There lives a gentleman from Luff
Who walks everywhere in the buff
His weeny is teeny
He calls it his winky
A stump that can't fill a cream puff.
Ladies would be left in despair
But he didn't really care
He got what he wanted
Frustrated, they taunted
And decided give him a scare.
They tied him to an 'lectric chair
Placed electrodes on you know where
They pulled down on the switch
His stump started to twitch
It stood bright like a giant flare
You'd think he would very happy
Making a stump long and snazzy
The women were smiling
The man was now crying
Wink shrivelled, weirdly and badly
From that day he always wore clothes
With women he instantly froze
He's fearful of leccy
Winky is now Becky
And parades in yearly freak shows.
25.07.25
My auntie, who was on vacation
Was lusting for fast fornication
She met a well-hung guy
But her foo-foo’s too dry
She blurted, “It needs lubrication!”
The fella, whose first name was Dick
Said, “Stay put. I’ll be back real quick
I’ll purchase sticky Jell-O
‘Twill turn your foof bright yellow
But ensures my entry is slick!"
The Jell-O lube worked really well
Dick satisfied my Auntie Mel
Next time she needs some lube
She’ll melt a Jell-O cube
Aunt’s shagged out. I think you can tell!
THeir plan - in each oriface pour
some Vaseline, KY and more...
with rings of the bell
they both had to yell,
"Too greasy to open the door."
Hot Bikini
Suzy bought a new bikini for Joe
But the price she paid, he wouldn't want to know
A sexy sheer suit,
expensive, but cute
She's hoping it soon makes his hot blood flow!
Jaw dropping
Martha liked to tan topless at the beach
Soon her phone was ringing and out of reach
She stood up to her dismay,
her rack was now on display
A man's dentures dropped, as she heard a screech!
A Sudden Boost
Dan was ready for a hot summer night
With his new date, wanted to make it right
He took three blue pills,
hoping for some thrills
But with the quick boost he couldn't stand upright!
Each summer I sunbathe quite nude
Onlookers gasp, they think it’s rude
Cos I'll open my thighs
To deter pesky flies
I'm thankful my spouse is no prude!
This summer two nudists got wed:
no clothing was worn, not a thread,
no Mendelssohn played -
(I smirked, I'm afraid)
'The organ is out,' Vicar'd said...
Young newlyweds on a love boat
He mounted her like a wild goat
The up and down motion
Of the stormy ocean
Meant super sex – it got their vote!
An Irishman with a small willy
Was hoping for nookie with Milly
Said, "I'll still make you squirm
with my tiny lil worm"
But Milly said, "Don't be so silly!"
A fella’s promoted at work
His office sign makes people smirk
It reads W. Anchor -
Head overseas banker
His shortened name drives him berserk
Work colleagues all know him as Billy
His parents name choice, was so silly
He's named William Anchor
It fills him with rancour
He's lucky he wasn't called Willie!
A fella with a lengthy willy
Said, “Reduction would be so silly…
“I make all my friends laugh
When it’s used as a scarf
Which prevents my neck getting chilly!”
I’m laughing at Ex boss, Tess Tickle
Once so anti marriage – how fickle
Dick Pickle she’d marry
Though she calls him Larry
Now married she’s Tess Tickle-Pickle
On baby making Tess ain’t shirkin’
They’re bonking and grinding and jerkin’
And soon, sure enough
Tess got up the duff
The baby boy they’ve christened Gherkin!
With my girlfriend in tip top condition
To film sex scenes for late television
She got sick in bed
So I went instead
And was heckled with spiteful derision
Well their laughter had made me feel silly
As I stood there butt naked and chilly
They said, “Get a hair dryer,
Or an electric fire,
For you sure need to warm up that willy.”
The director called three naked geezers
Who he said were real audience pleasers
Then he looked at my lot
And said, “Let’s get this shot,
With my new close up lens… and some tweezers.”
Grabbed a sock and ran home in the nuddy
And I tripped in a field, wet and cruddy
But I’d slipped on the sock
So my girl got a shock
When just one bit of me wasn’t muddy
*
That’s my self respect gone for a burton…
Then the morning sun shone through my curtain
I awoke in my bed
“Only dreaming,” I said
But I took a quick peek to be certain
red rose price rises
faster than flaccid todgers ~
a blooming rip off!!!
There must be a way to enjoy Christmas Day
But not fill my belly with food
Most years I eat till I’m fit to explode
But this year I’m not in the mood
My wife said she thought I might like a hot sausage
Which sounded a little bit rude
She said, “Just try this, it’s so warm and inviting.”
I said, “Now you’re just being crude.”
Impatiently huffing, she suggested stuffing
It seems that my wife is quite lewd
She asked if I fancied some leg or some breast
I kept schtum, which I thought might be shrewd
I gave in and asked for a nice fruity tart…”
And she yelled, “To what do you allude?”
I said, like a chump, “Okay, give me some rump.”
And frankly, I knew I was screwed!
Let’s have a family powwow on zoom.
That way we’ll get to see the new bride and groom.
Six households were ready to teleconference that day.
A dancing parrot with a nasty mouth kind of got in the way.
We had no idea this spoiled bird would be along.
He wore a pirate hat and sang an awfully bawdy song.
The kids thought groom’s bird was hilarious, laughed their tongues out.
What did he say? Grandpa asked, with an enormously loud shout.
The bride was embarrassed by her new husband’s nasty pet.
She said “put him away!” but Grandma Garland yelled “Not quite yet!”
Grandpa's not been interested in anything new since nineteen sixty-three.
A unanimous vote from the rest of us said “let the bawdy parrot be.”
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