sewing something Sally is on the trail of a pin
she saw it yesterday, and can match it with its twin
slides her tape measure out of the way
and yells hip hip hip hip hip hooray
is this how I’ll act if I take up sewing? I wonder.
Sewing something Sally is always full of blunder.
She speaks of pin cushions, zippers, buttons and such.
I am not sure I would like this hobby very much.
Garage door opener
Ice cream carton
Pencil, erasers, pencil sharpener
Magazines
Tv remote
Gummie pills
Magic markers
Towel
Black sock
Gray sandal
Sketch pad
Twinkie wrapper
Snickers bar
Kleenexes
Washrag
Comb
Tape measure
Scissors
Toenail clippers
Green hoodie
Small table inside my front door
Tape Measure
The very deep breathing of
the tape measure continues to
affect my
USB holders cha-cha rehearsals.
Shes just a girl!
She holds her childhood close, says the stuffed bear waiting for her on her pillow
She wants to be a good student, says her desk piled with completed assignments
She loves bright colors, says the clothes in her closet
She loves rewarding herself with a sweet treat, says the sonic cups littering her room
She doesn't have much time for herself, says the piles of laundry on every surface
She covers herself up, says the makeup spilling out of the bag on her vanity
She hates her body, says the tape measure resting by her mirror
Shes struggling with living, says the mascara on her pillow case
But no one knows, says the smiles in the pictures on her walls
She is me, and I am her
but I am ok, I'm just a girl
My cousin-in-law’s grandma was at a party. She says, “Me and my husband had sex almost every day.” I think some of us fell out of our chairs. So she goes on, “Almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday…”
I was standing between my husband and uncle at Ted’s Hot Dogs.
So it was said, as we are ordering, “How long is a foot long?”
Laughter turned the frankfurter red. Later, after dinner, Uncle Len
wields a tape measure…zwww…measures twelve inches.
My cousin tells us about his first date with his now wife of many years. He was having tummy issues, decides to pull into his brother’s driveway, and makes for the bathroom. Just lets himself in!
Sitting on the shameless throne, going and groaning and pooing.
He hears a voice, “Uncle …!” from the kid in the bath.
Baring it all as the poet shares the naked truth. Singing the song,
as her husband yells for Ethel to put her clothes on…on a streak.
My friend Sharon is the same as me as
we have decided to let it all hang free.
No more corsets or underwire
because we feel we are still on fire.
Without recourse to peer pressure
or need to take out a tape measure.
We’ve done our bit for procreation.
Now it’s all procrastination where
slimming and exercise are concerned.
A leisurely stroll is best we’ve learned.
We’re comfortable in our slack skin.
So Sharon is my “win/win” twin.
It’d been a long day at work
So he sat in the sun
Enjoying the beer he’d earned
The day finally done
Closing his eyes he relaxed
When a persistent peep
Interrupted his dreaming
And he started from sleep
A brown and grey sparrow
Was in a tree nearby
Twittering and fluttering
Darting round in the sky
He magnanimously
Heard the internal call
To build a home for his friend
It would take no time at all
He had wood he could use
Although it had a twist
And it was rotting too
So he added to a list
Along with a tape measure
And extra nails, in case
Also, the saw was rusty
Another thing to replace
An expensive trip later
He had all he required
In fact, he had more -
His card almost expired
Building the box began
He slaved under the sun
Then slapped on some paint
And at last it was done
The bird glanced at the box
And immediately sussed
It was substandard housing
It flew off in disgust
So he was left with the bird box
All wonky and empty
It had cost him $350 -
Bunnings had them for $20
That day, I was on my scale, thought I was fat?
Till I realized, i was holding two, five pound cats!
Scales are deadly, for women, it is proven true.
Use a tape measure instead, to be gorgeous you.
Mens’ weight, seems to move as easily as a cloud.
While ours seems immovable, like an iron clad shroud.
My despicable scale was put away in a deep, dark closet.
I measured my body parts, got thin, so do try it?
Went from a size sixteen to a size seven?
Was so grateful and thought I really was in heaven!
It’s been thirty seven years of pure bliss.
I think my tape measure deserves a honorable kiss.
Your fork, must alas, be given a long rest.
Leaving the table, and exercise, is a character test!
2/7/2023
Santa’s workshop was full of singers of every kind of voice.
The loudest one that sounded like gravel was my cousin Joyce.
She was wrapping and humming, and they all sang along.
We are in the best holiday mood! Said the happy elf throng.
They are off key a listening robin said as he stopped to peek.
We don’t care, it is unity, peace, love and harmony we seek!
The robin left, and a heavenly messenger, a red cardinal flew in
Let’s take it from the top, he said. Your voices are all a win!
They examined me with tape measures in their eyes as I entered
superimposing famous female faces over my own in their minds
like pictures printed on clear plastic sheets
placing one atop another onto an overhead projector
my teachers used years ago in the classroom
contemplating the magic of makeup
the limits of lighting
I could see in their stares what I’d learned to recognize
though the expression on their faces
remained stoic as if carved from cool, smooth marble
True talent was to them a secondary consideration
It wouldn’t matter in the least how well I delivered the lines
interpreted the character or set the scene
Audiences are apathetic to a poor performance
if the actress is sweet enough eye candy
I was more on the savory side like sage
used to spice up the flavor of roast turkey and dressing
I gave it my all anyway as I always did
though I already knew the outcome would be the same
They’d forget my name and number the moment
I passed through the door behind me back out on the street
my phone playing the part of a medieval monk in a monastery
who had hidden himself away from the world
taking a vow of silence
I’m sorry I’ve no homework,
But it’s really not my fault,
I tried hard all last week to do it,
But got such a jolt!
Sat down to do my homework,
It was history that day,
The theme was myths and legends,
From that theme I couldn’t stray,
A Phoenix came and asked me,
If my work was good to go,
And when I said it’s incomplete,
Said blame it on dodo.
Then next day was biology,
Got help from talking horse,
He helped me with my homework,
Wanted no credit, of course.
He took my pencil in his hoof,
His writing’s not the best,
Perhaps that is the reason,
That I scored low in the test.
And next was mathematics,
Old Pythagorus sat down,
He said I couldn’t do my work,
Must take him in to town.
He asked for guidance round the streets,
With tape measure and spares,
I wondered why the tour we went,
Did visit all the squares!
So sorry that I can’t submit,
The work that you have set,
Mine aren’t some lame excuses,
That the others use, I bet.
I can’t hand in my homework,
I was just about to do,
But then a flaming pterodactyl,
Ate my homework too!
26 January 2021
They say that the average US member is 160mm long,
don't rush for the tape measure - it might be wrong;
I'm not sure if that applies to the innuit as well,
just because they're a bit short, you never can tell.
Stayed with some friends - they said that it was customary
to sleep with the wife, like a drink, rather complimentary,
I had visions of peeling off seal skins, probably four,
but found out, what looked like less was deffinitely more.
Here comes the joke: What's the difference between
an eskimo and a eunuch? Who invented these things?
One is a frigid midget with a rigid digit and
the other is a massive vassal with a passive tassel.
Footnote: My host asked me how the night was?
I said: 'Er, very nice thank you.' Deffinitely longer here.
Distant babble, a shout, an egg beater,
What does the clock say?
More noise, a dream dancing just beyond memory’s reach,
Where are my glasses?
6:45, no, 8:54
I found them on the sill.
Down one, then two floors,
The babble becomes intelligible.
Mom’s answering emails
Bob plays Toy Crush
I see Zac reading
Despite the lack of hush
Lydea and Becca make us pancakes,
No, it’s muffins that they make.
What kind is still in question
Because the batter isn’t done.
Violet yells at random people,
But she is only four.
She throws a yellow tape measure,
It skitters across the floor.
Haylee’s still asleep
How, I do not know.
But in her sleep she misses
What is going on below.
Dad is at the temple
Diligently serving God
He wants his family all to know
That his devotion is still strong.
Saturdays and family
Are pretty much the best.
Except for when my mom says
“Now clean up your huge mess.”
Still I wouldn’t trade them for the world
Though into it I’m being hurled
And when I think of imminent leaving
My heart in two is slowly cleaving
But it’s time to go
So they should know,
I’ll keep them close to me.
To find my hidden treasure
No need for a tape measure
“X” does not mark the right spot
Treasure hunters get one shot
Unravel my hidden code,
and watch my treasure unfold
The key is words you utter
Express, exclude the clutter
Experience grown riches
A broken heart now bridges
Unlock yourself at my dare,
at our reward we now stare
Open my chest, find my beat
Drum with me a love so sweet
"Too young!" were the words that everyone said,
while working so hard to get a degree.
First time on our own, and fresh newlyweds,
seeking employment, yet happy were we!
In a strange new town, now, a brand new wife,
I pinched our pennies, the dollars much more!
Hitting the sidewalk, this busy new life
would land me a job, at Rolf's Clothing Store!
Old geezers, would ask me "Would you help me, dear?"
Keeping composure, ..(must not crack a grin!)
"A suit, ...some undies: What size should I wear??"
My tape-measure panics,..(where to begin?!!)
Measuring inseams from crotch to the hem!
Is not a task, I'll be wanting again !!!!
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11/12//14 For Sara's Contest: JOBS
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