Best Cut The Cheese Poems | Poetry

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Who Cut The Cheese by Stella, Katherine

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The Best Cut The Cheese Poems

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Everyone Poops

When nature calls away from home you need to find a public throne a place that's clean to spread your cheeks one that flushes without plumbing leaks not at an outhouse or a remote latrine they're so disgusting and very obscene Time to hurry you're poking cotton skid mark stains are never forgotten parking your car at the local K-mart releasing pressure, cheek sneak a fart concern turns to fear of what you dread passing gas has formed a turtle head As your back side slaps the toilet seat you realize this job will end incomplete burning eyes from the methane vapor on the roll not one square of paper so every time you cut the cheese don't forget to clinch and squeeze


Copyright © Warner Baxter | Year Posted 2015


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Who Cut The Cheese

feline for hire
mouse at it again
cutting the cheese


Copyright © Katherine Stella | Year Posted 2008


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Cutting the Cheese


Mama always said,
before you cut the cheese,
open the windows first, would you please
Or step outside into a stiff breeze
Flatulently speaking,
cutting the cheese is an art form
If done correctly, and the timing's right ---
it will give the haters olfactory fright,
and send them scurrying in flight
They will turn up their noses in disgust,
when they can't open the windows
or get off the bus
And as the foul fart fumigates the air,
they'll be coughing and gagging everywhere
But, see if you care,
as you laugh at their noxious despair
Cutting the cheese, served with grapes of wrath,
always opens up any blocked path
Cutting the cheese,
and cold revenge chilled fine,
goes rather well with any whine


Copyright © Freddie Robinson Jr. | Year Posted 2017


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Bubble Bath

Sittin' in the bath tub,
it's just me and you;
Talkin' about the day we had,
that's what we like to do

"BLOOP! BLOOP! BLOOP!"
bubbles ripple through the air;
"Sorry honey, I cut the cheese!"
"Come back, let's be fair!"

Sittin' in the bath tub,
my spirit's lost its tone;
Guess I'll read the paper,
looks like I'm all alone!


Copyright © Milton Toran | Year Posted 2008


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Cutting Cheese

Cutting Cheese

There once was a bureaucrat
Whose body made sounds where he sat
It would be underhanded
Were he reprimanded
Without a complete list of stats

So his supervisor kept up a log
Of each time he let out a fog
It’s not really my fault
He said I can’t halt
I’ve a medical skewed apologue

But with 60 blasts all written down
In 17 days, the guy found
The charges would stick
He must do something quick
To end his rear end making sound

The Social Security Administration
Has certainly added to my consternation
They recorded each stink
Which just makes me think
They have set the low bar for this nation

So I beg you please
If you must cut the cheese
Don’t cut the cheese while at work
For the unions have rules
Gave your bosses the tools
To publically call out your quirk

Another true story I learned about on the web


Copyright © mike dailey | Year Posted 2012


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Cheese? Keys?

When asked why I can’t find my keys,
I snicker, and then I say please…..
I have a clapper
and I’m very dapper,
just don’t ask me to please cut the cheese!


Copyright © Debbie Guzzi | Year Posted 2010


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A Short Dissertation On Flatulance

A short dissertation on a natural phenomenon
That takes place many times every day
Sometimes at the most inopportune moments
Like in a theatre at a Shakespearian play

If the emission has a really pungent odour
Folks will certainly notice the foul breeze
However, the criteria is it must be silent
As you inadvertently cut the cheese

An essence of chutney is actually not bad
If accompanied by a hint of geraniums
But these highfaluting people must be warned
It can sometimes damage their craniums

So that's all I will say about this taboo subject
Hope you enjoyed it as I did from the start
Please don't call it a vulgar flatulence
Just call it by its happy name... fart!


Copyright © Jack Ellison | Year Posted 2012


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Mother-in-Law Swap

To all you married men out there 
Who hate your mother-in-law 
Let me ease your pain a bit 
For mine's the worst of all 

She picks her nose in public 
And her finger carries the prize 
Sometimes, she forgets it's there 
And rubs it in her eyes 

And did I mention flatulence 
She can really cut the cheese 
And if the wind is blowing 
It'll bring you to your knees 

She's got some kind of sinus problem 
That causes her to snore 
You don't think that's strange at all 
But the woman lives next door 

It even rattles the windows 
And sets off the alarms 
She sometimes scares the animals 
On one of the nearby farms 

Did I tell you that she has a beard 
That's really got me thinkin' 
I've never noticed until right now 
But she looks like Abraham Linclon 

We took out all her mirrors 
So she thinks she really looks good 
But she sends all the children screaming 
When she walks thru the neighborhood 

Now, I'm not saying yours ain't bad 
I'm not saying that, at all, 
But, I'm just hoping one of you 
Will trade me your mother-in-law


Copyright © Larry Belt | Year Posted 2010


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Cutting the Cheese

It was time for our annual cookout
That's when my wife asked me please
"If you get the time and you don't mind,
Could I ask you to please cut the cheese?"

I have to admit I was puzzled
I couldn't imagine what she means
So that's when I went to the kitchen
And opened me up some beans

By the time I was finished
The people started to amass
My wife said, "It's time to get started,
Would you please pass the gas?"

So off I went to get some more beans
By now I was getting pretty full
Trying to figure out who would be first
To offer my finger to pull

By the time I got back it had started
But it ended in minutes to my shame
I burned down half of the city
I was standing too close to the flame





Copyright © Larry Belt | Year Posted 2010


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Who Farted



it was starting to rain on the night that we first decided
 the chance to roll the dice
 my birthday cake was ready
 so was the famous spaghetti

 when all of a sudden someone let out a fart
 an embarrassing moment in time
 we all looked around yet no one admitted it
 once again intoxicated by the fumes

 couldn't they have waited and do it in the bathroom
 squeeze your cheeks in
 a good place to begin
 but instead they cut wind

 I couldn't even hold my breath to count to the number ten
 thoughtfully we all sang happy birthday to me
 amidst the tragic event that somebody cut the cheese
 I just couldn't help myself it knocked me to my knees

 my uncle opened a window
 even the birds themselves flew away
 what a pause to relieve
 on such a calm & peaceful day 

© 2 minutes ago, chevyvent    humor • spiritual • society • friendship


Copyright © Mario Vitale | Year Posted 2017


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FUNNY

WHO CUT THE CHEESE
I CAN SEE YOUR PANTS SHAKE
BY YOUR KNEE

WHO DID IT AND RAN
COME ON NOW THAT IS
NOT COOL MAN

WHO SMELT IT DEALT IT
CHECK THEN DRAWS 
CHECK THEM DRAWS
BECAUSE OH MY GOD I FELT IT

WHO LET LOOSE THE GOOSE
WAS THAT A SKY ROCKET
IT SOUND TIGHT 
BUT A POP LET LOOSE

IS THAT A HOT TUB
WHERE IS ALL THE BUBBLES 
COMING FROM
IS SOMEONE IN THE WATER 
CHEWING GUM

IS THAT GREEN SMOKE IN THE AIR
WOW CHECK OUT THE LINGER
JUST TELL ME THE TRUTH
WHO PULLED YOUR FINGER


FOR OLUSEGUN ADELANA LAUGH YOUR HEAD OFF CONTEST


Copyright © faleshia murphy | Year Posted 2010


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Man's Best Friend

Let me tell you a story
About man's best friend, the dog
It's wrapped in a world of mystery
And maybe a gas-like fog

You see I'm a dog person
But my wife prefers a cat
That's how this whole thing started
Well maybe something like that

She said my dog was nasty
And he needs to sleep outside
He jumps in the car with muddy paws
Whenever we go for a ride

Then I saw the funniest thing
I've ever seen in my life
For my old dog had cut the cheese
And blamed it on my wife

Women will never get it
A dog is man's best friend
If he could cook and clean the house
Then marriage would come to an end


Copyright © Larry Belt | Year Posted 2010


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Around The Old Grill

With a GRUNT she said, "I grill meals,"
"Won't you PASS THE GAS lighter please?"
He said, "LET IT RIP!", to seal the deal
Impressed with how she CUT THE CHEESE

SILENT BUT DEADLY, were her cats
Outside, she LET ONE GO at a time
The little STINKERS were blind as bats
But would BREAK WINDows, what a crime!

From the grill a BROWN CLOUD rose up
She said, "UNCORK ONE bottle of wine!"
"Be careful, don't STEP ON A DUCK,"
"LET ONE FLY, and we'll have a good time!"




Copyright © PAT Adams | Year Posted 2018


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Got GAS--- Flatulence

Got GAS--- Flatulence


Got me sum delicate tummy
Ate too MUCH late at night
After eight-thirty  for Pete’s sake----
Guess I should not have ate
That cabbage and raw egg cinnamon-shake
NOW MY STOMACH ACHCES
 Like the horn of auto blows
Like the waves of the sea shores
Like the rumbles and turbulence of a volcano
There she blows
 You better hold your breath
Pop-pop-toot-pisstpot pop
What’s that smell, cuse me
Flatulence
Cauliflower, broccoli, onions, corn soup stew
Ate that the other night
Boy!! Did my tummy spew?
Roll, boil N bubble
Held my hand on my stomach
Think I’m in trouble 
Soon as I tried to run 
A rush of mighty wind
A stench from behind
NOW MY STOMACH ACHCES
 Like the horn of auto blows
Like the waves of the sea shores
Like the rumbles and turbulence of a volcano
There she blows
 You better hold your breath
Pop-pop-toot-pists pot pop
What’s that smell, cuse me
Flatulence
Now some people are lactose intolerant
Not I I can still drink milk
But give me peaches and pears fluffy wheat and cheese
OH! OH! OUCH I think even I will have to separate from my body and leave the room
These which are some of the foods that cause me bloating and gas
EXCUSE ME  Please
Why you holding your breath?
Everyone loves beans pinto, navy, chilli
Alfalfa, Azuki , Black-Eyed Peas
Beans, Snap, Black Beans (Black Turtle)
	Broad Beans, Yin Yang Beans
	Cannellini Copper Beans, Edamame 
	Garbanzo Beans, Jicama, Green Beans
	Lima,Lentils, Kidney 
	yeah, yeah Mung, 
        all these gives me a tug
	Navy Beans
        Northern Beans
	Pinto Beans, Red Beans 
	Soy Beans
	Soy Beans, Black
	Soy Beans, Red eat enough of these could git a heart attack
	Speckled Cranberry Beans
	Tamarind,Wax 
	White Beans all of these  Lentils
	These beans eaten makes me wanna go get my stomach pumped
	Because of all this gas could start up a 16-wheel truck
	Beans, beans, beans, makes my  stomach and buttocks screams
NOW MY STOMACH ACHCES
 Like the horn of auto blows
Like the waves of the sea shores
Like the rumbles and turbulence of a volcano
There she blows
 You better hold your breath
Pop-pop-toot-pist pot pop
What’s that smell, cuse me
Flatulence
OH!! And if I forget I am so sorry
EXCUSE ME, just past gas
Cut the cheese
Made your nose bleed
There she blows
 You better hold your breath
Pop-pop-toot-pist pot pop
What’s that smell, cuse me
Flatulence

 7/14/18
Written words by James Edward Lee Sr.©2018


Copyright © James Edward Lee Sr. | Year Posted 2018