The cafeteria hums with a hundred different sounds, While I sit in the noise, keeping eyes on the ground. Fourteen feels small when you’re standing right here, And seventeen’s close, but it feels like a year. He said the age difference makes it a no, A boundary set down where I can't go.
Then his ex and her friend walk over and stare, With a flicker of something unkind in their stare. "So do you know about Riley liking you?" The words drop down like they think it’s brand new. Riley already knows how I feel inside, So why pull a thread where I’m trying to hide?
My throat tightens up, the room blurts into gray, Holding back tears that are fighting to stray. I swallow the sting, keep my head held high, So tired of the games and the half-truth lie. Just wanting someone to say what is real, Instead of making a show of the things that I feel.
I wore my longing like a coat.
Kept the sharpest words in my throat.
I leaned in close; the blues just knew,
I would let them bent notes come through.
Bare boards beckoned worn-out shoes.
Slow feet shuffled with the dues.
One heel circled, one stood still,
As the lights turned round like a windmill.
While the dye brush waited by the wall,
I heard the blank canvas start to call.
I held back each splash just enough,
To leave a white whisper, in the rough.
I let my feelings rise up halfway,
Enough to ache; then to fade away.
My heart was folded, tied up with care,
To glow with all that is left hidden there.
The blue kept curling into the white,
Like the Milky Way deep in a velvet night.
The spiral nebulae all slowly grew—
To tie-dye the sky, with an ancient hue.
The tighter the bind, the brighter the bloom.
Stars need darkness, to brighten their room.
Hold back the colour—let just enough take flight.
Raindrops can teach sunlight to shape its light.
When the last slow glow chorus ends,
Twilight mends what that daylight bends.
One lone blue spark escapes the seam,
Just far enough to light the dream.
Sometimes people tick you off
But do you then attack?
Likely not, for most of us
Are trained in holding back.
Saying what you really think
In every circumstance
Would be like stomping someone’s feet
When you are asked to dance.
Instead, we tiptoe ‘round the truth
Or else don’t say a thing
For honesty is better off,
At times, to not take wing.
It might be very freeing
To express the way we feel
But most of us are too afraid
Of what that might reveal.
*Inspired by the Netflix show “After Life”
With you, this veil spreads
across my face like ice.
Cheeks stiffen, aching
lips pressed together
white as lies.
I hold back words so
they are cooled, blank,
before I free them.
Alone, when I dance,
face soft and my heart burns
in my cheeks; pure
gold, yellow, red —
why can’t I show you this?
Destruction of Me
And my father died, and I had a surgery go terribly wrong,
And I was trying to care for my mom, and Covid became a thing
And the tears gushed and flowed and splashed and rolled down my face,
And I realized that holding back tears had destroyed me.
Holding Back Tears
8/30/21
Liberum Divisa 7 Poetry Contest
When granny was still alive
she used to tell me~
" Don't cry when I die,
for tears are melted salt
that had escaped from oceans;
Spare your tears, spare your salt,
Just sing me a song~
a song I first taught you."
Two decades ago, she bade adieu,
and in front of her coffin,
With eyes frozen,I stood still
holding back my tears~
the hardest thing to do;
It rained in my heart
as I began to sing her,
"Que Sera, Sera ( What ever will be, will be)".
Grandma, whatever will be, will be!
Your love shall dwell in me;
The tears I held back ~
were copious tears
that flowed in my sullen heart.
Now my tears I could hold back never more
Like unceasing cascading stream~
resolutely rushing on
as I stand here~
in front of your tombstone.
18 August 2021
This or That Vol 5 Poetry Contest
Sponsored by Edward Ibeh
4th place
A Brian Strand Informel Poetry Contest
1st place
They laid her in a tomb, only the bagpiper and I.
The Scotsman, with his pipes, played a dreary dirge,
I stood tall, no tears just intense anger.
A haggard breeze flowed around the verdant trees,
Ruffling the dreary flowers that adorned her tomb.
A hit and run: Dead on the spot.
A mad drug addicted driver who killed my lovely wife.
How can I forgive? She was my love.
Thoughts ran amok in my head.
No tears, just revenge.
Seething with anger I bought a pistol.
I searched for him in his stuffy cabin.
Found him in stupor on his smelly single bed.
Took out my weapon, checked bullets.
The smell in that cabin made my stomach lurch.
Could I kill him in cold blood?
Vengeance is mine, said the Lord.
Angrily, I left and threw the gun in a deep lake.
I could only hold back my tears.
17 August 2021
Holding Back Tears
Sponsored by: Edward Ibeh
you raped my soul with just one word
and left behind a big black hole
I was consumed with fast revenge
with just one word you raped my soul
your planet girl from sixty nine
raided in the dark of night
while stars blinked hard then fast
from sixty nine, your planet girl
you fast ignored my age my youth
and trampled on my private room
sledgehammered, old, and fraught
my age my youth, you fast ignored
I did not shed a single tear
dry boned and tired too
a stone replaced my tender heart
a single tear, I did not shed.
Aug. 13, 2021
For Edward Ibeh's This Or That, Vol 5 Poetry Contest
Title chosen: Holding Back Tears
Some
hold back
their tears due
to inner fears.
Knowing their life is bad, will make all sad.
Thinking this, they always smile.They wear mask.
No one can make
out from their
face they're
sad.
If
they try
to resolve
their problem by
sharing, speaking about it, it might end.
Often misunderstandings cause anguish,
talking straight from
heart can bring
peace and
joy.
Don't
hold back
tears, try to
eliminate
them. Find the root cause of tears, change yourself.
~~~
Desires, expectations, attachment cause
pain, tears. Remove
them once for
all from
life.
The
root cause
of tears are
negative thoughts,
with a mere change of mind tears can be stopped.
~~~~~
For :
Edward Ibeh
This or That, Vol 5
I well remember trying not to cry,
It was the hardest thing I ever did
All us graded boys gave it our best try,
In the third class I was the smallest kid
As to homework I was always solid,
I remember so well holding back tears
A paddling was one of my biggest fears,
But I did not have my assignment done
Any excuse always fell on deaf ears,
Believe me, the paddling wasn't much fun!
HONORABLE MENTION
written August 9, 2021
HOLDING BACK TEARS
especially for "This Or That" Poetry Contest
sponsored by Edward Ibeh
It's nine years in a row of continuous crisis
lost in the wilderness of a dry Oasis
on all long bones is the constant emphasis
for a condition which began as Tuberculosis.
The pain and discomfort, too much to bear
she is too ready for the worst to worry and fear
the weather smells nice but will mock and share
neighbours always smile but absolutely don't care.
The body fights just to prove it's a weaker host
medications and herbs, wholly trusted to do the most
yet, her days are numbered, she now communes with a ghost
the traffic light turns red and Earth, no longer her post.
For a forty year old, this shouldn't be the end
I hold back the tears, I cannot pretend
my Aunt's life, God, please extend
all the Angels you have, oh Lord, gather and send.
Counting in weeks, she may not have two more
misfortune slowly acts on eventuality's rumour
a silent killer eats, evident by a weaker femur
a terrible relapse and this time, it's more than one tumour.
9th. August. 2021
This or That, Vol 5 Poetry Contest- Holding back Tears.
Sponsored by Edward Ibeh.
4th Position
It was a dark and stormy night
you could say its "the story of my life"
Sitting in a park watching a plane take flight
Thinking of you and all the strife
Now I sit in dark rooms
while i watch the shadows move
pushing out all my fears
while holding back my tears
Wondering why I see you at night
not in person, its not real life
My heart in pain, my chest isnt right
I really thought you would be my wife
Thinking of how i used to hold you near
And all the joy you brought me was so clear
Now all the good memories are a blur
While I sit in a dark room holding back tears
I didn’t know why on us the sky suddenly fell,
but in the surging storm of '47,
when the country was partitioned,
we got uprooted, and turned into drift wood,
until mother found a distant unsure land
for us to grow, and find life once again.
Times were real hard,
under the shroud of insecurity in an alien land,
and in the sweeping squall of uncertainty,
she toiled for years, and built for us a home.
In her soiled hands she sculptured my life,
and made me what I am today.
A time came when my job forced me
to leave her all alone in the ancestral house.
She won’t leave her home she toiled to make,
but promised she’d come one day, live with me.
That day never came, for she left her old home,
and went away to her new abode.
When she began her last journey,
I was overseas, couldn’t be by her side,
and months later I went to the house she left.
When I met her last she was sitting on a chair,
finding that vacant in the empty room,
I couldn’t hold back my tears.
____________
August 6, 2021
Title chosen : Holding Back Tears
Contest : This Or That, Vol 5
Sponsor : Edward Ibeh
She stood there, holding back her tears,
He was going far, what to do?
She had to keep aside all fears,
Or she would end up feeling blue,
A soldier was going for war,
She stood there, holding back her tears,
Would he come back safe? Her heart tore,
For he was posted at frontiers,
Looking back, recalling past years,
She smiled as she bade him goodbye,
She stood there, holding back her tears,
Her fearful heart stifling a sigh,
The hope of her meeting him soon
Kept egging her on, as life steers,
Each day, she’d pray under the moon,
She stood there, holding back her tears.
07.31.2021
For Edward Ibeh's "This or That, Vol 5" contest
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