Long Tape measure Poems
Long Tape measure Poems. Below are the most popular long Tape measure by PoetrySoup Members. You can search for long Tape measure poems by poem length and keyword.
My cousin-in-law’s grandma was at a party. She says, “Me and my husband had sex almost every day.” I think some of us fell out of our chairs. So she goes on, “Almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday…”
I was standing between my husband and uncle at Ted’s Hot Dogs.
So it was said, as we are ordering, “How long is a foot long?”
Laughter turned the frankfurter red. Later, after dinner, Uncle Len
wields a tape measure…zwww…measures twelve inches.
My cousin tells us about his first date with his now wife of many years. He was having tummy issues, decides to pull into his brother’s driveway, and makes for the bathroom. Just lets himself in!
Sitting on the shameless throne, going and groaning and pooing.
He hears a voice, “Uncle …!” from the kid in the bath.
Baring it all as the poet shares the naked truth. Singing the song,
as her husband yells for Ethel to put her clothes on…on a streak.
They say that the average US member is 160mm long,
don't rush for the tape measure - it might be wrong;
I'm not sure if that applies to the innuit as well,
just because they're a bit short, you never can tell.
Stayed with some friends - they said that it was customary
to sleep with the wife, like a drink, rather complimentary,
I had visions of peeling off seal skins, probably four,
but found out, what looked like less was deffinitely more.
Here comes the joke: What's the difference between
an eskimo and a eunuch? Who invented these things?
One is a frigid midget with a rigid digit and
the other is a massive vassal with a passive tassel.
Footnote: My host asked me how the night was?
I said: 'Er, very nice thank you.' Deffinitely longer here.
As years have passed and I’ve amassed
More tools than I know I need,
I have to stress that I’m impressed with
The roles and goals they fulfill.
I love the hours with power tools
And hand-held ones are grand!
Each one is fun but some essential
Some so technical; all respectable.
But what I’ve learned as time has turned
Some tools matter more than others.
It takes a chisel to carve a whistle
And drills fill things with holes.
It takes a hammer to drive a matter
And a tape measure is a treasure.
I like to draw all kinds of saws
And cut up boards and cupboards.
Screwdrivers are my “McGyvers”
To loosen and tighten, lower or heighten
This one is fun for all ages!
Count on seeing a lot, in every toolbox.
I have dozens of wrenches, strewn over benches
And clamps and vises for when I can’t clench it,
I find the right tool and the job becomes cool
And I look like a pro, cuz my tools say so!
I have found it foundational, absolutely essential
To revel in the power of the level!
If the base is not true, your work off the “bubble”
Everything else from there is in trouble.
Good carpenters care what is true and square
And lay good foundations to build upon there.
Don’t be deceived, your projects reveal it;
Time always tells if your work’s “on the level.”
I've never went sky diving
I guess i dunknowhowtodoit and that's what's held me back!
I've always wanted to bunge jump,
but never have cause i dunknowhowtodoit
It amazes me that i can't roller skate
just falling and spraining my ankle cause i dunknowhowtodoit
I really can't read a tape measure
I laughed and joked and always asked someone else
cause i dunknowhowtodoit
I've fallen off a bike and tried riding on the back of a Harley,
but sometimes i feel like i dunknowhowtodoit
I've come a long way in life
I guess if i know how to do something then i won't have to say
I DUN--KNOW--HOW--TO--DO--IT
That day, I was on my scale, thought I was fat?
Till I realized, i was holding two, five pound cats!
Scales are deadly, for women, it is proven true.
Use a tape measure instead, to be gorgeous you.
Mens’ weight, seems to move as easily as a cloud.
While ours seems immovable, like an iron clad shroud.
My despicable scale was put away in a deep, dark closet.
I measured my body parts, got thin, so do try it?
Went from a size sixteen to a size seven?
Was so grateful and thought I really was in heaven!
It’s been thirty seven years of pure bliss.
I think my tape measure deserves a honorable kiss.
Your fork, must alas, be given a long rest.
Leaving the table, and exercise, is a character test!
2/7/2023
ENTHUSIASTIC AMATEUR
I am lying here trapped and need some assistance,
And all because of my husband’s persistence.
“You don’t have to buy any bookshelves,” he said.
“I’ll purchase some timber and build them instead.”
I had some misgivings but he was so keen
That I thought to refuse him would seem rather mean.
He took his tape measure and measured the wall
And said it would take him no time at all
He fitted the roof rack onto the car
And drove to the woodyard, which wasn’t too far.
When he returned he had planks bright and new
And a big box containing wood screws and glue.
I helped him unload it and brought it in doors,
Then he went to the garage for hammers and saws.
An electric drill and connecting cable
And he spread them all out on the dining room table
I heard sawing and drilling and snatches of song
Interspersed with some curses, four letters long.
I wasn’t convinced that he knew how to do it,
But I made myself scarce and just left him to it
Seven hours later he emerged with a grin
And, taking my hand, he invited me in.
I looked in amazement at what he had built.
All perfectly level, no sign of a tilt.
I started to stack my books, one-by-one,
Still hardly believing how well he had done.
After book twenty-four, came an ominous sound
And I suddenly found myself pinned to the floor
Although the bookshelves were seven feet tall,
He’d forgotten to screw the things back to the wall.
So I’m lying here trapped and in need of assistance.
And all because of my husband’s persistence
18th June 2020
Write a poem about Enthusiasm contest
Sponsor - Caren Krutsinger
They examined me with tape measures in their eyes as I entered
superimposing famous female faces over my own in their minds
like pictures printed on clear plastic sheets
placing one atop another onto an overhead projector
my teachers used years ago in the classroom
contemplating the magic of makeup
the limits of lighting
I could see in their stares what I’d learned to recognize
though the expression on their faces
remained stoic as if carved from cool, smooth marble
True talent was to them a secondary consideration
It wouldn’t matter in the least how well I delivered the lines
interpreted the character or set the scene
Audiences are apathetic to a poor performance
if the actress is sweet enough eye candy
I was more on the savory side like sage
used to spice up the flavor of roast turkey and dressing
I gave it my all anyway as I always did
though I already knew the outcome would be the same
They’d forget my name and number the moment
I passed through the door behind me back out on the street
my phone playing the part of a medieval monk in a monastery
who had hidden himself away from the world
taking a vow of silence
A Scot had once been quite handsomely built
Now with corona did not fit his kilt
Ate all he could find
With more on his mind
Became rotund and his manhood did wilt
Isolation made the fridge his best mate
Yet now he wanted an illicit date
Could not find his willy
Rubbed on some chilly
No growth so he needed to loose some weight
But cakes and pastry were hard to resist
When he tried his knickers got in a twist
Spermatic retention
Or penile extension
For not to miss out on an overdue tryst
The doctor himself was a well endowed man
‘I must help this limp fellow if I can’
Grafted a bone-r
For the new owner
To cool it implanted a vacuum fan
Balls on fire complete with bagpipe and trumpet
He seeks out his most delicate strumpet
But before he can dip it in with pleasure
She takes from her bra a hooker’s tape measure
‘Size does measure but this I won’t lump it’
The surgeon was not a continental medic
Had stuck to feet and inches for the prosthetic
A small mis-understanding
Results fully pending
Outcome detachment on a scale rather epic
The patient was of course not very amused
And not just his Ego was blatantly bruised
A centaur with no application
‘Now I need an ablation’
But the healer threw a wobbly and refused
If I incise once more I have to cut at the root
Give you a mammoplasty you’d look rather cute
Without bothersome ********
No impotency detection
This is a soft solution you cannot refute
At least now flaccidity will focus your hunger
Voluptuous and curvy you’ll look like a stunner
Indulge in cream tart
And if you fart
There’s no one around to make a scared runner
29th April 2020
"Too young!" were the words that everyone said,
while working so hard to get a degree.
First time on our own, and fresh newlyweds,
seeking employment, yet happy were we!
In a strange new town, now, a brand new wife,
I pinched our pennies, the dollars much more!
Hitting the sidewalk, this busy new life
would land me a job, at Rolf's Clothing Store!
Old geezers, would ask me "Would you help me, dear?"
Keeping composure, ..(must not crack a grin!)
"A suit, ...some undies: What size should I wear??"
My tape-measure panics,..(where to begin?!!)
Measuring inseams from crotch to the hem!
Is not a task, I'll be wanting again !!!!
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11/12//14 For Sara's Contest: JOBS