super boll
boll weevil twin brothers: one was great, one the lesser of two weevils
you killed my father, prepare to die
three-legged dog in a saloon: "looking for the man who shot my paw"
a news headline i'd like to see
buddhist avoids novocain wants to transcend dental medication
somewhere in the middle
she once told me i was average i said she was just being mean
that would be a real night-mare
he tries to not talk like a horse doesn't want to be a neigh sayer
what's a particle like you doing in a place like this?
neutron asks "how much for a beer?" the bartender says, "for you, no charge"
eleventh one's the charm?
i entered ten pun contests hoping one would win
no pun in ten did
Happy New Year to all... may your 2023 be filled with smiles
I pass by wispy meadows
That have always lined these roads
I've got a dollar in my pocket
And a dog who will follow me,
Almost anywhere
I let the sunshine deaden me
With solar Novocain
And my tear ducts that dried up
A long, long time ago
Don't despair if I'm not there
You're better off without me
and the burden I've become
'Cause if I stay this thing remains
I'm sure you'd do the same
I've worked the same job for a decade
With nothing much to show
Just a pension and some wisdom
And a handful of bad memories
So, forgive me if i leave you
Without so much as a goodbye
Your time is worth more than The dollar
That I waisted
For some cigarettes
It seems unfair that you're still there
While I'm leaving,
This place that never wanted us
For anything
In my travels I have wandered
Much more than two and fro
And though I’m tired
I regret that I am leaving here
Just as I wandered home
I would rather have all my teeth pulled out by a mad gorilla
From the psychiatric ward of a jail house in Manilla,
With a pair of dirty dingy pliers, and manure and more,
Than have to walk on Black Friday into any store’s entrance door.
Rather have my wisdom teeth pulled by this deranged gorilla head,
Without benefit of Novocain in a dirty cow-birthing shed,
Nothing neat, nothing sterile, or the least bit clean along the way,
Than have to go kicking and screaming into a store on Black Friday.
So if you think you are going to call me at two in the a.m.
And try to get me to the store, I am simply not one of them.
And if you call me at the ridiculous morning hour of two,
I will send this head-case gorilla to pull some teeth out of you.
Obtain When You Refrain
A much better appearance will obtain,
Saying things full of nonsense refrain;
Your noise deaden,
And peace heading,
Or do need Novocain to deaden the pain.
Jim Horn
Let’s get lost tonight
Outta my head
Kill all the lights
So sick of it
It’s time for flight
Away off the ledge
To the edge
Below
Into the water
But can’t feel the
Cold
Cause it ate
To the core
Now I’m back
For more
Cause all I want
Is to end the sore
Like Novocain
No pain
No hurt
Gone like my soul
No more
Remorse
But I’ll hold my glass
To days long past
Where in my chest
I knew it won’(t) last
Now your subtleties
Aren’t just a game
And these memories
Are here to stay
I guess perhaps
I’m sick of wishin’
For yesterday
And reminiscin’
Fast Lane and Novocain
My thump is sore pure and plain
For it and fast lane need Novocain
Found out without use of my thumb
Was hard to bat and beat a drum
Music playing greatness to sustain.
While at home wife was wearing the pants
On boil on my thumb, she used a lance
Said my brain sure seemed so small
And she will go ahead and do it all
From caring for computer to finance.
I finally found so much spiritual food
That me and my soul viewed and viewed
What now does God have in store for me
Ability to write as well as hear and see
Cats who in heaven meowed and meowed.
James Thesarious Hilarious Horn
Retired Veteran and Poet
Original limerick written by Jan Allison
A petite ballerina named Tina
Seemed serene but she couldn’t be meaner
When she got in the sack
She was on the attack
At the size and the shape of his ‘wiener’
Her suitors would then try to dodge her
After insults on their little todger
But listen up guys
I have a surprise
She’s transgender and she was once Rodger!
Continuation poem written by Sonny Roper
Tina wanted a special honeymoon night
She wanted everything to be just right
Into his drink she slipped two little blue pills
It was to enhance their midnight thrills
Into the bed she jumped with her stud
But the night suddenly turn into a dud
Fred was in the land of dreams! As a joke it seems
Someone had slipped Novocain into her Vaseline!
Original Limerick by Jan Allison - the story of Tina continued by Sonny Roper
25th March 2016
Blade of a fan
Or a knife
Took some getting used to.
Pain of it all
Factual or perceived
Pain is pain
Love is love
Not one in the same
If they were
It would not feel this way.
Novocain that wound
Stifle that feel
Reinforce that steel
Light
Will eternally
Penetrate
Even if it is amongst the fake.
A skeleton walks into a bar and says
“Gimme a beer and a mop”
Show me where Joseph Stalin is buried
And I'll show you a communist plot
My masseuse rubbed me the wrong way again
Fired her though she had good skills
A duck in a bar orders a couple of beers
Says, “Just put it on my bill”
About seven million people are overweight
These, of course, are round figures
Where would you find giant snails I ask
On the ends of a giant's fingers
Studied over four years to become a doctor
But I didn't have any patience
A Buddhist refused Novocain from his dentist
To transcend dental medication
Had a job working in an orange juice factory
Got canned 'cause I couldn't concentrate
Also worked for a pool maintenance company
Too draining so getting fired was my fate
Thought I'd try working as a tailor a while back
But the job wasn't suited for me
Can you please tell me the purpose of reindeer
It makes the grass grow, my sweetie
Enough is enough so until next time we meet
Thanks for your indulgence once more
I will definitely want your honest critique
But please be gentle, I implore
© Jack Ellison 2014
Anxiety
Sitting in the chair
Hope they work with care
Anything to numb the pain
Fear driving insane
Numbness
Novocain takes effect
From my fear it will protect
Now with relaxation
I feel no sensation
Comfort
They treat me so nice
Definitely worth the price
Excited to help my smile
Although it may take awhile
Impatient
Hours have gone by
I let out a big sigh
Will it ever end?
My mouth needs to mend
Relief
The dentist now complete
Amazed at their feat
Plans to finish are made
My insecurities start to fade.
A room, so white, so clean
Smell of medicines, reek sterile
Prim, serene
Two assistants dressed in whites
Both beside me walk
Last meal, last rites?
Long hall, onward down
My frantic patience
Wearing thin
Soon, arriving at the chair
Will they dare to strap me in?
Unexpected, big smiles, greets
Soothes the mood, fears subside
Then I hear it…
A tiny motor whines
My spine…
Up sends a chill
Then Doctor turns
Clutching drill
Gases, drugs, Novocain
In my frustration, comes too late
Body stiffens with a scream
Darkness ushered in, then I faint
(This is a fictional poem)
When I went to the dentist, I was not thrilled.
It scared me to death when he used his drill.
He went in my mouth and started drilling.
He forgot to use novocain so you can imagine the pain I was feeling.
I asked him to stop but he said no.
I pushed him with my foot and he went out the window.
He didn't hit the ground, he landed in some trash.
Maybe what I did was a little rash.
After getting out of the dumpster, he came back to his office and yelled.
His employees ran out because he smelled.
He popped me in my mouth with his fist.
He told me to get myself another dentist.
When I went to a new dentist, I got in a real mess.
As I came to, he was getting dressed.
The same thing happened to me that happened to Seinfeld.
You should've heard how much I cussed and yelled.
I took the dentist to court and I learned that he did the same thing to the judge
and to my attorney too.
The three of us took him outside and beat him black and blue.
It sure was fun to get revenge.
After that, he never practiced dentistry again.
Knives and guns,
Are loads of fun,
Not as fun as jail,
Something you can’t get out on bail,
Give me Novocain,
Before I go insane.
Knives and guns,
Are loads of fun,
But have a stain,
That never go away,
Blood and pain, is the name,
Name of the game,
A game that comes,
To a sudden stop,
A stop that’s never a prop.
To talk that interesting on the bean lingo
Once a time the crime was mine
Loving my logo
I talked that swirl I gave that girl a no show
Playing with the beat of the lovers dojo
Believing no doe would bake a human worth keeping
I’m leaving memories obscenities just run
but best times In life will come
But we took the sex and broke their heart
left none
But stories to tell the guys
Or maybe that's just me who obtained
Some of those girls spitted the game
Mutual use loose Novocain
numbing brain while we both came
and left
If two negatives product a positive,
how can we be wrong
A love song is like a dream song
don’t you think
I'm pimpin the pink dope rockin the mink
Can you just picture I fall and I sink
In a future so haze one mother and babies
and curl
Maybe.. I'll touch a baskin robins girl
who’s flavors will complete me
One scoop, two scoops a life maybe...