Their ma & pa were Eastenders
Blah blah..don’t remember the Blitz
Brash Cockney pretenders..same flash apparel
Let's get our mitts on a stash of Aperol spritz
Dimwits just going on benders
Bawdy tawdry mockney skits
Gits getting off their t*ts
Twits showing off their bits
Who fits?..Identikit Brits..pout
All about the clout of gaudy glitz
Silhouettes of stiletto dancers & handbags
Riff raff as naff as an 80’s cornetto
Perms & permatans..sl*gs..fancy dans in glad rags
Rhyming slang falsetto twang libretto
Chancers on a stag..s*ag nip & tuck hags
Nags of WAGS made up to the nines
Brag after cocaine lines did blag
One snag..look like a dag in drag
All from the fashion label stable
No restraint.. cannot refrain
Grandstand the brands fable
Diadora diaspora ..Fila Villa
With a Pierre Cardin Jardin
Taint just like they do in Spain
Sex..success…the way you dress
Prosecco fizz...getting in a tizz
Gilded specs and builded pecs
Greed and that need to impress
Avoid don't feed this schadenfreude hell
That is indeed called Costa Del ESSEX
Vague words lead poets to heady heights far yonder
If we, like Wordsworth, seek a path to’ wander.’
But words there are whose power is less prolific,
Dwindling fast the more they are specific.
Sententious and meaningful are rhymes
Which great poets have utilized at times
as when a line whose somber end is ‘womb’
finds in the next one that ends with ‘tomb.’
Or when a line that sadly ends with ‘death’
Is cheered next line with ‘heaven’s living breath.’
Poetry, they claim, is vast and universal,
But entry to it so often meets reversal.
Screwdrivers ,it seems, have failed, to join the race
What cruel fate has offered them no grace?
‘Appetizer,’ ‘sliver’ and - oh yes- ‘scuba diver’
Bring little help the shunned screwdriver.
Can rhyming slang yet save the day?
Let’s ask a Cockney on the way.
“Sorry, mate, I don’t know neiver.”
Envoi
If there’s a will, then there’s a way,
An optimist will tend to say.
Is there answer? No chance ismissed,
If we give the ode just one more twist.
I'm looking for your inner soul
The part of you that makes you whole
The essence of you’re being.
I will find it in the things you do
The way you treat a lesser soul.
And the way you love.
The time you give to those without
the words of wisdom freely handed out
your actions not your words.
you don’t speak in rhyming slang
and came up north and gave a helping hand
you’re a cockney with an heart of gold
A diamond in the coal .
Mince Pies
Is also London Cockney Rhyming slang for eyes
So when I look into your mince pies
I fall deep into your beautiful eyes
As they never ever lie
Do they?
DAMO
Jellied eels and pie n mash.
East London Fair, and that’s a fact.
The Dockers hands, and the pearly kings.
Their romance gone, the truth it stings.
The Bow Bells ring, they sound out loud.
Cockney chests, they puff out proud.
Not much left of old world London town.
Inside office blocks our city drowns.
The rhyming slang, used to confound.
It hid the truth, of lies abound.
The gifted few, they understood.
They kept those coppers under hood.
Up the Apples and pears, mind your plates of meat.
Meant up the stairs and watch your feet.
The law never knew, they couldn’t make it out.
We watched their faces and saw their doubt.
The slang we used was not just for fun.
It kept us on our toes, not on the run.
Old London's gone it has changed its face.
For better or worse it's now a different place.
We've had the rough. We've had the smooth.
This place has changed, with times it's moved.
Like or not this is London Town.
The times have changed, but she'll not let you down.
She'll take you in, she'll hold you tight.
Embrace her heart, enjoy the light.
On Thursday my boobies will get squashed
(My armpits will be thoroughly washed)
Can’t use deo or spray
so I’ll whiff on that day
Mammograms show cancer can be quashed
Always makes me smile that my appointment letter comes from Bristol because in cockney rhyming slang ‘Bristols’ is slang for breasts.
9/19/18
This saying is simply divine
“You shouldn’t cast pearls before swine”
Some think they are cool
Then break ev’ry rule
Folk cheating are no friends of mine!
'Porkie Pies' is cockney rhyming slang for lies
11-02-17
My recent encounter, an annual checkup
with blood tests and pressure, my height against weight
are all carried out to check my bits are working
and put back the time where I cross Heaven's gate.
I could tell porky pies* and thus possibly fiddle
the whole diagnosis and how it turned out
but the cholesterol count, and the flab round the middle
meant the nurse wasn't fooled and results held no doubts.
I've got to cut down on the red meats like bacon,
and white meat like chicken has proteins and fat
I thought cheese was OK, but no, I was mistaken
and pastries and biscuits? Forget about that.
So into the future, a healthier lifestyle
me confident now all the boxes are ticked,
you'll spot me, no ignoring the pale looking,boring
guy sat on his own with a celery stick.
( *Porky pies- 'Lies' . Cockney rhyming slang)
A letter from Bristol arrived on my doorstep
I knew its contents would cause me such pain
An invitation for a routine mammogram –
My Goodness …two years have flown past again
I arrived at the breast-screening center
And sat down on a bright lime green chair
The x ray room I soon would enter
I’d have to strip off my pink underwear
The radiologist asked me some questions -
Did I have any worries about my breasts…
I replied they were droopy and sagging
And no longer pert on my chest!
The radiologist laughed at my answer
My humour really did break the ice
We discussed the detection of breast cancer
She listened and was so very nice
It was time for the dreaded deed to be done
Each breast squashed as flat as a pancake
Two images were taken of each compressed one
Good grief my boobies don’t half ache!
A few moments discomfort can detect cancer
Soon the pain was gone from my Bristol Cities
Early detection is really the answer
And in two years they will re squash my titties!
09~23~16
(Bristol Cities is cockney rhyming slang for titties)
A tall giraffe at our local zoo
Got neck ache, (as giraffes often do)
With his neck being so long
The pain was terribly strong
That he couldn’t reach the leaves to chew
The giraffe doctor was quickly called
At the condition he was appalled
He told the staff not to laugh -
Just get giraffe in the bath
So to the bath the giraffe was hauled
Well you can just imagine the sight
The poor staff the giraffe tried to bite!
They got him in the tub
Gave his neck a good rub
Then they tucked him in bed for the night
They were told they must keep his neck warm …
To this order the staff must conform
Staff decided to knit
A long scarf that would fit
It’s now part of giraffe’s uniform!
Animal Antics Contest
Sponsored by Shadow Hamilton
09~05~16
N B The title will be amended after the contest to - 'You're having a Giraffe'
which in rhyming slang means you are having a laugh.
My shoes contain two huge ‘plates of meat’ -
That’s cockney rhyming slang for my feet
My shoes can smell like ripe cheese -
Especially in a hot breeze
Without shoes feet would not be complete!
I like wearing shoes made from black leather
They keep feet dry in inclement weather
Daisy cow no longer moos -
Her hide was used for my shoes
My shoes not hers now walk in the heather!
My shoes contest
Sponsored by Lewis Raynes
08~25~16
Poor old farmer Giles started hobbling
As his painful piles were a wobbling
When he sat down on ice
The relief was so nice
His tush is in need of remodelling
Farmer Giles is Cockney rhyming slang for Piles or haemorrhoids.
31st May 2015
He's caressing my keys, please don't tease
his touch doth make every string sing
For 'The Piano' contest - not placed
(Joanna is rhyming slang for Pi-an-a)
2010
Straight in the dustbin.