My shadow of grief. - Kelly Crenshaw's Blog

Again I have no idea where this should go, so I putting it here. It’s been almost 2 years since we lost one of our sons. The grief is still unbearable at times.

In about 3 and a half weeks it will mark 2 years that our boy John exited the planet. So in many ways the following is a little too early.
I was minding my own business not thinking about anything yesterday and this thing called grief bushwhacked me.  Then I grieve for him which in turn segues into torment and lamentation over   everyone else we’ve lost. My siblings, family members, mentors and close friends that are gone. And I grieve. Even those that have been gone for years; the pain still seems fresh. I suppose one way I attempt to work thru it it to maniacally write about it.  Compulsively. 
Lol.
Then when I write, it only makes sense to me. Only my heart can hear the rhythm and flow of the words. 
The following attempt at a prose/pseudo poetry communique is yet another vain attempt to disseminate and convey something from my heart. As usual I fear it gets lost in translation. The background sounds between my ears as I wrote was kind of a alien version of “Have you ever seen the rain” and at its end clearly plagiarized “killing me softly”
If you care to read you might see.
I’ve titled it
“My Shadow of Grief”
.
Grief?
Is that you?
Go away.
I’m just a shadow of of me. 
Merely a ghost of who used to be.
My color is black and white
Still you came to me in the dead of night. 
In the darkness that is void of light.
And you whispered to me, just one more time.
“Relive it one more time just for old time’s sake.”
And then,
And then,
I let you in.
And your torture begins.
And there’s no escape.
Cause I remember,
Every what about,
Every “Why didn’t I?”
Shoulda coulda woulda.
There’s no way out.
And I longed, for death for me.
But death never came.
Tried to blame somebody.
But there was no one to blame.
Even though I know the ending.
I relive. 
It always ends the same.
Alone.
Alone.
In the pain....
Called grief.
So I  called to grief.
So naturally.
Because I feel guilty when you aren’t there. 
How could I live beyond their lives?
It just don’t seem right.
I wonder why did I survive.
.
The hope of my fathers was their dream.
And I became the dream of my fathers when the ancients passed away.
Now the hope of my seed is gone.
I’m trapped in the tragedy of that day,
Over and over and over again.
.
Grief? Have you come to stay?
Is there comfort in your pain?
I hate you yet I long for you.
I always knew you’d come it seems.
There’s no escape from you.
Even if I wanted to.
Simply because I live I think I deserve you.
And I miss 
the ones
That are gone.
Some have died
But some have just moved on.
It hurts the same. 
Like a vicious game.
  They use you and throw you away. 
Either way they exit the stage. 
Even they live in their own pain.
It’s not what you say that kills. But that’s sure the way that it feels.
Yet I’m,
Dead to the rage.
Then HE came.
And. Everything began. To change.
.
Soothing my pain with His fingers. 
Healing my life with His Words.
Loving me softly with His song. 
Loving me softly.
With His song.
Healing my whole life.
With His Word. 
Loving me softly.
He looked right thru my scars.
Soothing my pain
With His Way.
He just said
Come unto me, if you’re weary.
And heavy laden.
And
I 
Will
Give
You rest.
He was healing my life with the Word.
Paying the whole price. 
The call of of Love is what I heard.
How did You find me
When I tried so hard
To hide. 
You said come to Me My son.  
The stain of grief
Is a badge I wear. 
Yet He’s soothing my pain with His fingers.
Healing my life with His Words........
Loving me softly.....
With His Word.
Come unto Me My son.
You can rest in Me I’m meek and lowly.
For now grief is defeated, exit stage right.
Though I’m only a shadow I run straight towards
The light!
And now the shadow is gone.
Goodbye grief.
For now the shadow is gone.
Goodbye grief. 
HE said come unto Me. 
And I will heal 
Your 
Pain.
.
And I’m sure trying to believe.
.
~Kelly Dan
April 2018