I find myself reflecting on many things I have long forgotten,
including the invaluable wisdom imparted by my elders.
Yet the memories of the pain inflicted by others remain vivid
as I navigate the complexities of friendships and past betrayals.
I have also released numerous reassurances that were extended to me.
"You can trust me," they often proclaimed.
I try to overlook the fact that a large breadfruit serves as a meal
for my siblings and me, while our dog receives only a small portion.
My weary mind strives to preserve my memories.
the faces of familiar individuals gradually fade from my recollection.
The promises and falsehoods from our leaders linger lightly in my thoughts,
drifting like a feather in the breeze. I sneeze—particles of brain cells.
Today I chose to take it easy; I wish Metal AI could decipher this as well.
Recalling days in a state
you
might feel after faking
your own breath of fresh hair she fried
from that floor dayward to
be right
on the
pointless hell prototype
aligning with her vision
of
the self-confident soldiers
singing her to the quick and stick-
y hotel where no one
ever
checks out
the plumbing unless pres-
sured to do so by the
bladder
of fact
madam at the recep-
tion desk.
I try not to let myself ask:
Would I be happier if you’d walked away?
If you didn’t turn around
If you’d gone another way
I try to just complete my tasks:
Be happy, be kind, be satisfied
but something seems to be standing in my way
A Shadow - cast upon the wall from a tinged vanity mirror
screaming aloud all my fears
I’m not afraid of dying alone
I’m just afraid of letting go
The moon spilling through the blinds is our only light
It’s too dark for you to see me -
crying - ever so silently
I don’t know what I want
but I don’t need to not be alone
I’d rather rot in my corner than venture out into the world
and risk someone smelling the staleness of my soul
rotten, old
dead and cold
better off where you’d left me,
unable to hurt anyone else
when it’s just me
alone
no one’s wrists to cut but my own
A pain I deserve
from a sadness unjustified
from reading too much into the lines
a pain self-inflicted
by a mind broken and twisted
to this blood -
I am addicted
Like a storm trapped in her chest
she moved in circles
footsteps restless
heart pounding louder than thought.
She had lived inside a lie
vowed to love through anything
clung to promises already crumbling
made peace with pain to feel something.
When dawn rose, it lit the truth
the smiles were masks
the kisses rehearsed, and yet, she stayed
not for love, but for the hope it might return.
She bled quietly
trying to piece together shattered glass
holding on to something
that had already let her go.
Looking out from deep inside
this fortress here wherein I hide.
Formed brick by brick in rounds of pain,
some circumstantial, others made
by hand selecting from the first -
fine crafted moldings of the worst.
With clays of pity, doubt and fear,
mix in the water, make it clear
so all around will go away.
Form isolation day by day
til self-inflicted world of one
is all that’s left, the fortress done.
Now every brick formed tells a tale
of how I crafted out this hell,
where trapped inside I live alone…
my self-inflicted one-man home.
You've made me feel
weak
Pathetic
Small
You've made me feel
Inadequate
Shameful
unloveable
And raw
You halted my dance
And forced me to crawl
You taught me true fear
I'll never trust anyone
Ever
Not at all
You've fed me to the wolves
And left me to rot
Berated my name
And proved im easily forgot
You've made me feel
Jealous
Sad
Enraged
You've made me feel
Vacant
Hungry
And caged
Even with walls already built
From deep within me
you stole
My hopes and my dreams
My chance
At ever being whole
left bewildered and broken
Sunken and cold
Questioning How to protect
What is left
of my soul
Woe
bestowed
on oneself
is sorrowful
fulfillment of sad
dependency
determined
to kill
joy
Tongue lashings are bitter
they hurt and injure
Gnawing at both the heart
of victim and abuser
With each hostile strike
both hearts bruise and deaden
Hostility a most deadly poison
injected as cheeks redden
No word of a lie striking a chord
You live by the sword you die by the sword
AP: Honorable Mention 2020
Submitted on December 6, 2019 for contest IF YOU LIVE BY THE SWORD THEN YOU DIE BY THE SWORD sponsored by SILENT ONE - RANKED 1ST
The more you hate others,
the less you love yourself.
A zig of happiness sparked the upper peninsulas
Of my wildebeest heart, a mere tich.
Could that teensy beginning shake my
Anger, which I had determinedly
Held onto for three weeks longer
Than anyone sane should have?
Come on, the spark said, laughing. Come
And play. We can be mad tomorrow.
I was not in the least bit tempted.
Stubbornness held me fast.
I refused her offer, the lifeline
She was giving me. I ignored the
Light, and held on to my
Enmeshed hurt feelings,
Holding onto my rage
As a shield, afraid of whom I
Might become without her.
A Self Inflicted Lie
I tell myself 'you are in love'
As I press my lips to hers
Boundless joy fills my heart
In her embrace my memory blurs
What god has blessed me with true love
At what price has this angel been snared
How wonderful to be in her embrace
Such fortune can not be compared
I tell myself 'you are loved'
As our souls are spiritually bound
And should I search around the world
No truer love could be found
The greatest peace I've ever known
Has arrived within my heart
Nothing left within this world
Can make us split a part
This precious gem too pure to grasp
Like stars upon the sea
Yet now we are so tightly clasped
There is no her or me
The wound inflicted, you will never see,
for it lies in the recess of my mind
Internal is the bleeding; let it be!
You try, but peace of mind you can not find
Who is the God you worship? Speak His name!
I want to know; does he condone this pain?
Is He the one who let you maim and shame,
and will he bless you for your proffered bane?
I wonder how you can to slumber yield
Does not your deed weigh heavy on your heart?
The things you've said and done are not concealed
Your conscience surely pleads amends to start
The wound inflicted you will never see
But there is One who sees inside of me
Eileen Manassian
Ability to face his fears, gone!
Bewitched by a demon for so long.
Could not conceive a positive thought.
Doom and dread was all he sought.
Echoing hallucinating voices in his mind.
Friendships meaningful, he could not find.
‘Go ahead, end it now!’….
He’d hear them say.
Interdict he should live to see another day.
Just then, he concluded what to do.
‘Kill myself undoubtedly, then I’ll stop feeling blue’.
Longing though to change his mind.
Moods flared up, of every kind.
Never had he felt this low.
Only solution is to merely let it go.
Pick a course; blade, gun or poison?
Quickest approach, without a reason!
Reflecting nothing, he simply acted.
Sanguinary wound, self-inflicted!
Thoughts of despair as he laid there bleeding.
Utter commotion, so very misleading.
Veils of black line the chapel floor.
Weeping eyes, dry no more.
Xylophonic gizmos the performers played.
Yawning a soft sweet serenade.
Zany acts could not be predicted, resulting in death, ‘self-inflicted!’
A ripe body of Adolescence, nuzzled by beauty
on which hair is polished by crystals and sapphire
but lacks in the garrison of virtues and patriotism
becoming blind to the significance of its own felicity.
So gullible is its owner, that Dorian Gray is her preferred suitor,
so false are her choices like bringing Tilapia to Canada to strive.
Protracted human disasters have not altered her Oestrus
yet barren even with the plethora of fertile males
she's an ignorant keeper and owner of a unique talisman
causing a huge surveillance from selfish sugar daddies.
In the midst of her turmoil, she stays ludic
inflicted with so much pain but cry so rhapsodic.
Swimming with the fast in pretentious avocation
entertaining in self deceit, through every dulcet move.
Well formed mouth without a beak and limbs with soft knees;
her metamorphosis should be complete, yet a chrysalis she remains.
A complete turnaround requires an economic Hasidism
for the existing gross mediocrity to be evanescent
then refined existence in juxtaposition between an idyllic present
to a radiant future would be once again fully established.
Self-Inflicted Contest
Sponsor: Anthony Slausen
Because addiction
I fell into the red fire
so many consequences
my self-infliction
darkness chose by my desire
I lost all my defenses
Form: Sedoka
Six lines consisting of 5-7-7-5-7-7 Syllables (Rhymed)
Checked syllable count:www.wordcalc.com
Due to research I have learned that the word "fire"
can by one or two syllables.
In this poem I wrote the word "fire" as one syllable.
Date Written: January 24, 2016
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