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My struggles with life death and religion part one

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My struggles with life death and religion part one

To live life without consequence,
is there no love you will dispense?
All the while guilted we embrace,
and worry of sadness and stress in your face.

Ruthlessly you orchestrate
while falsely you demonstrate,
oh, what a grand escapade 
your life is nothing but a charade. 

I fight the anger inside of me
from swallowing me whole,
I try to find religion in me,
seeking forgiveness for it to bestow.

So long I've been away 
from a belief in a Christ,
why this distance?
Previously this Christ was my life.

Age 10, tormented and angered,
I rebuked that life of Calvary.
But behold 15 more years of struggles, 
payment for my naivety.

"Oh ye of little faith,"
quoteth the dear lord,
is this lack of faith
my death, my sword?

And for ye of little faith,
what might He suggest?
All that I have trusted,
have caused my digress. 

Or might that be the lesson,
that eventually will become clear,
blame not those who have wronged you,
live not your life in fear?

Fear not anterior motives 
and keep thine enemies near?
Are these the lessons 
I should hope to become clear?

I fear my lack of faith, 
knowledge, and strength,
shall lead my kids astray,
following in my mother's deceitful way.

And what of "honor thy mother and thy father?"
Do in all instances these apply?
What if thy mother abuses and abandons,
and your father may have assaulted only to die?

Do you honor thy mother 
who hath no honor in her at all?
Do you honor thy father
of whom few memories you recall?

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