Planks of my fake wood floor are comin' up,
so I better get a new one - yup.
Now, gather 'round to hear me complain
about what a royal pain
it is when you don't have a floor
beneath your own two feet no more.
Especially, when you have bad OCD,
and things must be where they're s'posed to be.
I'm gonna have a heart attack
worrying about getting stuff back.
My back won't let me lift -
will my friends do the manual labor shift?
When I moved in, how was I to know
I'd have to spend this kind of dough?
Well, I guess I should be glad, instead.
I have a roof over my head.
A brand-new pyramid’s been built,
Which might give us conniptions,
But this one’s made by just one man
Instead of the Egyptians.
Unlike the older version, which
Endorsed a healthy diet,
This time we’re pushed to eat red meat,
Though vegans may not buy it.
Aside from steak and burgers,
Whole milk cheese and foods like that,
We’re being told we should indulge
In saturated fat.
The Heart Association thinks
This puts us on the track
For many more Americans
To have a heart attack.
But hey – this is our country now,
A topsy-turvy land,
With lunatics and blowhards
And their minions in command.
Poor wealth or rich poverty
"The poor seeks food,
the rich hunger."
Food for the poor,
is scarce...
Food for the rich,
is plentiful...
The hungry poor,
have a heart attack...
The rich, fatty,
are flat...!
A few weeks ago I stopped
smoking pot as an experiment.
Easier than I thought-
I’ve had practice. Depth
of feeling starts coming back
like micro-bullets to the cranium
so invisible to the naked eye that
every corner shields a perpetrator.
Part of me likes it, this blitz of feeling
because it turns out I’m masochistic
like that and feeling a pinch dead
gets boring after awhile. Creeps
up on you like an unwanted flat-
mate on a sock by sock flit
to your only spare room and you didn’t
even notice for the cupcakes.
But granted, everybody’s different.
Did you know that the worst
time to have a heart attack
is during a game of charades?
Demetri Martin said that.
A few weeks ago I wouldn’t
have laughed.
Yesterday I did.
It was like someone tried to bury me in the snow.
I woke up.
I shoveled for half an hour.
Snow is dangerous.
I hope I don’t die.
Panicking.
I could have a heart attack, heart attack.
But I made it inside to make hot chocolate.
Heart attacks don’t let you go back inside.
I grab gloves.
Yes, that helps my frozen fingers.
If snow was all there was, I would make a million snowmen.
And they would be friends.
Like she was.
The wind starts blowing snow around.
Look outside, look outside.
The snow hides the grass.
Then the dirty snow hides under new snow.
Her car is collecting snow in the junk yard.
It was the third time it had snowed this winter.
Then the fourth.
Then the fifth.
It never melts, just turns into ice.
I wish I liked a lot of ice in my water, so I could drink it all up.
But that could never be.
It will continue to snow.
Until everyone else is buried too.
I am a fancy cat with patterns on my back.
My tail is pretty, I am sharp as a tack.
Better clear away, stand away, Mo and Mack.
Up close you might see my beauty and have a heart attack.
Mo and Mack were not amused in the least.
The conceitedness that comes off of this little beast!
Don’t forget we are your parents, they told fancy cat.
Better speak to us with respect. If not, there’s the mat.
I blew a kiss in the air
It landed on a lady fair
It caught her quite unaware
She slapped my face and pulled my hair
Then I tried it once again
This time landed on her chin
She gave me just a little grin
And kicked me hard in the shin
The last one landed on her crack
Guess I didn't have the knack
Thought I'd have a heart attack
When she finally kissed me back
a noose please said the persnickety goose.
hop owner queried “a hanging dog noose?”
I will be hanging a hog, but please yes.
was this a murder? Did the goose just confess?
shop owner was a butt-insky from way back.
dialed 911..........they did not have a heart attack.
“People kill hogs all the time, sell goose the noose.”
By then goose had escaped the cage and was running loose.
There are loves that invade you
Falling on you like a comet
That falls on you like a rainbow
gone mad
You think
Am I crazy
Am I crazy?
You even think you're gonna have a heart attack
I've gone mad
Two hearts beating in one body
I'm a fool
Never would you have imagined it possible
Can two waves in an ocean
can soothe such a feeling
so obvious
so impossible
I think I'm crazy
That it's better to flee far away
to the open sea, that silent promise
That one lunar day or one solar night
Two hearts will meet
to savour
A few drops of wild water
I want to be crazy
Her constant blathering drives me crazy as I drive her to the doctor.
Gossip about the neighbors, her pastor, her bridge club ladies.
I am driven to the end of my frayed patience
My driving is sporadic and erratic, and I want to blame her.
Yet I know it is because I left my thumb drive on the table
My new puppy has probably already swallowed it.
This woman has six children, so why am I always the driver?
WATCH OUT! She screams.
I almost have a heart attack.
What is she seeing that I have missed.
Sorry, she says. I guess it was one of my floaters.
I have no words. But I know I will continue driving her
For in the role of my mother she drove me to a plethora of places.
Your driving is great, she says, trying to apologize.
I am driven to forgive her.
Experiencing the dreaded silent scream again.
Doing my best to holler out my anxiety.
I may have a heart attack I think.
My heart is racing like it just lost the Triple Crown.
Fear has me incapacitated.
This nightmare is perpetually long.
I cannot handle much more of it.
I have a stern talk to my imagination upon awakening.
You are going to kill me for real! I warn her.
She smirks, gloats, and flits away, ignoring my requests.
Reminding me of my children.
I attended a wedding where the bride and groom were giggling
Everything seemed to be a secret between the two of them.
They looked way too young to be married, and they probably were.
I was the mother of the bride, and I thought she was too young
Even though she was five years older than I had been when I married
My husband kept saying how much he wanted to get out of there
But we were stuck up front, because we were the parents so we stayed
The reception was terrific. My sister kept telling me to stop dancing.
She was afraid at my age I might have a heart attack.
We are the same age, we are twins. I thought this was hilarious.
I may have overdone it. I was hospitalized three days later.
For pneumonia; it was the coldest weather I had ever seen.
We had to leave our daughter in Omaha, with her new family.
We are glad now. For we have six darling grandchildren
And a son-in-law who has taken great care of our baby.
If you can, go to a wedding where the bride and groom are giggling.
I have no more inside to give...
it doesn't seem to matter how i live.
i feel i have nothing left to believe in...
although sometimes i feel like i might win.
No expression on my face...my joy is gone without a trace.
My heart it beats just like a drum...
but deep inside my bodies numb.
You say i shouldn't feel this way...
i have no interest in what you say.
I take two steps forward...then slide ten back...
i think i may have a heart attack.
I sit and rock...watch T.V....
yet nothing seems to interest me.
Read a book or go outside...
maybe even take a ride.
I think and think...what shall i do?
I could plan a trip to visit you.
All the effort it would take...
I think it would be a big mistake.
So here i sit...an empty shell...
sometimes my life it feels like hell.
P.R. Deremer
The wind chill is 45 below sanity
a snowman has frozen snot
dripping from his 1 carrot nose
but the cold doesn't stop the death toll
in my sweet home Chicago.
27 dead across the Midwest.
Frozen solid in the echoes of their final steps.
A snow-shoveling heart attack took out a vet
who did three tours in Iraq.
My neighbor kept me awake, wielding a leaf blower.
To whisk away little puffs of snow.
He knows I work the graveyard shift.
But tomorrow I'll give him my happy hello.
He's on permanent disability, drives a nicer car than me.
He's the one who rolled a snowman into form despite his bad back.
Clever little mother#%$&*$
He'll never have a heart attack.
There's a variety of starvation and riots.
Thirteen wars going on at present.
But the primetime gossips are obsessing about.
Trump's big orange belly and wispy hair...
Mercifully, they cut to a Kotex commercial.
It's a good time to coffee up and take a piss.
I've got a very serious case of the polar vortex blues.
I went to a cheese and wine party on Saturday,
where huge platters of cheese were on display.
There was Gorgonzola and creamy white Brie,
I devoured huge chunks with a glass of Chablis.
Danish Blue, Mozzarella and Swiss Emmental,
of course I had to try a sample of them all!
I declined Edam and Gouda, I find them too waxy -
and the last time I ate them I was sick in the taxi!
Soft creamy Camembert and blue Roquefort,
went down a treat with a glass of vintage port.
Crumbly Cheshire and Cheddar were so divine,
and tasted heavenly with red Beaujolais wine.
I’d chomped through all of the Stinking Bishop,
our hostess had to restock the whole dish up!
Then I munched little cubes of Monterey Jack -
if my doctor saw me he’d have a heart attack!
When our host carried in a blue Stilton in a truckle,
I loosened a notch on my now straining belt buckle!
I admit blue cheese can smell like men's sweaty socks
but ripe Stilton and crackers, this cheese simply rocks!
Write a poem about Cheese Contest
Sponsored by Barry Stebbings
FICTION POEM FOR CONTEST
11/12/18
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