She’s too titty to be a preacher.
She can’t even bead a rook.
A rental deceptionist? Maybe.
At my teeth she once look a took.
As a wean clerker, she’ll never do.
I once caught her nicking her pose.
She doesn’t even hash her wands.
And she chews the tails off her nose!
For this lad sass, I see joe knob.
No mouse or honey has she.
Her life has not one pun fart!
I’m glow sad I’m shot knee.
Written march 25, 2016 for the Contest of Roy Jerden
Alliteration is awesome;
thanks to thee
it effortlessly erases evidence
of spoonerisms.
Spooky.
Written February 29th, 2016
For the Spoonerisms Contest hosted by Roy Jerden
The day started badly as I had a bat flattery on my vodge diper
It was roaring with pain when I arrived at the par cark at the mall
Went to put my bopping in the shoot and I turned into a bowel feast
I’d had a blushing crow… there was a rent in the dear
It had been hit by a bunken drum - I was mopping had!
He tried to apologise but was whiring his slords
I got out my phobile moan and a policeman cook my tall
He arrived at the mall in his canda par at the lead of spite
After my lad buck I went home to tell dumb and mad
Dad teased my ears, said I could use the buttle shush until it was mended
Contest: Spoonerisms Sponsored by Roy Jerden
02~29~16
I once knowed a poet named Jerden
Who ain't atall stuck on his wordin'
If they judge 'em unsound
He may nudge 'em around
And don't atall find it a burden
February 24, 2016
a freak accident
hit by frozen leaking waste
now six feet under
-------------------------------
Contest: Everyone Poops
Sponsor: Roy Jerden
In my present absence
I’m trying to remember where I misplaced the key
To unlock the door to my own existence
I rise with the smelting icecaps
Only to come crashing down with the rising levels of pollution
So I’m stuck in my red thinking cap
Things that make my radiator boil!
We’re driving to the end of the world, faster and faster?
With all that exhausts this oil
And you thrive on cancer...
You’re what you eat, what you smoke and as for the drink,
I won’t interfere with your larger
Am I just a filter...?
Of ignorance and misinformation...a consumer of advertisements?
Then only fit for litter
So there’s no avoiding this junk
It’s in the air, the water and every street pole we pass
And I’m just an ignorant punk
I was relaxing in the park
And I witnessed hands exchange contraband on the merry-go-round
Our own children doing something so dark
For all my jogging I breathe in lead
Poisoning my suburban home - now part of the inner city decay, how?
‘cause that’s the BS I’m fed
01-08-2015
Thabang Jan Ngoma
Sponsor: Roy Jerden
Contest Name: Everyone Poops
Though fully dressed for a wedding
I could not resist the buffet,
Fine lipstick wore off for a refill
Of dessert from a laden tray.
Soon, full tummy began to roll
Up, down like the hall’s throbbing light
My rear needed to drop a bomb;
Restraining the urge,’ not tonight!’
As bridesmaid, I pulled the doves’ cage
While they zoomed off, my eyes sensed it
Before rushing to the girl’s loo,
My gown streaked with birds’ deposit!
Everyone Poops Contest of Roy Jerden
7/30/2015
No big deal
Lot of time bushed in the washroom,
His mind was stuck in colonic loops,
Painfully shy was the young groom,
What big deal when everyone poops !
Written July 28th, 2015
For contest by Roy Jerden
There was an old lady called Jeanette.
Who wiggled in line for a toilette.
She said, "I can't wait!
I fear it's too late.
And my bottoms a bit more than wet."
Everyone poops contest
By Roy Jerden
.
Seven hours now since the curry last night
made a dash for the bathroom as something's not right
amidst the burning and pain and occasional squeals
right now I know just how a piping bag feels
Sailing very close to the wind for contest
'Everyone poops', sponsored by Roy Jerden.
27th July 2015
In the woods on a soft green patch
trying to get my pants to unsnapped
Hurrying now as my stomach starts to roar
giving no time to drop my drawers
My face is sweating 'I'm I dying?'
the cramps so bad I feel like crying
With relief it hits the ground
thanking God I have no crowd
But what's that sound I hear
humming above the ground?
Thousands of flies coming in to score
up and running I leave behind my drawers
Back at camp my buddies start laughing
when I notice my pants are on backward and I'm still crapping.
Contest: Everyone Poops sponsored by: Roy Jerden Placed 5th
T Reams
Woke up this morning all forlorn
Piles of dog poop lie on my lawn
I’d love to find the offending mutt
Give his owner a cork for its butt!
Dog poop is a disgusting mess
It gets everywhere I must confess
Come on dog owners make me happy
Put your pooch in a doggy nappy
Notices say 'clean up dog poop' -
All you need is a poop-a-scoop
Or simply carry a plastic bag …
If I see YOUR dog poohing – I will nag
Just clear up the offensive doggy doo -
It’s not a difficult thing to do!
Contest – Everyone Poops – Roy Jerden
07~26~15
And those were the times of our lives,
the late nights and restless dives...
Hope given one shot at a time,
a nickel a tale, a lie for a dime.
And those were our lives of the times,
a charade with partners in crime,
the fading of twilight's last beams
as we watch the waning of dreams...
© Brandon Watson and Roy Jerden
July 6, 2015
My daddy was a roughneck and he worked the oil patch.
He ate his eggs and biscuits that my mommy made from scratch.
Pies and cakes and everything from scratch was always made.
That was the best, the ladies said - the rule they all obeyed.
So I watched her while she made it, and fixed us up a batch.
I saw flour and eggs and butter, but I never saw that scratch.
I saw everything she added, and I watched real close, I swear.
That scratch must be invisible; I couldn't spot it anywhere.
I guess there is some magic in the scratch, I must admit.
Especially at grandma's, who makes everything from it.
So if I should ever marry, for me a perfect match
is a girl just like my mommy, who makes our food from scratch.
April 10, 2015
Roy Jerden
Tapioca (Free Verse)
I’ll always be thoughtful and treat you well
Mi amor
If you want for food, it will always be there
Mi amor
I’d protect you from the gates of hell
Mi amor
Whatever you desire is yours
Mi amor
But you cannot have my tapioca
Feb. 6, 2003
The Knight’s Crusade (Villanelle)
Dearest damsel, thou art my life
If thou want for food, it will always be there
I will offer comfit and other gourmet fare
Whatever jewels ye desire I present to you
Be it Australian opals or Colombian gold
Dearest damsel, thou art are my life
The ravages of nature may threaten thee
But I’ll cool thee in the brutal heat
and warm thee in the bitter cold
I will slay where all the dragons dwell
I'll protect thee from the gates of hell
Dearest damsel, thou art my life
My strength and resolve to win thy love
I will defy the gods above
Until my labors bring fruition
all these enumerations that I have stated
I promise thee with all my heart
Dearest damsel, thou art my life
But thou cannot have my Tapioca
May 4, 2014
Makeover Contest Roy Jerden
Ralph Sergi March 26, 2015
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