There was a winsome writer named Andie
who wrote poetry really Jim Dandy
with pencil or pen
she'd write her amens
For our Andie was truly not randy.
That he planned his funeral is factual
And being a prankster quite actual
He prerecorded his voice
So when we kneeled on the joist
He said, "Hi there! Don't I look natural."
Sweet and Sour hectic sign
Love me, trust me, the stars align
Balance of truth and dare
Good and Evil, full of care
Blind when it comes to blood line
All year long he puts my heart on a shelf
No surprise I’d rather be by myself
If there’s no Valentine treat
From this worthless hunk of meat
He can go on making love to himself
Remember there’s an “I” in Valentine
So if no one’s around to say, “Be mine”
Just splurge – get a new hairdo
Party with an all-girl crew
Check out the divorce rate and say, “I’m fine”
*For Francine's Valentine Limerick contest
There once was a man from Niagara
whose wiener's so long it would stab ya'
but when it got little
his pills became skittles
until he O.D.'d on Viagra
© ~JSLambert 2011*****A classic "stiff" competitor, standing "firm" amongst other "members" in the "thick" of the competition:) hope everyone gets "a rise" out of it!
My favorite cousin named Marge
is almost as big as a barge.
So one would assume,
not knowing the groom,
the guy would most likely be large.
But he was a small man named Tim
“As thin as a broom” describes him.
While Marge would guffaw,
Tim would watch her with awe
and just smile for he was so prim!
When the preacher addressed him and said,
“You may now kiss the bride,” Tim turned red,
for their lips could not meet.
With high heels on her feet,
Marge stood towering over his head.
She leaned down while Tim stood on his toes,
but for being in such a strange pose,
Marge then came toppling down
crushing Tim neath her gown
while the whole church erupted in “Ohhhhh’s.”
All was well, and thereafter, we ate;
then we planned next to dance until late.
But none could foresee
the small tragedy
that had us all leaving by eight!
Marge had tossed off her heels for a glide
on the dance floor, but when they both tried
to dance, Tim got snagged
by that dang gown and dragged
as his bride was beginning to slide. . .
Now shoeless, poor Marge could not stop.
Toward a table with candles on top,
they slid, and the groom
then set fire to the room
by landing with a belly flop.
Poor Tim by the candles got lit,
and we were all having a fit,
for the fire got spread fast
till the Best Man at last
got us all wet extinguishing it!
Inspired by the title of the movie: My Big Fat Greek Wedding
& : Joann Grisetti's "My Cousin's Wedding" Poetry contest
Beatlemania (The Fab Four As Lovers)
Once a choir boy, John turned to romance,
Fell for Yoko almost at first glance.
In full public view
In bed with her too -
Showed the world how to “give peace a chance.”
Quiet George played much more than guitar.
Lost his wife to another rock star.
Layla left him because
Of how hung up he was
On the music he made with his sitar!
Ringo acted in “Caveman” and met
His wife Barb (once a Bond girl) on set.
Though the film of this drummer
Was dumber than dumber,
Wise in love, he’s not left his Barb yet!
A heart breaker, Paul left Wife "One"
For Linda, and made her a vegan!
On their farm smoking pot,
They made money (a LOT)!
He’s a genius whose life sure seems fun!
written Oct. 13, 2013 for the BeatleMania Contest of
This is one laymans' confession
(I have this nagging obsession)
A huge mass of matter
Explodes in a scatter
Here is my 'ignorant' question...
From whence came this gigantic ball?
Just how did the whole thing befall?
What was there before that?
And before even that?
And so on and so forth, et.al...
Blank space, only vacuum you say?
Endless void? Flat nothing? Okay...
Is nothing just nothing,
Or ain't nothing something
And what made the nothing I pray?
Princess just wants a new car.
I have told her that hers will go far.
'Oh, it's really not cool
driving this crap to school.'
'Do I need that emotional scar? '
'The kids will all laugh at the rust.
When we race, I'll be left in the dust!
I will save up some cash
then we'll make a mad dash
to the car dealer surely you trust'.
'He will make us a wonderful deal
and I'm sure you will know how I feel.
I will love you so much,
My siblings... I won't touch.
Just get me behind a new wheel'!
Now she'll be cruisin in style.
She'll be happy for only awhile.
There will always be better
and we'll try hard to get her
a car that will make princess smile.
Brother told us sometimes that he peed
sitting down with a good book to read,
but with his ding-a-ling
he was having a fling
when we spied on him. Good book indeed!
Written 5/20/14 for Roy Jerden's Bawdy, Bawdy, Bawdy, Miss Clawdy Limerick Contest
By the way, from comments I am getting, I need to let everyone know this is simply a fabrication. My brother told us nothing, and we never spied on him. And our small bathroom shared by ten people would not have suited this purpose! hahaha
Mom caught her boob in the washer’s wringer
Rotor made Mom an opera singer
Tit for tat, she got redder
Pop struggled with the lever
I pulled the plug, was able to spring ‘er
Wow! Mum is the word on this awful day
We don’t refer to this deed of foul play
“Hah! Your Dad’s a dud," she cried
As with pain pills she was plied
Now under the radar Pop stays away
*Entry for David William’s Palindrome Mad Contest
By Carolyn Devonshire
Mom, boob, rotor, tit, tat, redder, Pop, Wow, Mum, refer, deed, Hah!, Dad, dud, radar
An outdoor wedding, no sign of rain
The bride’s gown had a 10-foot train
Crossing the lawn to her bequeathed
Fido snatched the train in his teeth
And Pop watched eight grand go down the drain
Her Soup name we know as PD
Her REAL name is Linda you see
And Irma as well
Trevino! I yell
From my rooftop...Can’t hear me? (Poor me)
For a very special and loyal friend...
We are taking a long horseback ride
On the great continental divide
They are singing "Mule Train"
Just like old Frankie Laine
While my poor butt is wailing "Rawhide"
The guide's muscles are trapezoidal
With ripples and bulges steroidal
All the bulges I find
Are inside my behind
And for sure are all hemorrhoidal
I guess I'm a poor city slicker
Of riding I couldn't be sicker
I would rather be home
Where no buffalo roam
With sitz bath and plenty of liquor
The trail is finally on the last branch
All the bleeding at last I can stanch
The guide said there's a hut
Where he'll tend to my butt
Here at the Brokeback Mountain Dude Ranch
July 13, 2014
Diz Cajonne dey call Thibodaux
Paddle dis girl in his Pirogue
Den he see dem unmention
Dad tool stan at attention
She slap him stick HARD doncha' know
Dad pole shrink awful fas he yell whoa!
Sha, whad did you swat dad ting fo?
Now it at parade rest
Like diz bird in a nest
I have a friend by the name of Tim,
He keeps in shape when frequents the gym.
His Kelly green Mustang he drove
And smack'd it into a cove.
The witches got him and ate one of his limbs!
While a man was golfing in Fife
a funeral cortege was arife,
his head bowed in prayer
at this somber affair
to pay last respects to his wife!
For "Show Me the Funny (part two)"
There once was a fellow a woggin'*
Who bumped into one who was loggin'
They had quite a spat
The ax was a bat
And the first had a lump on his noggin
* Woggers are those who get all dressed for jogging, but only go at walking speed, while vigorously pumping their arms to delude themselves that they are jogging.
My passion for fishing is well known
But sometimes my catch brings a huge groan
Octopus clung to my boat
Dolphins around me did gloat
The queen of the sea had been dethroned
Sadly, a true story for Royal’s Favorite Sport challenge.
It took my 10 minutes to try and pry the octopus from
the back of the boat. Each time I pulled up one arm,
it slapped down another one. They have suction cups on
their arms. My article “Octopus on Board” was
published in Florida Wildlife magazine.
Christmas finds reindeer landing on rooftops
Santa’s kindly added some extra stops
His sleigh filled with travelers
Scared of TSA handlers
Scoff as coal through government chimneys drops
*For Francine’s Christmas contest
Ole Les set out by kayak from the shore
Big blue marlin rose from the ocean floor
Nipped his bait, gave Les a tow
Water-logged craft sank below
Friends shook their heads and said, "No Les, no more"
Written for John Freeman's "Fishing" limerick contest
Okay, the man's name wasn't Les ,but this video shows two kayaks being towed 11
miles by marlins. I took a little poetic license with the ending too. Both men
survived. If you fish you will be amazed by this video:
Through the window I looked one day
At a poor lassie in troubled display
She stood high on a chair
In such a terrified stare
Shouting "Oh! please, please go away"
I needed to view this even more
Running round I looked in the door
So afraid in her house
Of a little door-mouse
Sweat was running from her pores
So being the gentleman that I am
To get this damsel out of this jam
I said "Hey! furry dude
Please don't be so rude
For your scaring this poor little madam"
So I gently picked up the door-mouse
And kindly removed from her house
Her tears turned to joy
Throwing her arms round this boy
Not long after, she became my spouse
He walks into the room each day at six
As around their Dad all five children mix
He smiles at them with glee
Meantime he sneers at me
So I get prepared to take all his licks
“What have you been doing all day?” he asks
No appreciation for all my tasks
“Washed clothes and changed diapers
Don’t need any gripers”
This insensitive father wears two masks
Each morning his breakfast is served on time
Later, vodka collins are served with lime
He never shops for food
Says my cooking’s no good
And when he bathes, the tub is filled with grime
My Mom said, “Men just work from sun to sun,
But a woman’s housework is never done”
I found a new game plan
A hearty, handsome man
Together, my husband we could outrun
May 25, 2012
*Entry for David’s 3 H contest
There once was a ninja named Dwight
who sneaked into my house one night.
Bumping into my bed,
when he saw me, he said,
"I'd do better in here with some light!"
“O commercialized corporate franchise”
Thou that holds illusions in selling lies
Max out your credit cards
Lenders be holder’s lords
Forfeiting all bank notes as owner cries
“O commercialized corporate franchise”
My babies wonder about Christmas guys
My babies’ futures be scared
Must obey corporate lords
“O thou commercialized corporate lies”
Just commercialized greedy Xmas rush
Souls like zombies of the corporate thrust
The X of the Christ
O Love’s sacrifice
“In commercialized corporate we trust”
For Commercialized Humor contest
Sponsored by: Carolyn Devonshire