All the Lonely People, Part 1 - Donna Golden's Blog

<P><STRONG><SPAN style="COLOR: #3333ff; FONT-FAMILY: Verdana"><FONT color=#000080 size=2>"All the lonely people, where do they all come from?</FONT></SPAN></STRONG><B><SPAN style="COLOR: #3333ff"><BR><STRONG><SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Verdana"><FONT color=#000080 size=2>All the lonely people, where do they all belong?"</FONT></SPAN></STRONG></SPAN></B></P> <P><STRONG><SPAN style="COLOR: #3333ff; FONT-FAMILY: Verdana"><FONT color=#000080 size=2>These lines from the Beattles' classic song have haunted me for years. Like the writer of the verses, I look at all the lonely people and&nbsp;I wonder...how is it that we can be surrounded by people and yet feel so completely alone? Why are so many feeling isolated and miserable--and sure that no one else feels the way that&nbsp;they do? </FONT></SPAN></STRONG><B><SPAN style="COLOR: #3333ff"><BR><BR><STRONG><SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Verdana"><FONT color=#000080 size=2>Maybe it's because they have no one with which to share&nbsp;the intimacy that they need to truly connect with another human being.</FONT></SPAN></STRONG></SPAN></B></P> <P><STRONG><SPAN style="COLOR: #3333ff; FONT-FAMILY: Verdana"><FONT color=#000080 size=2>As I think about it, one word comes to mind. Fear. We're afraid to connect with others in a deeply meaningful way.&nbsp;Some&nbsp;may think it's&nbsp;absurd to come to such a conclusion,&nbsp;but look around carefully. Many people spend their lives being afraid of one thing or another...especially once life has given&nbsp;them a few hard knocks. Through bad experiences we often&nbsp;become afraid of intimacy, because intimacy can mean exposing things that we keep hidden from others to protect ourselves from harm. </FONT></SPAN></STRONG><B><SPAN style="COLOR: #3333ff"><BR><FONT color=#000080><FONT size=2><BR><STRONG><SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Verdana">This can apply to not only broken relationships with lovers, but&nbsp;friends, families, church groups, you name it. It can happen in any number of ways and to varying degrees. We hurt each other. Some people want to prevent further&nbsp;hurt so much that they avoid deep relationships altogether. BUT THEY ARE LONELY! </SPAN></STRONG><BR><BR><STRONG><SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Verdana">What&nbsp;many fail to realize is that by chosing to stay disconnected, they may deny someone very special the pleasure and comfort of their friendship. That unknown potential friend misses out on knowing the wounded person...because the wounded one is afraid to trust and love again.</SPAN></STRONG></FONT></FONT></SPAN></B></P> <P><STRONG><SPAN style="COLOR: #3333ff; FONT-FAMILY: Verdana"><FONT color=#000080 size=2>It's sad and&nbsp;tragic, but common. And, I think, the root of why many are lonely. They're letting past hurts define them and,&nbsp;therefore, define&nbsp;their lives. </FONT></SPAN></STRONG></P> <P><STRONG><SPAN style="COLOR: #3333ff; FONT-FAMILY: Verdana"><FONT color=#000080 size=2>Dare I be bold enough here to suggest we put those hurts where they belong; in the past? I guess I do dare. I dare you to reach out and risk&nbsp;being vulnerable&nbsp;again&nbsp;in order to make a new connection. Reach out to someone who you can see needs a friend. They may become precious to you. And that heartbreak you fear...there's a good chance you won't revisit it. </FONT></SPAN></STRONG><B><SPAN style="COLOR: #3333ff"><BR><BR><FONT color=#000080 size=2><STRONG><SPAN style="FONT-FAMILY: Verdana">Some may say, "You've obviously never had your heart broken."&nbsp; I can assure you, I have. I'm writing this&nbsp;for two reasons. First, I've felt led to address this after seeing many I care about suffer with lonliness. Second, partly as my own kind of therapy; advice that I plan to take myself.&nbsp;</SPAN></STRONG></FONT></SPAN></B></P> <P><STRONG><SPAN style="COLOR: #3333ff; FONT-FAMILY: Verdana"><FONT color=#000080 size=2>A final thought,&nbsp;and then I'm done with Part One. (It is fitting, because it introduces something I'll soon talk about in Part Two). The follwing is a verse from a song featured in Bruce Almighty...it should be evident where I'm going from this point:</FONT></SPAN></STRONG></P> <P><STRONG><SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt; COLOR: #3333ff; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA"><FONT color=#000080 size=2>"There's a God-shaped hole in all of us</FONT></SPAN></STRONG><B><SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt; COLOR: #3333ff; FONT-FAMILY: 'Times New Roman'; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA"><BR style="mso-special-character: line-break"><SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt; COLOR: #3333ff; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA"><FONT color=#000080 size=2>&nbsp;And the restless soul is searching</FONT></SPAN><B><SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt; COLOR: #3333ff; FONT-FAMILY: 'Times New Roman'; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA"><BR><FONT color=#000080><FONT size=2><STRONG>&nbsp;There's a God-shaped hole in all of us</STRONG><BR><STRONG>&nbsp;And it's a void only He can fill"</STRONG></FONT></FONT></SPAN></B></SPAN></B></P> <P><B><SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt; COLOR: #3333ff; FONT-FAMILY: 'Times New Roman'; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA"><B><SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt; COLOR: #3333ff; FONT-FAMILY: 'Times New Roman'; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA"><FONT color=#000080>Blessings on you all today!</FONT></SPAN></B></SPAN></B></P> <P><B><SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt; COLOR: #3333ff; FONT-FAMILY: 'Times New Roman'; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA"><B><SPAN style="FONT-SIZE: 12pt; COLOR: #3333ff; FONT-FAMILY: 'Times New Roman'; mso-fareast-font-family: 'Times New Roman'; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA"><FONT color=#000080>Donna G.</FONT></SPAN></B></SPAN></B></P>

Yoni Dvorkis Date: 1/30/2009 8:15:00 PM the way I see it, if everyone met their soul mate in the world (usually people have about 5 - 10 in one lifetime) then they would be truly happy forever after living with their 'prince' who will be everything they ever need and ever will need. Only problem is no one is capable of completely fulfilling another person's needs. That's why men have mid life crises and cheat on their wives who they met in high school and love very deeply. Once the magic of romance wears off you're left with a human being capable of loving you endlessly and tearing you to shreds within the same 5 minutes. That's why people don't want to connect. The uncertainty is too much to bear. But then it's also the thrill of the unknown that makes them try anyway. I need to ensure my own happiness first, then worry about someone elses, like being on a plane and putting on your oxygen mask first and then your dependent's. Login to Reply

Carrie Richards Date: 1/29/2009 9:11:00 AM There is so much truth and honesty in your blog today, Donna. You have filled it with wise advice. Even here on Poetry Soup, so many poems are dark with longing, with lonliness, my heart goes out. I think that is why this site is fufilling to so many....it is a place to connect...to reach out, and to have someone listen. EVERYONE has had heartbreak and disappointment...and it can be very hard to let it go. But as any self-help book will tell you...we are only hurting ourselves by hanging on to those hurts. God bless! Carrie Login to Reply

Debbie Guzzi Date: 1/29/2009 7:39:00 AM I couldn't agree more. I am a hands on healer & use massage; Swedish, Thai, Lomi Lomi, acupressure as body worker but I am also a Reiki Master teacher; doing work on our energy bodies; our chi/qi. I would never have come to this profession without going through ALL the trauma I lived. pedophile experiences at 5-8, date rape at 19. I married out of fear and stayed in a protected environment healing (and smothering) for 25 years. Since 2001 I have made a major attack on all my fears and have come through shining. My experiences have enabled me to touch others and help. They know I understand and except & love them as human beings warts and all. Now at 60 I feel blessed for my life and my gifts. Login to Reply

Vince Suzadail Jr. Date: 1/29/2009 6:08:00 AM You hit it right on the head. Fear is one of our worst enemies. It causes war, conflict, self-doubt, illness, etc. This is one of the reasons an abused kid is so hard to reach. Too many people give up trying and the kid becomes more fearful of attempting trust again. In Springsteen's these are better days "Heaven help the man who's living in his own skin and can't stand the company." Loneliness is often a choice made totally out of fear. God Bless. Vince Login to Reply

Wilfredo Derequito Date: 1/29/2009 12:17:00 AM Lines from Paul Simon's 'I Am A Rock' summarizes what loneliness is all about: "Don't talk of love 'cause I've heard that word before/It's sleeping in my memory/I won't disturb the slumber of feelings that have died/If I never loved I never would have cried/....I have my books and my poetry to protect me/I am shielded in my armor/Hiding in my room, safe within my womb/I touch no one and no one touches me." Withdrawal and alienation. Once wounded, twice guarded. Login to Reply

Wilfredo Derequito Date: 1/29/2009 12:03:00 AM Dissecting, profound essay you've got here. I would say alienation is the culprit, our inability to connect to the next person, arising from the complexities and pressure brought about by modern society which then gives rise to too many Eleanor Rigbys. Look around in cities and urban areas and you see neighbors living next to each other who don't know each other, they just don't have the time. Yes, alone amidst a sea of people, oxymoronic perhaps but utterly true. Paul Simon's 'I Am A Rock' and 'Sound Of Silence', Randy Newman's 'I Think It's Gonna Rain Today', Bob Dylan's 'Too Much Of Nothing', Kris Kristofferson's 'Sunday Morning Coming Down', Leonard Cohen's songs, they all talk about the same thing. My theory: based on direct observation, in rural areas where folks have a great sense of COMMUNITY and everybody knows everybody, loneliness is rare and where couch therapists won't ever make a living! Why? Again here's an oxymoron: strangely, less people, more connection! Fred Login to Reply