Gratitude for An Inner Life With Its Highs and Lows - Kathleen Kroll's Blog

Dear Blog Readers,

I'm still on the west coast.  It's been amazing being here long term with family close enough to visit during the week and on weekends. The ocean inspires a peace inside me that I don't seem to receive elsewhere.  My lady, the ocean, has been tempremental.  For almost 10 days, she tossed and moaned and groaned.  Raindrops pounded her surface and the groundscape. Her waves slapped the shore with such force that she wore away the shoreline.  Yet her sufferings bore such blessings.   Rain drops glistened on the wooden bench perched on Fiscalini Ranch's cliff walk.  Unknown flowers popped their colorful heads out from verdant greenery.  Frog life chirped and rippled from stream beds, unseen, singing and whistling.  Rippett, rippett, rippett their songs echo in my ears.   

My lady's  emotions mirror my inner life here  I had a scare that I might have caused my daughter a painful reaction with meat that wasn't cooked thoroughly.  Her digestive system is so fragile.  I ruminated, worried, blamed. lost sleep.  I wore my Catholic girl's hair shirt so well.  At our arrival, she was happy, witty, exuberant.  She was healthier than I had seen her in years.  Then the demons seemed to overtake her body again.  Today we have reached some sort of stasis. She is still healthier than she has been the last couple of years.  But she tires quickly.  Still our personal relationship is more easy going and warmer.  Better health has erased a number of inner demons.  Pain is an underrated torturer.  It destroys motivation. Some of our uglier emotions like  anger and resentment, bubble to the surface and unleash themselves more easily.

There has been an unexpected personal reaction too.  I find that I am more open and sharing conversationallly.  It's never been easy for me to voice my inner thoughts and musings.  The other day, I found myself sharing stories of her and her siblings misadventures through adolescence in ways I hadn't before.  She's dealing with a preteen who exhibits all the normal backtalk and resistance to parental authority that we associate with this developmental stage.   I talked more openly about the pitfalls of being a single mom raising three kids.  I realized that my grands knew some things from their mom but not from me.  Isn't that too bad?

We had a lovely day yesterday visiting the Ronald Reagan Museum.  There was an amazing exhibit on the technology of the future.  My grandson is entranced by virtual reality.  There were exhibits on robotics and space travel and the possibility of  selfl-driving cars in 2020.  At dinner, I casually mentioned how disappointing it is to know that I will miss so many of the technological advances.  I just won't be around for them.  There was a stunned silence.  I realized that I seldom talk about death.  I reassured them that I wasn't meaning to be mauldin or inspire sympathy.  At that moment, I  was just facing the reality that life will go on without me.  Daily lives will change in unimaginable ways.  My grandchildren will have victories and challenges that I will not see.  Generations will come and go of which I am only one tiny drop in the ocean....