feet and I don't
know what to do. This is the worst feeling in the world. Uncertainty is truly the worst of all
ailments.
~Chan
Copyright © Just That Archaic Poet | Year Posted 2013
Post Comments
Poetrysoup is an environment of encouragement and growth so only provide specific positive comments that indicate what you appreciate about the poem.
Please
Login
to post a comment