IS NOT PLANTERS NUTS
BUT PLATNER LOOKING LIKE A PUTZ
DEMS COVERING BUTTS
A peanut farmer named Futz
Slipped and fell and crushed his nuts
Two nuts in a shell
Went crunch when he fell
Without nuts he’s just a putz
You may shoot a round of golf with your goofy neighbor Rolf,
or smack handballs 'round until your fingers bleed.
You may pump your mountain bike up the peak named after Pike,
and I'm sure we'll all applaud the mighty deed.
You may hunt the antlered moose, you may perforate a goose,
or with bow in hand confront the ring necked pheasant.
But a sportsman's not a hero t'il he fishes in sub-zero
temperatures that lesser men would find unpleasant.
There is nothing quite as nice as to lumber 'cross the ice
when the northern lights are shimmering o'er the pole.
With your tip-ups and your thermos and frost bitten epidermis
and a double headed axe to chop the hole.
On your upturned spacklin' pail there you'll squat through sleet and hail,
and snow so deep that folks can't see your hat.
And some may call you "nuts", and some "a silly putz",
but you're a proud ice fishin' man for all of that.
Though you've never caught a trout and never will, I doubt,
that the prospect of a catch is what will tug ya,
to the frozen lake each season; no you do it for the reason,
it's the only place your spouse won't go to bug ya.
The day the refrigerator went mad
Was the day the butcher put out the ad
Read to me by my own weirdo stepdad
Who was a putz, a reprobate, a cad
I was but a boy of ten, just a lad
Near the waterfront was our ugly pad
Chops only sixty cents, and we were glad
Refrigerator on the blink was bad
Can you cook them when you get home, dear Chad?
It was my mom and she was truly rad
Not wanting to make her any more sad
Gave her an excuse that was iron-clad
Refrigerator yelled “good grief! Egad!”
He fixed himself and threw away his mad.
Most active frig that we had ever had.
I didn’t have to cook, and I was glad!
When the snails had zoomed passed the finish line,
When all that I owned, were no longer mine,
When they had taken my habits away,
When they stopped calling me gramps and say hey,
When I'm second fiddle caused by humming,
When ask "pass the salt", they think I'm bumming,
When sleep laying, sit or stand, I'm a putz,
When crunch my food, they say its teeth, not nuts,
When babies see pampers and yours they steal,
When butterflies fight could be your last meal
When hand points to lettered eye chart, what chart,
When old hits you, it aims for the best part.
Date: 08/29/2019
ROAD BULLY
You really are a putz
You beep, you crowd
Your radio’s loud
You act like such a nut
You really are a pain
You swerve, you brake
For heavens sake
You rarely use your brain
You really think your queen
You text, you read
All while you speed
And then get really mean
A bully is what you are
The swears, the rage
Not acting your age
All this while driving a car
Sometimes I confront my inner child
But usually we just play with blocks
I learned how to see if anyone's home
When I was at the school of hard knocks!
One time I fell down a deep dark hole
Since I was unable to see that well!
Once my defense was to turtle up
But later I came out of my shell
I bumped into Donald Ducks girlfriend
And although you might think it's crazy
For some reason, she got really mad
Whenever I said, "Oops a daisy!"
My friend said, "Find a date on line"
"And try not to be such a putz!"
Someone interested in stuff like me?
I don't want anybody that nuts!
WHO SOURED THE SOUP?
blog trolls
blowholes
bloggers
cloggers
daft clown
sad frown
a nerd
absurd
intense
pretense
Miss Putz
she's nuts
old goose
obtuse
one jerk
does lurk
sick dude
so rude
soup pun
such fun
March 20, 2017
Jan's Footles Contest
There are those moments that stay with us forever
stuck in time, we will forget them never
The night I picked up the phone, it was late
how could this be his fate?
I drove and on my way I got a flat tire
this seemed a cruel and divinely planned satire
The tow truck man could not remove the lug nuts
Almost midnight now and I thought he was a putz
When mom's door opened there were swollen eyes
I was the strong one to my surprise
We made the plans and bought the box
I look back now and know I was still in shock
My hair came out in clumps as I showered
Being strong and holding it in was not making me feel empowered
Then about three months later it hit me like a wall
my father was gone, I would not see him at all
I had not cried at all until that day
It seemed I could not stop now to my dismay
My words of wisdom to pass on to you my friend
Tell those you love how you feel every now and again.
Addicted? Who me?
Could stop any time
One cup a day?
Would do me just fine
Aside from the shakes
Freaking out now and then
Craving that fix
Going off the deep end
Trust me I'm fine
Not being deceitful
Shakes aren't a problem
'Cept threading a needle
But I'll have to admit
Some lives have been ruined
Caffeine's the nemesis
Cut down on the brewin'
Whoever discovered it
Was a downright putz
To cause so much grief
With one li'l ole cup!
© Jack Ellison 2012
Distressed in the mind
Lost in the notion
Leaving me blind
From all the commotion
How to sort out
These thoughts in my brain
What’s this about
A runaway train
To many thoughts
Built up so I’m full
Running to spots
Like some big angry bull
With my every idea
Its hard to stay sane
Like the stripes of a zebra
They are never the same
Thoughts leave impressions
To deep to ignore
Some are recessions
You may have to explore
Some ideas are golden
And some are just nuts
Some you may have to pardon
From the mind of a putz
Each notion has rules
That we need not ignore
Even you fools
Of this I implore
Can ideas fly high
Or be trapped in a den
My thoughts say goodbye
Though I’ll see you again
I am locked into life
But chastised from within
Must be faithful to wife
And free from all sin
This lock that is placed
Is to keep me so pure
This law can be traced
In my history for sure
You may think of me crazy
But I’m not really nuts
And if you call me lazy
I’ll call you a putz
To keep yourself pure
Is harder than said
And to take a detour
Will leave feelings of dread
You can hold your head high
If you’re faithful to one
You might make yourself cry
If you’re faithful to none
If I say I’m chastised
I’m not wearing a belt
Why act so surprised
It’s the cards I was dealt
I can hold my head high
Cause I’m faithful to one
And won’t make myself cry
As I’m unfaithful to none
And now I am done
I know I am good
What have I won
I did all that I should
Won the love of a person
Who I do love right back
With no love you may worsen
All those feelings you lack
It’s time to sign out
So I’ll say my goodbye
You don’t have to shout
Just give it a try
i am angry
i am offended
i am blue
notice the i, i, i,
when will it end?
dammit, i hurt
i feel sorry for
myself.
i feel so disgraced,
degraded?
i wanna run
i, i, i,
i am sick of me.
i need to get over
myself.
this writing stinks.
i am in agony.
i am unloveable
and untouchable.
i feel like crushing
myself under
my heel
if i could bend down
that far.
i might as well be
a stripper as much
as my body as
been invaded and
exposed.
i can't listen to
myself anymore;
i am a putz.
janetta
A very odd co-worker,
One who drove us all nuts,
Was more than weird with food,
In fact, he was a putz
Every single day
He'd eat his
tuperware'd roast beef
Never a chance in menu
All other foods succumbed
To a sadistic nasty food-thief?
But when he had his banana,
That really took the cake...
He'd peel it completely
Before the first bite he'd take...
So there he was,
With a naked banana in his hand,
Gooey stuff oozing between his fingers
It was a sight no one could stand...
This was a very odd fellow,
There is so much more to tell
A bizarre co-worker,
With ol' thomas bell
Swimming in dusty dirt,
Speaking and
singing crazily,
Cursing at no one quite loud,
Truely a sight for one to see...
When I got married, and left,
He'd live for years,
With my wonderful parents,
At their Queens house,
Driving them slowly nuts,
He could be quite a putz,
And eventually, from
Their house,
They threw out this
drunken louse.....
But deep inside,
He was good hearted,
He just liked to
numb the pain,
He loved to hang out,
With me and my friends,
Over and over again...
I miss that sweet nut,
And the laughs he did bring,
But life goes on, just
another thing...
Of the family,
he's legend,
And my eternal mimics of him,
Have swelled his
humorous aura...
I'd guess up in
Heaven he's smiling,
Chuckling "Ho..ho...ho....!"
Midst the angels
with their harp,
Maybe not so stupid,
But surely not too sharp...
I do pray he's smiling...
As he really ought,
Just a bad hand of cards,
He was dealt, and was caught..
So "Uncle Cleo, a toast!"
To you I will drink,
You taught me a lot,
Much more than you'd think!
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