Best Cut The Cheese Poems
feline for hire
mouse at it again
cutting the cheese
When nature calls away from home
you need to find a public throne
a place that's clean to spread your cheeks
one that flushes without plumbing leaks
not at an outhouse or a remote latrine
they're so disgusting and very obscene
Time to hurry you're poking cotton
skid mark stains are never forgotten
parking your car at the local K-mart
releasing pressure, cheek sneak a fart
concern turns to fear of what you dread
passing gas has formed a turtle head
As your back side slaps the toilet seat
you realize this job will end incomplete
burning eyes from the methane vapor
on the roll not one square of paper
so every time you cut the cheese
don't forget to clinch and squeeze
Sittin' in the bath tub,
it's just me and you;
Talkin' about the day we had,
that's what we like to do
"BLOOP! BLOOP! BLOOP!"
bubbles ripple through the air;
"Sorry honey, I cut the cheese!"
"Come back, let's be fair!"
Sittin' in the bath tub,
my spirit's lost its tone;
Guess I'll read the paper,
looks like I'm all alone!
Mama always said,
before you cut the cheese,
open the windows first, would you please
Or step outside into a stiff breeze
Flatulently speaking,
cutting the cheese is an art form
If done correctly, and the timing's right ---
it will give the haters olfactory fright,
and send them scurrying in flight
They will turn up their noses in disgust,
when they can't open the windows
or get off the bus
And as the foul fart fumigates the air,
they'll be coughing and gagging everywhere
But, see if you care,
as you laugh at their noxious despair
Cutting the cheese, served with grapes of wrath,
always opens up any blocked path
Cutting the cheese,
and cold revenge chilled fine,
goes rather well with any whine
Cutting Cheese
There once was a bureaucrat
Whose body made sounds where he sat
It would be underhanded
Were he reprimanded
Without a complete list of stats
So his supervisor kept up a log
Of each time he let out a fog
It’s not really my fault
He said I can’t halt
I’ve a medical skewed apologue
But with 60 blasts all written down
In 17 days, the guy found
The charges would stick
He must do something quick
To end his rear end making sound
The Social Security Administration
Has certainly added to my consternation
They recorded each stink
Which just makes me think
They have set the low bar for this nation
So I beg you please
If you must cut the cheese
Don’t cut the cheese while at work
For the unions have rules
Gave your bosses the tools
To publically call out your quirk
Another true story I learned about on the web
A short dissertation on a natural phenomenon
That takes place many times every day
Sometimes at the most inopportune moments
Like in a theatre at a Shakespearian play
If the emission has a really pungent odour
Folks will certainly notice the foul breeze
However, the criteria is it must be silent
As you inadvertently cut the cheese
An essence of chutney is actually not bad
If accompanied by a hint of geraniums
But these highfaluting people must be warned
It can sometimes damage their craniums
So that's all I will say about this taboo subject
Hope you enjoyed it as I did from the start
Please don't call it a vulgar flatulence
Just call it by its happy name... fart!
To all you married men out there
Who hate your mother-in-law
Let me ease your pain a bit
For mine's the worst of all
She picks her nose in public
And her finger carries the prize
Sometimes, she forgets it's there
And rubs it in her eyes
And did I mention flatulence
She can really cut the cheese
And if the wind is blowing
It'll bring you to your knees
She's got some kind of sinus problem
That causes her to snore
You don't think that's strange at all
But the woman lives next door
It even rattles the windows
And sets off the alarms
She sometimes scares the animals
On one of the nearby farms
Did I tell you that she has a beard
That's really got me thinkin'
I've never noticed until right now
But she looks like Abraham Linclon
We took out all her mirrors
So she thinks she really looks good
But she sends all the children screaming
When she walks thru the neighborhood
Now, I'm not saying yours ain't bad
I'm not saying that, at all,
But, I'm just hoping one of you
Will trade me your mother-in-law
When asked why I can’t find my keys,
I snicker, and then I say please…..
I have a clapper
and I’m very dapper,
just don’t ask me to please cut the cheese!
Oh Jeeze!
He wants a poem about cheese,
This guy is hard to please,
I hope he likes what he sees.
I don't know about you,
But many people like Bleu,
Wait! Take a step back,
You say it's got to be Pepper Jack.
Some say there is nothing better,
Than good ole Cheddar,
People will even bet ya,
It's got to be Feta,
There is no limit what a good cook can do,
From a rib sticking macaroni to a delish Fondue,
Or a cheesy dog covered with chili,
To a fabulous cheese steak from Philly!
I even knew a fella,
Who ate nothing but Mozzarella,
So I say eat whatever kind you please,
And try not to cut the cheese!
Write a Poem About Cheese Poetry Contest
Sponsored by:
Barry Stebbings
11/15/18
Little Jack Marty
He was a smarty
Sitting in his second grade online class
He developed an urge to pass some gas
When it came out of Little Marty’s shell
It had that pumping smell
Hearing the tiger roar as it ripped out the young boy’s door
Watching his computer screen he saw Abigail studying to be a teen Queen
Crossing the street
The smell did travel tangy and sweet
It went under the door without a word
Stairs it crept
Past the room where last night Abigail slept
As the aroma approached
Little Jack Marty watched Abigail and said, “She is toast”
Taking a whiff Abigail straightened up very stiff
Her eyes bulged and face turned green with a tinge of white
Due to the smell that was airy and light
Typing away Little Jack Marty did say,
“You have been visited by the toot toot fairy”
In which she replied, “Oh you are so scary”
“Little Jack Marty did you cut the cheese?”
“I am alone in my room and I do as I please.”
He typed back about the environmental attack
Suddenly the teacher popped on the screen looking stern and mean
“What are you two doing anything to do with schooling?”
The teacher did ask with no need for a cut the cheese mask.
Looking into the camera Little Jack Marty said that he was sorry,
“Yes, I cut the cheese then disturbed the peace, I will now be quiet and will not start a panic riot, carry on with the online class while I hold my gas.”
Smiling the teacher was impressed
When Little Jack Marty confessed
About his too tee
That was a beauty
It was time for our annual cookout
That's when my wife asked me please
"If you get the time and you don't mind,
Could I ask you to please cut the cheese?"
I have to admit I was puzzled
I couldn't imagine what she means
So that's when I went to the kitchen
And opened me up some beans
By the time I was finished
The people started to amass
My wife said, "It's time to get started,
Would you please pass the gas?"
So off I went to get some more beans
By now I was getting pretty full
Trying to figure out who would be first
To offer my finger to pull
By the time I got back it had started
But it ended in minutes to my shame
I burned down half of the city
I was standing too close to the flame
it was starting to rain on the night that we first decided
the chance to roll the dice
my birthday cake was ready
so was the famous spaghetti
when all of a sudden someone let out a fart
an embarrassing moment in time
we all looked around yet no one admitted it
once again intoxicated by the fumes
couldn't they have waited and do it in the bathroom
squeeze your cheeks in
a good place to begin
but instead they cut wind
I couldn't even hold my breath to count to the number ten
thoughtfully we all sang happy birthday to me
amidst the tragic event that somebody cut the cheese
I just couldn't help myself it knocked me to my knees
my uncle opened a window
even the birds themselves flew away
what a pause to relieve
on such a calm & peaceful day
© 2 minutes ago, chevyvent humor • spiritual • society • friendship
With a GRUNT she said, "I grill meals,"
"Won't you PASS THE GAS lighter please?"
He said, "LET IT RIP!", to seal the deal
Impressed with how she CUT THE CHEESE
SILENT BUT DEADLY, were her cats
Outside, she LET ONE GO at a time
The little STINKERS were blind as bats
But would BREAK WINDows, what a crime!
From the grill a BROWN CLOUD rose up
She said, "UNCORK ONE bottle of wine!"
"Be careful, don't STEP ON A DUCK,"
"LET ONE FLY, and we'll have a good time!"
WHO CUT THE CHEESE
I CAN SEE YOUR PANTS SHAKE
BY YOUR KNEE
WHO DID IT AND RAN
COME ON NOW THAT IS
NOT COOL MAN
WHO SMELT IT DEALT IT
CHECK THEN DRAWS
CHECK THEM DRAWS
BECAUSE OH MY GOD I FELT IT
WHO LET LOOSE THE GOOSE
WAS THAT A SKY ROCKET
IT SOUND TIGHT
BUT A POP LET LOOSE
IS THAT A HOT TUB
WHERE IS ALL THE BUBBLES
COMING FROM
IS SOMEONE IN THE WATER
CHEWING GUM
IS THAT GREEN SMOKE IN THE AIR
WOW CHECK OUT THE LINGER
JUST TELL ME THE TRUTH
WHO PULLED YOUR FINGER
FOR OLUSEGUN ADELANA LAUGH YOUR HEAD OFF CONTEST
What are they doing? I cautiously asked.
The magnificent mighty-mighty-cheesiest-cheese dance, she whispered, and do not get too close.
Frenzied children were throwing each other on the ground, dragging friends around, making trails.
Throwing cheese at their parents, who were laughing, nervously, in an unrelaxed way.
Their grandparents were at the picnic tables too, discussing whose offspring’s offspring was the cutest,
The smartest, the most cordial, the happiest, the best.
A flying cheese sandwich went winging past Grandpa Joe’s nose. He put his hand up and caught it with a baseball mitt that was covered with cheese.
“You aren’t eating that!” Grandma said, sternly, but then he cut the cheese
And pointed at grandma, and everyone started laughing so hard,
They forgot to watch the children, who were now covering their slightly annoyed pets with cheese puffs, cheese sprinkles, and cheese sauce.
“Not in his eyes!” one of the parents yelled.
Someone else cut the cheese, and it all began again. They announced there was a tie for cheese queen,
So two of the grandmas began to wrestle on top of a hunk of a cheeseburger for the title, which was difficult as there was so much slippery, sliding cheese sauce on the ground.
The cheese queen contest was a tie when they both ended up gloriously covered, and still came up
Laughing. Another successful Mighty-Mighty-Cheesiest-Cheese Festival in Cheese-ville!
Unfortunately, they were so cheesy, the cats got them one by one as they left the mouse hole.
The good news is, their pet ants, cautiously slunk away in the spatter of cheese, unscathed.