Best Tape Measure Poems
tape measure in hand
soft spoken,"Can't believe it"....
dust upon treadmill
Inspired by the contest about addictions
not an entry....
Since my back problems and then the surgery,
I haven't been on the treadmill..I got on it
this morning and there was an inch of dust..
I have spent a lot of time on the computer
reading, writing, searching out questions, etc.
It becomes addictive..
To find my hidden treasure
No need for a tape measure
“X” does not mark the right spot
Treasure hunters get one shot
Unravel my hidden code,
and watch my treasure unfold
The key is words you utter
Express, exclude the clutter
Experience grown riches
A broken heart now bridges
Unlock yourself at my dare,
at our reward we now stare
Open my chest, find my beat
Drum with me a love so sweet
"Too young!" were the words that everyone said,
while working so hard to get a degree.
First time on our own, and fresh newlyweds,
seeking employment, yet happy were we!
In a strange new town, now, a brand new wife,
I pinched our pennies, the dollars much more!
Hitting the sidewalk, this busy new life
would land me a job, at Rolf's Clothing Store!
Old geezers, would ask me "Would you help me, dear?"
Keeping composure, ..(must not crack a grin!)
"A suit, ...some undies: What size should I wear??"
My tape-measure panics,..(where to begin?!!)
Measuring inseams from crotch to the hem!
Is not a task, I'll be wanting again !!!!
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11/12//14 For Sara's Contest: JOBS
The meat on your bones
Can be adjusted to create
Just how you want to
Develop your own shape
First of all moisturize
Every part of your skin
Before getting it wet or in the sun
Especially if stretching or tightening
You don’t want your skin
To have a dried out look
Like a piece of meat
With no oil while it cooks
Use indoor lotions or outdoor oils
And get completely moisturized
Be sure the skin parts showing
Are massaged while being applied
For any part you want to shape
You must always touch
Even your hair is skin
Be sure to treat it as such
Keeping your chin up
Means more than confidence
It helps your face maintain
It’s true born essence
A mirror should be used
To look at your reflection
As you work out to reshape
Any part of imperfection
The basic shaping routine
Should be at a vigorous pace
While you keep a close look
To watch the shape take place
The Flo-Fitness program
Is really fun to begin
Most all of the exercises
Are only up to a count of ten
No need for sweating
With the exercises you do
We already sweat enough
For the toxins to expel through
Instead of a scale
To take your weight
Just use a tape measure
To watch the inches dissipate
It won’t take long
Before you start to feel great
And become the real you
As you develop your own shape
Florence McMillian (Flo)
http://www.youtube.com/user/FloFLT?feature=guide
I am going down to the hardware store
to buy a tape-measure
I have much to measure
I have to measure my disgust for politicians.
Election year is coming; I have to sum-up the lies
tally half truths, cut and saw the promises into
manageable fragments of about one truth
by half of one lie, to a fact
or maybe half of a fact to a half truth.
I may buy one of those cloth measuring tapes
the kind tailors use to size men up
and just glue it to my TV screen.
When they debate
I will be ready to measure my next vote, my
half-hearted hanging chad
my one change to get it right,
to fix all that is wrong
with the world.
Distant babble, a shout, an egg beater,
What does the clock say?
More noise, a dream dancing just beyond memory’s reach,
Where are my glasses?
6:45, no, 8:54
I found them on the sill.
Down one, then two floors,
The babble becomes intelligible.
Mom’s answering emails
Bob plays Toy Crush
I see Zac reading
Despite the lack of hush
Lydea and Becca make us pancakes,
No, it’s muffins that they make.
What kind is still in question
Because the batter isn’t done.
Violet yells at random people,
But she is only four.
She throws a yellow tape measure,
It skitters across the floor.
Haylee’s still asleep
How, I do not know.
But in her sleep she misses
What is going on below.
Dad is at the temple
Diligently serving God
He wants his family all to know
That his devotion is still strong.
Saturdays and family
Are pretty much the best.
Except for when my mom says
“Now clean up your huge mess.”
Still I wouldn’t trade them for the world
Though into it I’m being hurled
And when I think of imminent leaving
My heart in two is slowly cleaving
But it’s time to go
So they should know,
I’ll keep them close to me.
She had Velvet eyes, Satin lips
Silk skin … Seamless hips
Threaded her way into his heart
and Stitched his mind up Tight
But the Needle Point, was coming
Pricking… with all its might! …
… Posed her Textile-smile
Watched Fabric – flow
All the Lycra-while
Sticking Velcro …
and Ribbons and Bow
… he didn’t know
she was only after
Every Scrap of his Taffeta
He thought she was quite fetching
… didn’t know, she was just Window-Dressing
‘can’t hold the Cushion, when Pins, Push and Shove
a man, can’t live on just a Thimble-full of love! …
… can’t move the heart of a Mannequin
… your living doll is running around, again …
… Window Dressing …
He was an honest man
nothing up his Sleeve
but, he had a gold-band
said, ‘Honey, Marry Me…’
… and he Wrapped her in Furs
Draped her in jewels
Lots of Cashmere
… she left empty Spools
She took his Tape Measure
and Material Cut
kept Sharp Scissors
for her Designs … but
… He’d seen the Hem Ironed
and Sew and Sew
He knew the Pattern
and which Embroidery to go…
… the last Fringe turn
and which Bolt to throw …
She sat in front of a Vanity
brushing her Gossamer hair
Basting in her Veiled beauty
like no Wool was there …
… to see her Window Dressing
To see him Yard-Catching
the Collar and Cuffs …
… He’d seen enough !
He saw them thru the Window
Zipper and Buttons undone
He had to stop the Fashion Show …
… then he dropped his _ _ _
… Velvet eyes, Satin lips
Silk skin… Seamless hips
Threaded her way into his heart
And Stitched his mind up Tight
… but the Needle Point came Darning
Pricking, with all its might …
…’Cause you can’t move the heart of a Mannequin
but your living doll won’t be running around again …
I’m sorry I’ve no homework,
But it’s really not my fault,
I tried hard all last week to do it,
But got such a jolt!
Sat down to do my homework,
It was history that day,
The theme was myths and legends,
From that theme I couldn’t stray,
A Phoenix came and asked me,
If my work was good to go,
And when I said it’s incomplete,
Said blame it on dodo.
Then next day was biology,
Got help from talking horse,
He helped me with my homework,
Wanted no credit, of course.
He took my pencil in his hoof,
His writing’s not the best,
Perhaps that is the reason,
That I scored low in the test.
And next was mathematics,
Old Pythagorus sat down,
He said I couldn’t do my work,
Must take him in to town.
He asked for guidance round the streets,
With tape measure and spares,
I wondered why the tour we went,
Did visit all the squares!
So sorry that I can’t submit,
The work that you have set,
Mine aren’t some lame excuses,
That the others use, I bet.
I can’t hand in my homework,
I was just about to do,
But then a flaming pterodactyl,
Ate my homework too!
26 January 2021
That day, I was on my scale, thought I was fat?
Till I realized, i was holding two, five pound cats!
Scales are deadly, for women, it is proven true.
Use a tape measure instead, to be gorgeous you.
Mens’ weight, seems to move as easily as a cloud.
While ours seems immovable, like an iron clad shroud.
My despicable scale was put away in a deep, dark closet.
I measured my body parts, got thin, so do try it?
Went from a size sixteen to a size seven?
Was so grateful and thought I really was in heaven!
It’s been thirty seven years of pure bliss.
I think my tape measure deserves a honorable kiss.
Your fork, must alas, be given a long rest.
Leaving the table, and exercise, is a character test!
2/7/2023
It’d been a long day at work
So he sat in the sun
Enjoying the beer he’d earned
The day finally done
Closing his eyes he relaxed
When a persistent peep
Interrupted his dreaming
And he started from sleep
A brown and grey sparrow
Was in a tree nearby
Twittering and fluttering
Darting round in the sky
He magnanimously
Heard the internal call
To build a home for his friend
It would take no time at all
He had wood he could use
Although it had a twist
And it was rotting too
So he added to a list
Along with a tape measure
And extra nails, in case
Also, the saw was rusty
Another thing to replace
An expensive trip later
He had all he required
In fact, he had more -
His card almost expired
Building the box began
He slaved under the sun
Then slapped on some paint
And at last it was done
The bird glanced at the box
And immediately sussed
It was substandard housing
It flew off in disgust
So he was left with the bird box
All wonky and empty
It had cost him $350 -
Bunnings had them for $20
A Scot had once been quite handsomely built
Now with corona did not fit his kilt
Ate all he could find
With more on his mind
Became rotund and his manhood did wilt
Isolation made the fridge his best mate
Yet now he wanted an illicit date
Could not find his willy
Rubbed on some chilly
No growth so he needed to loose some weight
But cakes and pastry were hard to resist
When he tried his knickers got in a twist
Spermatic retention
Or penile extension
For not to miss out on an overdue tryst
The doctor himself was a well endowed man
‘I must help this limp fellow if I can’
Grafted a bone-r
For the new owner
To cool it implanted a vacuum fan
Balls on fire complete with bagpipe and trumpet
He seeks out his most delicate strumpet
But before he can dip it in with pleasure
She takes from her bra a hooker’s tape measure
‘Size does measure but this I won’t lump it’
The surgeon was not a continental medic
Had stuck to feet and inches for the prosthetic
A small mis-understanding
Results fully pending
Outcome detachment on a scale rather epic
The patient was of course not very amused
And not just his Ego was blatantly bruised
A centaur with no application
‘Now I need an ablation’
But the healer threw a wobbly and refused
If I incise once more I have to cut at the root
Give you a mammoplasty you’d look rather cute
Without bothersome ********
No impotency detection
This is a soft solution you cannot refute
At least now flaccidity will focus your hunger
Voluptuous and curvy you’ll look like a stunner
Indulge in cream tart
And if you fart
There’s no one around to make a scared runner
29th April 2020
My friend Sharon is the same as me as
we have decided to let it all hang free.
No more corsets or underwire
because we feel we are still on fire.
Without recourse to peer pressure
or need to take out a tape measure.
We’ve done our bit for procreation.
Now it’s all procrastination where
slimming and exercise are concerned.
A leisurely stroll is best we’ve learned.
We’re comfortable in our slack skin.
So Sharon is my “win/win” twin.
My cousin-in-law’s grandma was at a party. She says, “Me and my husband had sex almost every day.” I think some of us fell out of our chairs. So she goes on, “Almost on Monday, almost on Tuesday…”
I was standing between my husband and uncle at Ted’s Hot Dogs.
So it was said, as we are ordering, “How long is a foot long?”
Laughter turned the frankfurter red. Later, after dinner, Uncle Len
wields a tape measure…zwww…measures twelve inches.
My cousin tells us about his first date with his now wife of many years. He was having tummy issues, decides to pull into his brother’s driveway, and makes for the bathroom. Just lets himself in!
Sitting on the shameless throne, going and groaning and pooing.
He hears a voice, “Uncle …!” from the kid in the bath.
Baring it all as the poet shares the naked truth. Singing the song,
as her husband yells for Ethel to put her clothes on…on a streak.
They examined me with tape measures in their eyes as I entered
superimposing famous female faces over my own in their minds
like pictures printed on clear plastic sheets
placing one atop another onto an overhead projector
my teachers used years ago in the classroom
contemplating the magic of makeup
the limits of lighting
I could see in their stares what I’d learned to recognize
though the expression on their faces
remained stoic as if carved from cool, smooth marble
True talent was to them a secondary consideration
It wouldn’t matter in the least how well I delivered the lines
interpreted the character or set the scene
Audiences are apathetic to a poor performance
if the actress is sweet enough eye candy
I was more on the savory side like sage
used to spice up the flavor of roast turkey and dressing
I gave it my all anyway as I always did
though I already knew the outcome would be the same
They’d forget my name and number the moment
I passed through the door behind me back out on the street
my phone playing the part of a medieval monk in a monastery
who had hidden himself away from the world
taking a vow of silence
I've never went sky diving
I guess i dunknowhowtodoit and that's what's held me back!
I've always wanted to bunge jump,
but never have cause i dunknowhowtodoit
It amazes me that i can't roller skate
just falling and spraining my ankle cause i dunknowhowtodoit
I really can't read a tape measure
I laughed and joked and always asked someone else
cause i dunknowhowtodoit
I've fallen off a bike and tried riding on the back of a Harley,
but sometimes i feel like i dunknowhowtodoit
I've come a long way in life
I guess if i know how to do something then i won't have to say
I DUN--KNOW--HOW--TO--DO--IT