Long Have a heart attack Poems
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Her constant blathering drives me crazy as I drive her to the doctor.
Gossip about the neighbors, her pastor, her bridge club ladies.
I am driven to the end of my frayed patience
My driving is sporadic and erratic, and I want to blame her.
Yet I know it is because I left my thumb drive on the table
My new puppy has probably already swallowed it.
This woman has six children, so why am I always the driver?
WATCH OUT! She screams.
I almost have a heart attack.
What is she seeing that I have missed.
Sorry, she says. I guess it was one of my floaters.
I have no words. But I know I will continue driving her
For in the role of my mother she drove me to a plethora of places.
Your driving is great, she says, trying to apologize.
I am driven to forgive her.
I'm a criminal and my name is Doctor Claw.
I'm very mean and I've broken every law.
Most people haven't seen my face and they'd better hope they never do.
I'm so ugly that if you see my face, you'll have a heart attack and it will kill you.
I recently learned that Inspector Gadget doesn't foil my crimes, I'm defeated by his niece.
She and her damn dog are the ones who defeat me, I won't rest until they're both deceased.
Chief Quimby is an idiot and he deserves to have those notes blow up in his face.
A part of me wants to give up crime because being defeated by a child is a disgrace.
(This poem was inspired by the Inspector Gadget cartoon.)
The residents slowly amble
toward the buffet,
some using canes or walkers,
a few sitting on scooters,
others standing,
schmoozing, joking, laughing.
Dinner is the social hour
in senior living food
a common subject
conversation not momentous
who won at cards family
medications the weather
A murmur and peaceful
burble of many voices until
suddenly a high-pitched wail
an ambulance yellow lights aflash
rounds the corner and
stops.
Blue jackets rolling bed
medical kits EMTs quick-step
toward the elevator
return someone is lying flat
people crane their necks
which friend had this bad luck?
Did someone fall again?
have a heart attack?
but maybe
it’s nothing serious
they’ll be back tomorrow
(thinking it could be me)
In senior living
people go to the hospital
stay a while come back
or not
friends leave for assisted living
become forgetful
move to memory care.
We live with the impermanence
of the permanence of our reality
we grieve for lost friends,
but we keep on loving caring
living every day to the fullest
because we all travel the same road.
There is lousy luck at a slot machine.
We play roulette after blackjack.
The table games are just as mean.
Below the dealer’s ace, there is a jack.
Bet on red, but it comes out black.
Lady Luck disappears this day.
It looks as if she’s hit the sack.
Why did we come down here today?
The summer is a pleasant as I have seen.
Tourists come to this town in an attack.
But you would prefer the casino scene.
The winds are keeping our ship aback.
Lower and lower goes each chip stack.
Seven-out at craps makes me say,
“common sense is what most people lack.”
Why did we come down here today?
The situation we’re in is hardly serene.
Today, I am hardly taken aback.
My wallet is holding less and less green.
Our express train has gone off the track.
Whatever happened to your gambling knack?
It appears as if it’s gone away.
I just hope I don’t have a heart attack.
Why did we come down here today?
Right now, I can’t even afford a snack.
I know we’ll be back again some day.
What I went through, most guys can’t hack.
Why did we come down here today?
By the time you read this
You may think I’m insane
But I have to lay it out
So you can see it clear and plain
My wife, my true love,
Her name is Jane
She is perfect in every way
And just as insane
She has the qualities that
Every man would desire
But to her I am the only one
That she wants to admire
You think J Lo’s figure is somewhat tasty?
And her main feature, to men would be her ass
But my Jane excels and makes J Lo look cheap
Jane’s ass and perky breast, Ooh Lord, they have class
She loves me like a miser loves money
She drips with sexuality, sweeter than honey
Oh this woman of mine almost broke my back
Six times I thought I was going to have a heart attack
So you may say get a life
But this is my tribute to my sexy wife
She is, everything to me
She is the sister of Glen
My good, my best imaginary friend
I went to a cheese and wine party on Saturday,
where huge platters of cheese were on display.
There was Gorgonzola and creamy white Brie,
I devoured huge chunks with a glass of Chablis.
Danish Blue, Mozzarella and Swiss Emmental,
of course I had to try a sample of them all!
I declined Edam and Gouda, I find them too waxy -
and the last time I ate them I was sick in the taxi!
Soft creamy Camembert and blue Roquefort,
went down a treat with a glass of vintage port.
Crumbly Cheshire and Cheddar were so divine,
and tasted heavenly with red Beaujolais wine.
I’d chomped through all of the Stinking Bishop,
our hostess had to restock the whole dish up!
Then I munched little cubes of Monterey Jack -
if my doctor saw me he’d have a heart attack!
When our host carried in a blue Stilton in a truckle,
I loosened a notch on my now straining belt buckle!
I admit blue cheese can smell like men's sweaty socks
but ripe Stilton and crackers, this cheese simply rocks!
Write a poem about Cheese Contest
Sponsored by Barry Stebbings
FICTION POEM FOR CONTEST
11/12/18
There’s a party tonight so I bouffe up my hair
Pamper and powder my sweet derrière,
Arrive at the door, all done up to impress.....
Oh man, I forgot! Invite said “fancy dress”!
Pete and Sue are here, seems their theme’s ‘Tarts and Vicars’,
Sue’s skirt’s microscopic! Look at her tiny knickers!
Pete’s in a nun’s habit; the image is scary,
I’ve not seen a nun with a chin that’s THAT hairy!
And there’s Spider-Man! (although I’m perfectly certain,
His cape is made out of his living room curtain),
His curve-hugging costume’s quite “cosy” in size,
I think our friend Spidey gobbled too many flies!
In the corner, a lady has come as Snow White,
Gee, her bosoms are out there, her corset’s so tight,
They look like two bald heads squeezed into a sack,
Glad my hubby’s not here - he’d have a heart attack!
In the hallway, a robot is looking well-oiled -
Her costume’s made out of three rolls of tin foil,
She looks more like a turkey at Christmas, so later,
I really hope no one is tempted to baste her!
By the buffet, Fred Flintstone is looking contrite,
I think he and Wilma are having a fight,
Behaving all “caveman” has got Fred in trouble -
He showed his big man-club to poor Betty Rubble!
There’s a massive man-baby dressed just in a nappy,
The “milk” in his bottle has made him quite happy,
He’s shaking his tooshie and sucking his dummy,
And asking a lady, “can I call you Mummy?”
On the sofa is Princess Fiona from Shrek,
Blimey, Count Dracula’s nibbling her neck,
I avert my eyes to avoid his rising passion,
In walks his wife, and his face turns quite ashen.
His irate wife’s dressed up as pop singer Cher,
In her see through outfit she looks almost bare,
Then she lays into Drac just like Rocky Balboa -
She’s drunk as I skunk, I’m relieved I don’t know her!
Suddenly, Batman bursts through the door,
In his skintight costume - my jaw hits the floor!
He’s so muscular - bulges in all the right places,
If I play my cards right, could be me he embraces!
Well sadly I haven’t a costume of course,
Til I spot a young chappie dressed up as a horse,
I leap on his back - I’m a great improviser -
Strip off and shout “Hey I’m Lady Godiva!”
Collaboration between Jan Allison and the amazing Nina Parmenter
3/17/18
If I said you had a beautiful body
Would you hold it against me, sweet lady
What an opening line that would be
Guarantees you a slap, there matey
Why is it so hard for women to find men
That are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because they usually already have boyfriends
Specially if they're also good at cooking
The difference between a husband and a dog
The dog still gets excited to see you
Sometimes I have to reintroduce myself
To my wife, “hi, we're married, we two!”
My birth certificate was a letter of apology
Dad got from the condom company
Let my mind wander and it didn't come back
That's no reason to get all uppity
The very worst time to have a heart attack
Is during a game of charades
Gotta hope you're really good at the game
And they call 911 before you fade
Okay here's one last giggle, hope you like it
Finally had to stop drinking because
Got tired of waking up in my car driving 90
Followed close behind by the fuzz
© Jack Ellison 2015
That goofball husband of hers brought her to this joint to see her get drunk for the very first time. She actually plugged her nose trying to sip her first glass of beer. Good grief. 20 minutes and she barely finished it. She walked to the restroom and I felt her teetering just a little bit. She likes the feeling though, I can tell! I sure liked it when she started boogying to the beat of the band on her way back to the table. Too bad Mr. dingbat won’t ever dance with her. She keeps tapping her hands on the table to the rhythm of the music. That’s why I have to write so slow. . . .
Now she’s tryin ta drink another beer but she can hardly stand it an her husband sez come on don’t ya wanna know how it fills ta be drunk? She says well at list I fill buzzd now. . .
The nice buzz wore off. It’s at least an hour later. She and hubbie got this idea to go to the liquor store. First time she ever went to one. She thought maybe brandy would taste better so then she could drink something stronger and know how it felt to be drunk. Brandy sounded sweet and fruity to her. Boy was she wrong. She took a little taste and it burned going down. That stuff sucks just like the beer. . . .
Wow she jus finisht tha hole boddle rily fast lik mebbie ten minuts ago so she kud fil drunk an she put me down ta finnish tha boddle in one shot now she kant evin kip her eyez opun UH ohhhhhhh
Epilogue: The preceding narration was based on actual fact. Upon consuming an entire bottle of brandy in less than ten minutes, "she" immediately passed out, and I recall she awoke in the morning having forgotten everything that transpired once she fell asleep. Furthermore, when she went into the bathroom the next morning and saw some flecks of vomit on the walls, she was quite amazed. Why? Because she had no recollection of throwing up, and she realized her goofball husband had actually attempted to clean up a mess in their house for the first time in their young married life!!!
By the way, Jenny, if you happen to be reading this, Shhhh. Please do not tell her other sisters. It would surely get back to you guys’ mother, and your poor upstanding church-loving mom might have a heart attack to hear of her daughter’s one transgression with the devil’s brew! Sincerely, Her Sober (albeit sometimes fanciful) Pen
Could one learn what romantic fever is?
All I knew was my miserly uncle
With whom we were living,
Fell suddenly in love.
Still he held on tight riches.
Ah, but Juliana, oh wonderful Juliana,
Never missing a hiccup of grace,
Somehow managed to purloin from him
Lovely presents that delighted
Her scheming and wanton heart.
But then who cared or bothered?
We were all madly in love with her,
Those turbid humid days.
Juliana took us all to picnics
Much to our youth's delight.
Yes we all were in favor of our uncle,
That he begot a wife,
Juliana mesmerized us.
For did she not make us happy,
With all those gifts she gave us
Behind my uncle's back?
To her we were just baby dragonflies
Captured in fancy colored bottles,
To be indulged in and left astray,
Maybe picked up some later time
As if a schedule had evolved
In her gracious mind.
I often wondered what was best
If not to tell my uncle all she spent.
I had a sneaking feeling
His heart was leaking fine.
Would he have a heart attack
And have Juliana all for us?
Who could tell?
He might turn us out into the barn.
His heart strong and full of fortitude,
Would not I be killing the golden goose?
So I held my tongue.
And we all suffered from hay fever
As we trudged in secluded fields
Frolicking in the new cut hay
Or tumbling on the grass in meadows gay,
That pleasant spring when
My miserly uncle married away.
10 October 2021
Placed 1
''R'' Contest, New or Old Poetry Contest
Sponsored by: Constance La France