How did all this begin
How did this illness start
When I was being torn to pieces
Or when I was completely ripped
apart
Everyday being consumed with intense unrelenting sadness
Not understanding why pushed me
further into madness
As my mental health continued to
quickly decline
Dark clouds rolled in the sun just
wouldn’t shine
These overpowering emotions I just
couldn’t control
Every bit of hope I once had they had
entirely stole
Emotional overload was bursting out
at the seams
The deafening sound of my own
internal tortured screams
Overwhelmed broken and knocked
down to my knees
This depression of mine will surely be
my fatal disease
Black people don't do therapy
You'll be seen As a failure
They say we don't share out business with 'strangers'
But those 'strangers' are usually their children's saviours
They are like a safe place
Something their parents never gave them
A safe haven
See what these black parents don't realise
That if they don't start paying attention
To their children
They'll lose them forever
All because to them white validation
Is better than keeping their family together
Apparently they would rather give up their child to suicide
Than give up their pride
Machine gun heart riddled with shades of grey.
A mind once sharpened by your own forked tongue.
Lovers' lips part with rumbles of a cannon.
Dew licked satin sheets - the highway to carnal desire.
Silhouettes of freshly washed skin dance in the night.
Passion rising like the souls of the departed.
Where do you sleep after your thirst is quenched?
Where do you go when your high knows no bounds?
Unfiltered needs not being met;
A fire put out before the gasoline burns off.
Passionate nights followed by cool seduction.
A waterfall of your essence coating my tongue.
Decisions made in a moment of yearning.
Your lack of understanding - my constant battle.
Why can't you listen instead of just hear?
I will free my enslaved exuberance,
since you can't be bothered.
Blow out the candle and climb into bed.
One of these days you'll get what you want.
And one of these days I'll learn that I won't.
Poems request that I be authentic.
I am unsure my pen can take it.
I live life as an emotional sayer,
but should I now reveal each layer
my blood will spill upon this paper.
I have sought to give life tender smiles
while enduring heart wrenching trials.
I have glued events found fragile
into some matter I can handle.
I have not once run or pretended,
or taken pain and tried to bend it,
for one truth grew – my Father sent it.
To have peace, I must befriend it
or, God forgive, I must end it.
One small second is all powerful
and all it took to destroy all I knew.
It did not eclipse past tears lived thru,
but forever altered pain’s known hue.
Here I am, at the mid-century mark
searching out a new life for my heart.
Such desires are not easily caught.
The universe bruised, we constantly fought.
Life injures, it will hurt and blister.
Then there is joy, the sweetest kisser,
and for that I am still prompted on,
longing for fear-notes to leave my song.
Sadness revealed my spiritual soul,
took it thru hell to achieve its goal.
Each hurt is a small grain of my total pain,
so raw and brave behind my human name.
Tears, screams, pain, mixed with desperate pleas for help!
Fear fills the void in the heart. Regrets for what might; should have been ring continuously around an aching brain.
Now, living these things alone; locked away so no one can see.
Insane inside, surviving life on the outside! Always the right answer, always a smile. A shell; broken and hurting on the inside, dark and alone!
Frustrated, sad, and thrown away; no one to comfort, no one to understand. A life of misery, a life of pretend! Things no one should endure, things so dark and deep none would guess they wee there.
Screams fill the brain causing pain yet again. Tears fill the void in the heart cracked beyond repair! Those regrets never far away, no escape for locked inside this broken shell regrets live.
Smile and laugh for none can know the pain and teas that fall. You know just what to say; cover the fear for inside the insanity runs wild! Make no mistake, share with no one, and trust none! Pain and suffering is all you know. Life hurts and death is unknown.
Debbie Knapp
im so sad
i dont know what to do why is life so sad n dark
i hide in the dark
i like being in the dark
the pain of losing people
the pain of losing my family to my step mom she just took every thing away
i like darkness i feel pain
i hide my feeling
i feel like im on the edge of being gone 4 ever
i dont talk to any one i rather stay in my room in the dark
i want to cry every day i want to disaper
the darkness is taking over me
its taking me to a deep dark place i dont want to be
Searing pain rips through my chest,
As I slip on the painted green stairs,
Running from something I’m not sure
Too afraid to stop, to turn my head.
My heart races, my head throbbing,
If I could just take a deep breath,
To cleanse my soul and refresh,
Where is this dark building I’m in.
Lying in warmth I move my hand,
Red covers me, flowing down the steps,
A peaceful calm envelopes as I view
My Dad with open arms waiting for me.
He is standing now, out of his wheelchair,
Smiling with his crooked grin so sweet,
The pain ebbs and happiness grows
Then I wake again to the dark emptiness.
Written September 23, 2012
For Francine Robert’s contest
“In Dreams”
All around the room closes in
I can't see him, but I know he is here
A gentle touch on my back
And he soothes my pain away.
All the maddness creeps slowly out of my soul
And eve though he does not say it much
I know deep down he love's me;
He needs and wants me even more.
I feel his lips upon mine,
His kiss sets me free,
And holds me close to his heart.
His soul is dark as the night is long
His heart shines like the moon
His compassion to love freely is what keeps me close,
An intrigue I long to know, but never will fully grasp.
That secret I long to hear,
but know deep inside would break my heart.
I yearn to please him,
See that smile I brought to his face
That was there two years before.
He is my mystery
And I have craved this pain to long.
Just to open myslef up to happiness that others will never know,
Just to bleed out all the bad,
And let my inner good shine.
He is my dark prince,
That sparkle in my eye.
To let it be nothing, or something
Would complicate both of our worlds!
The prison I was kept in was small, dark and wet
I didn’t know how I got there or how long I would stay
Yet I had a sense of comfort and felt I’d be okay
And didn’t have the courage to escape from it quite yet
I could hear voices around me in a language I did not know
The space was getting smaller with every passing day
My anxiety was reaching a crescendo to finally be on my way
And something innate inside me was urging me to go
Through a dark and narrow passage I started my way to squeeze
Screams of pain and anguish echoed through my head
Somehow I felt that my leaving to another’s pain had lead
As I continued through the tunnel; first my head and then my knees
A rush of cold air and bright lights made me release a cry of joy
Being helped now by others to pull me from my cell
Free to unbend and stretch and let out a healthy yell
As they handed me to my mother saying, “Congratulations, it’s a boy”
Alone, inside my wounded mind
seeking answers I must find
the past, it rears its ugly head
to keep me filled with pain and dread
always wanting me to bleed
to fill a dark and vile need.
Too many years it's kept its hold
and left me lost in dark so cold.
In desperate tones I plead and pray
I beg it "please, just go away"!
Within my weary soul I grieve
fearing it may never leave.
I've fought so hard to be set free
from pain trapped deep inside of me
with no parole, sentenced for life
with pain that cuts with razor knife.
Still to this very day I fight
to kill the dark and keep the light.
Though tears flow from this womans eyes
it's still the little girl who cries.
Again, she sings the same sad song
feeling what she feels is wrong.
Always regretting to reveal
to the world the pain I feel.
His pain was written through his rough and wretched hands,
He quivered and whispered a plead for mercy again.
"Why must this heart break, why must I lose?
This pain must leave me with no further adu!"
His road was rough, maybe more than one can bare;
that must explain his dark, demented flare.
A tormented genious, some might say.
what else can one do when their world is so gray?
For his Lost Lenore and Sweet Annabel Lee
He longs and mourns, like the willow weeps.
His words are always with us, in dark and light,
like the Tell Tale Heart beating, that cold night.
He ceased to breathe, leaving no traces
like The Raven flew away, into empty spaces.
"Nevermore, nevermore!" will his heart ache,
for he is now gone, nothing more to break.
Maybe in the dark shadows, we'll feel his words,
Ha! it's not all fantasy, perhaps he's NOT so absurd!
As resentment attacks our pale soul,
We sit in the dark surrounded by confusion,
We start to think about this dark sorrowful life,
And we feebly face our sinful feelings,
As resentment attacks our pale soul,
Our quivering bodies run away from themselves,
Trying to find somewhere to hide,
But sadness conceals all safety,
As resentment attacks our pale soul,
Ashen, the world becomes,
The colors of joy are washed by our pessimism,
And dimness builds a cage of tears around us,
As resentment attacks our pale soul,
Loneliness drenches the air we breathe,
We inhale the torment into ourselves,
Suffering between the lonely arms around us,
As resentment attacks our pale soul,
We are broken pieces lying on the ground,
Feeling the pain seep through our veins,
We try to hold our last breath,
As resentment attacks our pale soul,
We try to alleviate the pain we feel,
By bleeding ourselves into more agony,
Painfully, we will have to
Swallow the taste of resentment…
To live ones life in a dark shadow,
Is like living where there is no other soul.
Being alone, frightened, upset,
Fearful of dying someday.
Living in pain and agony each day.
Pain, deep torturous pain that rips
Apart ones feelings and eats away at the heart.
Fearing the days that one has to live through.
Wondering will I wake up tomorrow morning
And live another day?
Or will I die peacefully in my sleep tonight?
Thank God for giving me another day-
Another chance.
I hate the devil for making my days
Torturous and dreadful.
I despise him for not letting me live my life.
I cry each night and day.
I look for a friend,
I look for a stranger,
No one is around.
No one but my feelings and the dark shadows
That haunt me day and night.
I deal with my pain every day,
But I have learned to deal with
What I have to go through,
And now I must go on knowing
There is no turning back.
It’s dark and lonely in my mind the light I can not see
Sounds are getting fainter there is no one here with me
Tears flow heavy like a late afternoon rain shower
I can hold them back no longer; I just do not have the power
My heart grows weary of the pain I feel more everyday
Neither pills, nor therapy can take this pain away
My tissue box is empty I’ve thrown it on the floor
Even knowing that I have no energy to go and get some more
This feeling drains my body, my mind and all my soul
I wait and wonder will it end and once more I can feel whole
Away inside my mind I’m lock until I am released
Depression has a hold on me when will this torture cease
The pain I feel is not just mental, for on my body toll is taken
The dark cloud hangs above me and these feelings can not be shaken
Depression has a hold on me when will this torture cease?
The light of the sun will shine down
Hiding all of those little frowns
The rainbow is painting your mask
Illusions are an every day task
The heat of the sun will delude
The greatest minds are its fruit
It helps you become your belief
Your sun is not my relief
I live in dark I can see
Your hate, pain and envy
I thought I just saw you die
In my eyes you’re just another lie
The minute that I step into light
It’s blinding, it’s far too bright
Stop me before I am dead
You’re pushing, killing instead
Please, show mercy on me
Controlling what wants to be free
Just because you cannot see
Doesn’t mean I cannot believe
You’ve killed me
I lived in dark and could see
Your hate, pain and envy
I know you have died
So many times, how much lies?
I crawl back into the dark
Your lies have just hit their mark
Darkness is now the thing that I crave
Anything else is just another grave
Lift me up and surprise
I now feel so high
The mask will fade from my face
I’m free now in every way
You keep trying to pull me from this
Why can’t I be with bliss?
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