From Great Pain Comes Great Inspiration? - Just That Archaic Poet's Blog

A total Jedi mind fuck from Hell is what this is. I feel like a nuclear bomb has exploded in my mind of Hiroshima proportions and I am on the brink of a Chernobyl meltdown. Bewildered may be the best description of what I am feeling right now. I cannot process anything; I feel like I am in total and utter fucking shock. I apologize for the expletives; I normally never curse when I write because I find it uncouth, but I have to get these feelings out; I know if I don't, I will want to cut, which is the last thing in the world I want to do. God knows I have enough scars; I don't need or want anymore.

From great pain comes great inspiration, I believe. Even though my mind is positively reeling at this very moment as I type, I feel exponentially inspired. I am completely overwhelmed emotionally, and I have just now stopped sobbing and weeping enough to write; to get these horrid feelings out of me.

Even the smallest of troubles or strife turn into absolute tragedy and catastrophe in my mind; I cannot help or control it, and God knows I wish I could. I "catastrophize" everything.

My best friend of 15 years just called me and told me she was moving to Alabama. I shouldn't even say "best friend" for she is more like a sister to me. Always, always she has been close by and been there for me as I have been for her, and now she is moving what seems like galaxies away from me, and the pain I am feeling is so tremendous and shocking; so unnerving and vexing and tormenting and afflicting...I could go on forever with melancholy and exasperating adjectives and descriptions. In my mind, she is dead and I am hosting the funeral in my brain. That's totally insane; I understand that, but at this moment I am NOT rational. For a moment after I stopped crying my eyes out, I almost felt catatonic. In my partner's arms, I just wept as he held me; I was shaking and shuddering furiously. I feel lost. I haven't felt this powerless or helpless since my grandparents died. She is moving away and there is nothing I can do about it. I am a horrible and selfish human being for I want her to stay, so desperate do I feel. Wendy, my sister, my best friend, my partner in crime; my cohort, consort, comrade, co-conspirator: you who know me best, inside and out, like a book...you are leaving me, and my sorrow is swallowing me whole- devouring me like an angry, rabid beast. Don't go; don't leave me. With every fiber of my being I wish you to stay, but you've made up your mind and told me your decision at the worst possible time, when I am already too stressed to deal with or process this kind of pain and anguish in a healthy way. I'm ready to hit the bottles: whisky and Lortab. They will ease the pain and will quell the compulsion to cut.

This is the most personal blog I have written. I didn't know what else to do but turn this despair into words to help ease the heartache and suffering. If anyone cares, I need support right now. I need prayers and well wishes and good vibes; I am about to crumble to pieces. I feel like the proverbial rug has been pulled out from under my feet and I don't know what to do. This is the worst feeling in the world. Uncertainty is truly the worst of all ailments.

~Chan

Karen Anglesey Date: 11/9/2013 11:12:00 AM Chan, so sorry to see you going through such feelings of despair. She must have her reasons for having to make a change. You will still be in contact. I hope you can find some sort of comfort in understanding that she must make decisions that will be beneficial to her. Change is difficult, I know. Login to Reply Just That Archaic Poet Date: 11/25/2013 8:11:00 AM It is difficult, indeed. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and insights, Karen <3

Andrea Dietrich Date: 11/6/2013 4:37:00 PM Sorry this happened. Such sadness does not often bring poetry out in me but a few times I wrote from my anger or sadness. Login to Reply Just That Archaic Poet Date: 11/25/2013 8:10:00 AM Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Andrea :)

Richard Lamoureux Date: 11/6/2013 10:03:00 AM For a guy who does not consider anything but Rhyming as poetry your profile is surprisingly poetic. Your description of yourself is well expressed! On the note of your blog I hope you and your friend find a way to maintain your special connection. Login to Reply Just That Archaic Poet Date: 11/6/2013 1:21:00 PM Thank you, my friend :)

Just That Archaic Poet Date: 11/5/2013 10:53:00 PM Just want to thank you all in one big post for all the love, kindness, encouragement and support everyone has given me tonight. All of you helped get me through this evening. The outpouring of empathy has helped me more than I can ever express. I deeply appreciate all of my friend coming to my rescue tonight; it means the world to me and I cannot thank you all enough. Much love to you all, and thank you a million times over <3 ~Chan Login to Reply

Debbie Guzzi Date: 11/5/2013 7:51:00 PM It's amazing the variety of things which can set us reeling! Can I say, "I'm on the same page?" I would suggest more TOUCH! [I know I know, a massage therapist thinks massage cures everything BUT it really HELPS!!] Go get a REAL massage feel loving kindness & nurture from a total stranger shows you the GOOD side of being human is in all of us! Really! a steady routine of a massage every 2 weeks is a heck of a lot cheaper and more painless than what you mentioned. [Also write poetry rant poems I am going to soup mail you the one I wrote cause I can post it on soup] BIG HUGS Light & Love [ps stop saying the bad words ;) it really doesn't help!] Login to Reply

Mark Peterson Date: 11/5/2013 7:16:00 PM Chan: My comments about your poem were flip, not appreciating the situation's gravity. My dear friend in life, Johnny, was like Wendy is for you. I have memories, but they end in 1992. My wife and her friend, Kathy, though 1,500 miles apart, call every Saturday--a tradition from their favorite song together: "Come Saturday Morning" I'm going away with my friend. With loss, the senses compensate. Not immediately but soon. You can call, Skype with video, Facebook with pictures, rhymes and words. And, once a year, plan to get together somewhere. Build the traditions. Your heart will become strong. I promise. I have seen it. You'll have all the memories...and more. Login to Reply

Robin Davis Date: 11/5/2013 6:58:00 PM Chan The Man I already have one friend ( my BFF ) in pain right now scaring me with things she said.. I don't need another one doing the same thing. I will tell you what I told her. Take it one step at a time. The hurt will go away sooner than you think. Your friend may be moving away, but she will ALWAYS be in your heart, soul, mind and memories. So PLEASE don't do anything to hurt yourself. Promise me you will not do anything drastic. Who am I going to write to everyday if you do. Hugs and Love Sweet Pea Login to Reply Robin Davis Date: 11/5/2013 7:00:00 PM Bad boy using all those nasty words. Shame on you. LOL My virgin ears are in shock. HEE HEE ( trying to make you smile )