Bright orange lobsters pointed their claws at their brother
When someone asked who had cut the cheese
The audience began to have a bit of a laugh with their mother
For they were outing each other, with a bit of ease
Who cut the cheese? Asked the magistrate again.
They pointed at each other; the sorry chaps
They probably both did it, said their truthful cousin Win
He had spent some time in their house during naps
Bright orange lobsters pointed their claws at their brother
When someone asked who had cut the cheese
The audience began to have a bit of a laugh with their mother
For they were outing each other, with a bit of ease
Who cut the cheese? Asked the magistrate again.
They pointed at each other; the sorry chaps
They probably both did it, said their truthful cousin Win
He had spent some time in their house during naps
On my honor I will do my best
To be real quiet, and not a pest
I’ll smear some butter on a crispy roll
And let you dip it in my soup bowl.
I won’t dress up seeking flattery
Unless I win the freakin’ lottery
Then I’ll spread the cash tween kith and kin
In the hope they won’t “remember when”.
But then again, on a positive note
I might just take the money and buy a boat
Pack my bags and head out to sea
With a captain and first mate who’ll both be me.
However, if I do not win
I’ll cut the cheese razor thin
Season it with butter and thyme
Wash it down with the same old whine.
Set the clock for five AM
Struggle through my morning swim
And knowing that my chance is thin
Play the same number again.
John G. Lawless
©12/13/2022
Oh Jeeze!
He wants a poem about cheese,
This guy is hard to please,
I hope he likes what he sees.
I don't know about you,
But many people like Bleu,
Wait! Take a step back,
You say it's got to be Pepper Jack.
Some say there is nothing better,
Than good ole Cheddar,
People will even bet ya,
It's got to be Feta,
There is no limit what a good cook can do,
From a rib sticking macaroni to a delish Fondue,
Or a cheesy dog covered with chili,
To a fabulous cheese steak from Philly!
I even knew a fella,
Who ate nothing but Mozzarella,
So I say eat whatever kind you please,
And try not to cut the cheese!
Write a Poem About Cheese Poetry Contest
Sponsored by:
Barry Stebbings
11/15/18
She was such a prim and proper wife.
When asked to cut the cheese, she'd ask her spouse to, please
because she did not like to use a knife.
But sometimes she would sneeze.
She could not help it then; she'd cut the cheese!
At such time, we'd be holding our noses.
It's for sure we were not smelling roses,
and we all would cry out, "Geez, Louise!"
Nov. 13, 2018 for Barry Stebbings' Write A Poem About Cheese Poetry Contest
With a GRUNT she said, "I grill meals,"
"Won't you PASS THE GAS lighter please?"
He said, "LET IT RIP!", to seal the deal
Impressed with how she CUT THE CHEESE
SILENT BUT DEADLY, were her cats
Outside, she LET ONE GO at a time
The little STINKERS were blind as bats
But would BREAK WINDows, what a crime!
From the grill a BROWN CLOUD rose up
She said, "UNCORK ONE bottle of wine!"
"Be careful, don't STEP ON A DUCK,"
"LET ONE FLY, and we'll have a good time!"
it was starting to rain on the night that we first decided
the chance to roll the dice
my birthday cake was ready
so was the famous spaghetti
when all of a sudden someone let out a fart
an embarrassing moment in time
we all looked around yet no one admitted it
once again intoxicated by the fumes
couldn't they have waited and do it in the bathroom
squeeze your cheeks in
a good place to begin
but instead they cut wind
I couldn't even hold my breath to count to the number ten
thoughtfully we all sang happy birthday to me
amidst the tragic event that somebody cut the cheese
I just couldn't help myself it knocked me to my knees
my uncle opened a window
even the birds themselves flew away
what a pause to relieve
on such a calm & peaceful day
© 2 minutes ago, chevyvent humor • spiritual • society • friendship
Mama always said,
before you cut the cheese,
open the windows first, would you please
Or step outside into a stiff breeze
Flatulently speaking,
cutting the cheese is an art form
If done correctly, and the timing's right ---
it will give the haters olfactory fright,
and send them scurrying in flight
They will turn up their noses in disgust,
when they can't open the windows
or get off the bus
And as the foul fart fumigates the air,
they'll be coughing and gagging everywhere
But, see if you care,
as you laugh at their noxious despair
Cutting the cheese, served with grapes of wrath,
always opens up any blocked path
Cutting the cheese,
and cold revenge chilled fine,
goes rather well with any whine
When nature calls away from home
you need to find a public throne
a place that's clean to spread your cheeks
one that flushes without plumbing leaks
not at an outhouse or a remote latrine
they're so disgusting and very obscene
Time to hurry you're poking cotton
skid mark stains are never forgotten
parking your car at the local K-mart
releasing pressure, cheek sneak a fart
concern turns to fear of what you dread
passing gas has formed a turtle head
As your back side slaps the toilet seat
you realize this job will end incomplete
burning eyes from the methane vapor
on the roll not one square of paper
so every time you cut the cheese
don't forget to clinch and squeeze
Cutting Cheese
There once was a bureaucrat
Whose body made sounds where he sat
It would be underhanded
Were he reprimanded
Without a complete list of stats
So his supervisor kept up a log
Of each time he let out a fog
It’s not really my fault
He said I can’t halt
I’ve a medical skewed apologue
But with 60 blasts all written down
In 17 days, the guy found
The charges would stick
He must do something quick
To end his rear end making sound
The Social Security Administration
Has certainly added to my consternation
They recorded each stink
Which just makes me think
They have set the low bar for this nation
So I beg you please
If you must cut the cheese
Don’t cut the cheese while at work
For the unions have rules
Gave your bosses the tools
To publically call out your quirk
Another true story I learned about on the web
A short dissertation on a natural phenomenon
That takes place many times every day
Sometimes at the most inopportune moments
Like in a theatre at a Shakespearian play
If the emission has a really pungent odour
Folks will certainly notice the foul breeze
However, the criteria is it must be silent
As you inadvertently cut the cheese
An essence of chutney is actually not bad
If accompanied by a hint of geraniums
But these highfaluting people must be warned
It can sometimes damage their craniums
So that's all I will say about this taboo subject
Hope you enjoyed it as I did from the start
Please don't call it a vulgar flatulence
Just call it by its happy name... fart!
When asked why I can’t find my keys,
I snicker, and then I say please…..
I have a clapper
and I’m very dapper,
just don’t ask me to please cut the cheese!
It was time for our annual cookout
That's when my wife asked me please
"If you get the time and you don't mind,
Could I ask you to please cut the cheese?"
I have to admit I was puzzled
I couldn't imagine what she means
So that's when I went to the kitchen
And opened me up some beans
By the time I was finished
The people started to amass
My wife said, "It's time to get started,
Would you please pass the gas?"
So off I went to get some more beans
By now I was getting pretty full
Trying to figure out who would be first
To offer my finger to pull
By the time I got back it had started
But it ended in minutes to my shame
I burned down half of the city
I was standing too close to the flame
Let me tell you a story
About man's best friend, the dog
It's wrapped in a world of mystery
And maybe a gas-like fog
You see I'm a dog person
But my wife prefers a cat
That's how this whole thing started
Well maybe something like that
She said my dog was nasty
And he needs to sleep outside
He jumps in the car with muddy paws
Whenever we go for a ride
Then I saw the funniest thing
I've ever seen in my life
For my old dog had cut the cheese
And blamed it on my wife
Women will never get it
A dog is man's best friend
If he could cook and clean the house
Then marriage would come to an end
To all you married men out there
Who hate your mother-in-law
Let me ease your pain a bit
For mine's the worst of all
She picks her nose in public
And her finger carries the prize
Sometimes, she forgets it's there
And rubs it in her eyes
And did I mention flatulence
She can really cut the cheese
And if the wind is blowing
It'll bring you to your knees
She's got some kind of sinus problem
That causes her to snore
You don't think that's strange at all
But the woman lives next door
It even rattles the windows
And sets off the alarms
She sometimes scares the animals
On one of the nearby farms
Did I tell you that she has a beard
That's really got me thinkin'
I've never noticed until right now
But she looks like Abraham Linclon
We took out all her mirrors
So she thinks she really looks good
But she sends all the children screaming
When she walks thru the neighborhood
Now, I'm not saying yours ain't bad
I'm not saying that, at all,
But, I'm just hoping one of you
Will trade me your mother-in-law
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