A gradually setting sun,
In denial for night to fall,
A frightening eternity, despite the attempting stars.
Returning presence of despair,
concludes absence of the light.
Ominous signals from the receptor of a pseudo reality
That there’s no more collagen left to repair
To hold your heart back together;
to deem you warm
For those whom the sun will rise for,
for those who see the stars
Hate them.
The stars are dead anyway
Your biggest star appears to be, too
Some find comfort in the cool wind
But you know,
you’ll forever be in this blizzard
The cracks of a voice spill as your head rests on my shoulder
As I face forward,
and your eyes, behind me.
Our arms wrapped one another,
you dig for the warmth
although it is already surrounding you
But you’re in the glaciers, now
The receptor proves to remain on cooldown
For I, am an attempting star.
open excited joy
singing dancing playing
passion enthusiasm depression fear
whining dwelling wallowing
closed apathetic
despair
I DESPAIR
I despair
Was sorrow
Led me to your knee
My cheek won quiescence
Though my heart
A hunted hare
Did not share this stay
My courage once true
Has beat a hurried retreat
Your eyes I would not provoke
My undressing
To cast upon the wounds
I champion here
And I despair
Resolute, my devotion
My soul conquered
A driven stake
Flies your standard clear
To know another bested me
Without need of staff or blade
The formality a duel declared
Will curse my name
Now must I bear
Through bloody battle
Through weary journey
Was your heart
Not metal plate
Blessed me safe
Your sleeve held near
Nights I could not wait
And I despair
Your silence is my shame
Your tear has drowned
A flame I know we share
And I despair
Goodbye my favorite forever
Eternal fragments lost in abstract soup de jour
Our handshakes full of tremors
When the memories rain it's sore
My heart in freefall, falling up and out, forever's too soon
The paragraph on the backs of pictures stabs the point home
Skeletal strangers with nothing left to prove
The distance signals in real time leaving the breadcrumbs of
jarred hearts, painted candied hearts and Pacman ghosts in slow pursuit
The light of pumpkin eyes, rhythmical in pursuit of boyish daydreams
Girlish looks of starving hearts depreciated, are less than pennies now
Parting words circled in funny papers still shaking with regret
When you see me in the folded memories
Just know you're not alone
Your light smiling on in the hollows of my eyes
Smiling in hindsight begging you to come home
Begging me to be brave
Goodbye my favorite forever
You're my long way out
In fading and in passing
Set me a long way down
No one is home.
The address is returned to sender.
The user you desire to speak is no longer available.
To send a numeric page please press five now.
Ferment in the waiting room of life.
The catacombs of the mind are empty.
From the grave they will not rise.
The life you once knew is now fleeted.
You're out of time.
Exhale. Inhale. Exhale again.
False memory is not gospel.
Queue the piano, and bring in some coffee to go.
Crack a smile.
Adjust your tie.
Goodbye.
Time flies by slowly, steadily... it is like
there is nothing worth rushing for.
Yet every second feels suffocating,
every minute feels longer than the previous.
Waiting slowly kills the feeling
of everything that might, for an instant,
make the day brighter.
Counting the passing days one by one,
suddenly the way it used to be seems
extremely far, distant.
The angst is pulling at every nerve,
playing with every thought,
that perhaps all there was
is slowly going to fade away.
Yet a promise, a few words shortly said,
keep my heart surprisingly at ease.
My sanity strains to survive,
but what can I do,
when all I long for is
to hear your voice.
Filicide is a thing most people
Would rather not think about.
And until this past month
Would rarely even talk of.
Now it’s on everyone’s mind.
They say there are “only” 150-200
Such cases a year in America,
But that doesn’t seem like only a few to me!
The fact 71% are committed by the mother
Also stays beneath the mainstream radar.
I guess we just don’t want to know,
But it’s right there in our face
In our myths and legends and personal stories
(I know I was intimidated by my mother
growing up, always aware she held the true
power and control in the home
and even some degree of omniscience,
and I’m no Sleeping Beauty or Snow White).
Just look at the number of children mothers kill
Before they are even born
(more than a million per year!).
Does that qualify as an epidemic?
An epidemic of what?
Confusion and convenience,
Anxiety and despair,
And above all selfishness.
After all motherhood
Is the ultimate act of selflessness
A doorway of no return.
Which reminds me of all those children.
Now that the sanctity of motherhood
Has been disgraced and debased
Are apple pie and baseball next?
(9/4/26)
BURYING BRAIDED DESPAIR
AND RESURRECTING ASCENDING HOPE
Last night’s dream,
Was as if that sneaking nightmare, despair;
Always teasing the unaware mind
In a wandering, flowing stream:-
Rising today, I took strands of despair,
And braided them into hope-plaits;
I then took those plaits and buried them:
Tears watering their graves:-
Hope budded and blossomed,
As petals of audacious faith glistened:-
And in the bright sunshine of the new dawn’s dawning,
Meadows of forget-me-not also bloomed; and in fields of ourstory,
Butterflies feasted on encouraging truth, rather than lying history;
Cocooning hope now hangs on my mind’s branches of time:-
The hearts I have broken,
The wealth I have lost,
The mess I have made,
It is like I have been living for 300 years.
Oh! The heart is crying out,
the soul guilty, my mind racing,
hopelessly, knowing amendments won't be granted.
I am the lost son of the lost hope,
Sliding on a sea of complications,
Wishing to fly with my fins, dreaming of clouds
but there are always new clouds above the clouds.
Unsatisfied, I learn to laugh.
I laugh with my fellow fish
who learned to draw breath above the sea,
and who stopped crying under the wetness.
I rejoyce, for I am the son of the wind,
blowing away merily but briefly,
no matter how much I carry on my path
I will one day cease and be lost,
remambered shortly then forgotten forever.
Genie, old genie, grant me a wish.
I wish life would get better than this.
For a fortune in happiness,
A lifetime of bliss.
Any life would be better than this.
Dust collecting on the bottle,
My wish so simple, so pure.
Surely it wouldn’t leave me craving more.
Shackles of life,
Ruins in shambles.
You and I are the same—
I, the bottle.
You, the dust.
Trapped.
The feeling of hopelessness and despair,
Trapped by memories
I can no longer outrun.
The loneliness settled like dust,
Covering the dream that once was.
Please grant my wish,
For it is not a long list.
I waited for magic,
I waited for change.
But the dust kept falling,
And the bottle stayed the same.
Scared Mary,
Unprepared Mary,
Incomprehensible yet strangely legible,
Outside of the box in isolation Mary.
New Mary,
Old Mary,
Realities are a kaleidoscope,
Always big vision and big picture seeing Mary.
Spontaneous Mary,
Boring Mary,
Gifted the role of everything and nothing,
Multidimensional experience Mary.
Cyclical Mary,
Unpredictable Mary,
Goggles ethereal with physical on the side,
So strange and unable to be normal Mary.
Selfless Mary,
Selfish Mary,
Fiercely loving and Protective to a fault,
Contradictory and human at best Mary.
Celibate Mary,
Desperate Mary,
A Biological Divine combination,
Big impact but small blip in wider space Mary.
Longing for faith, my soul beneath the veil in grief did pine,
Till Thou didst teach that Grace alone bestows this gift divine.
Nor can repentance bear its fruit, nor contrite tears impart,
Except Thou cast perfect brokenness into the sinner's heart.
In showing me the true beginning of the way to Thee,
Thou humbledst Thyself unto hell's lowest deep;
The fearful gulf yawned wide beneath my wandering feet,
Yet Thou Thyself – the only Way – dost safely keep.
Thy Grace alone sustaineth whom the deeps would claim;
Thou stayest him that else were swallowed in despair.
Thou askest nought but tears in true repentance' name,
And mind made new by holy change and faithful prayer.
From Thee all things receive their life, their breath, their being;
Thou bringest forth from hell, corruption, passion's night;
Revealing purity no mortal thought can compass seeing,
And givest Living Water, lest the seeing soul should die.
May each inhale be Thy cold fire –
Ineffable, unseen, without beginning,
Unchanging, deathless, never to expire,
Intangible, yet all my being filling.
Blessed love can never be despair,
For the Creator knows the heart’s hidden prayer—
Even words the lips refuse to bear.
The thoughts of men are fleeting, vain,
Chasing dust, a dying flame.
But Heaven’s law stands firm, untamed—
Like stars in a soul unstained.
Nothing is darker, nothing as dire,
As spurning the light of God’s own fire,
And calling truth a fleeting shade
That leads where all is lost, unmade.
No horror cuts so deep, so true,
As turning from the light that’s due,
Embracing ghosts that fade to black,
And never, ever lead you back.
If the light inside you turns to night,
How deep then is the dark’s embrace?
When trust in Heaven’s will takes flight,
A blind man walks in endless waste.
None shall see the gates of Grace
Till the heart is cleansed, unveiled,
Till it turns from its defiant way—
And lets the Light inside it stay.
If my despair can sink ships like a storm,
and my shores are consumed by tidal gloom,
like apples spoiled by a devouring worm,
where rot and mind's decay lead to my doom,
then its poison prevents me from relief
and cure—and the escape from manic death!
This weight of sorrow crushes out my life,
and drains from my lungs God's life-giving breath.
But thou, sweet Rose, restore my soul and joy.
(Grant me your healing grace, your balm, your light.)
If fate grants me one more thing to enjoy,
it is your hand that holds me through the night.
Though life's despair may never quite depart,
I live because you hold me in your heart.
Broken promises, broken heart,
Deep within sears the pain,
I trusted your truth from the start,
Instead you tied me to the train.
Drowned in the waves of feelings chained,
Like falling leaves, I am tossed,
Washed upon the shore, colourless and drained,
Unable to reclaim myself, my freedom lost.
Now every memory feels unstable,
I played by your rules, never fair or just,
Your words now just a bitter fable,
Now my life lies in the dust.
Smile and pretend everything is normal,
Laugh so the tears are disguised,
Withdraw deep within the abnormal,
All my dreams are denied.
How do I rebuild for a future?
How can something broken remain?
Can it be healed with a suture,
Or are feelings hardened by pain?
My life is stripped of all meaning,
Each thought pulls me further away,
No comfort is found in dreaming,
As I disappear a little more every day.
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