Now feeling under the weather,
Don't you hate these winter chills?
I'm off to see Doctor Doctor,
To get the latest, greatest pills.
I wait for an hour or more,
Then I'm shown to a vacant room.
I hear screams and now I'm left,
With the sense of impending doom.
Another half hour I sit,
When at last, he comes busting in.
He has blood all over his smock,
And wearing a menacing grin.
After checking my height and weight,
A test dummy is what I am.
Why are you sliding on that glove?
I don't need a rectal exam!
So I jumped right off the table,
And flew like a jet out the door.
A close call as I drove away,
But I don't feel sick anymore.
I, too, dislike poems.
I’ve tried runes (and rampikes)
but that’s affected
rather than merely effete.
So I call them
figments.
When people query
What do you write?
at a barbecue or birthday party
I say soliloquies,
fractals,
fragments.
Self-similarities,
singularities,
sculptures (scriptures), geometric shapes and series,
three dimensional triangles, spheres
and differential equations,
fractured fairy tales,
Rocky and Bullwinkle,
rectal impactions.
On the other hand,
bits, bots, bytes
remnants, scrap, earth
gobs of phlegm in grains of sand,
shards of glass in a slice of hell,
hunks and clumps, curds and whey, sleet and pain, slap in the face
sub-atomic particles, cell organelles,
chunks of energy, cookie crumbs,
rusty trucks stuck in mud, dustings for ghosts,
just plain dumb luck, rocks, concrete, but not tweets.
Consumed
I remember in poverty,
eating ramen noodles,
daily.
Beans and Weenies.
Meatless sauce
spaghetti.
Rice, Rice, Rice,
without any real
spice.
Bologna Sandwiches.
Hamburger Helper
mixes.
Fried Spam,
and all kinds of meat,
canned.
Hot Dogs on a stick,
burnt to a
crisp.
Catfish from the creek,
yellow belly
meat.
Milwaukee’s Best.
Another broken
promise.
The cheapest smokes.
Always gotta have
those.
Colon cancer, Rectal cancer,
lungs and
brain.
A hole too deep,
at least six
feet.
Same old hole,
no matter where you
grow.
Fannie Strumpet is a flatulent floozy
With each wiggle her rump lets out a doozy
She blows out so much gas
Foul vapor from her a$$
It's asphyxiating and makes me woozy
Fannie lets 'em rip without hesitation
When I point a finger in accusation
She points hers back at me
and laughs saying, "Phew Wee!"
I'm tempted to enact strangulation
I threatened to have the woman arrested
Indecently walking around bare breasted
She farted in my face
Through her panties of lace
I think I was infected and molested
One night Fannie was with a man she'd just met
When she tooted he left, much to her regret
Rectal fumes exploded
He screamed, "You're corroded!"
Her tail expels toxins like a gas jet
Fannie saw a doctor of proctology
She farted without making an apology
She disgusted him so
He said, "Madame, just go.
You're a noxious threat to world ecology!"
I don't fear being assaulted by her smut
She was sued; the case was open and shut
The streets no longer stink
Cuz Fannie's in the clink
For hiding lethal weapons in her butt
October 1, 2021
May the Gas Be With You-Farts Part 2 Contest
Sponsored by Chantelle Anne Cooke
Hello,
my name is Mr. Ratman
I've been injected twice
with an experimental vaccine
get nasal swabbed three times a week
i wear a rag on my face consistently
i get temperature screened
get symptom interrogated daily
i keep 6 feet away from society
i wash my hands until they're
the color of ripened cherries
Now they're talking booster shots
nothing will ever be good enough...
after all viruses by nature never
never walk away from a rave.
Is it really all about global health and well being
or is it about population control and profit
the N.I.H handed the Wuhan lab millions of greenbacks
father Gates was heavy into eugenics-planned parenthood
A rotten apple never falls far from the tree...of death
I just thank our silent God that its not a rectal swab.
Sparus Anus
The rectal Bream
is a wayward Bream
Known to insert into
uncovered channels.
Especially when in
fragrance infused waters.
So women
keep covered.
by a fabric strong.
Or spend a few hours
horizontal face down.
Test icles
Female dog
Oral stimulation
Wood
Rectal insert
Bulb of the vestibule
Raccoon
Box
Ipipi
Del dool
Dike
Cigarette
Akkineni
Mouthification
Analingus
Fornication Under Consent of the King
Fudge factory worker
Gay
Ejacu late
Fleshy folds of skin
Handwarmer
Black person ethnic slur
Pene
Rose thorn puncture
Cono
Strange
Sack
Fecal matter
Promiscuous woman
Pluck
Pecho
Obnoxious person
Faighne
Master Baker
The rectal wind
is a wayward wind.
A wayward wind
that's bound
to wander.
Many of us
were born
above a wayward wind.
When told to, “Pusssh.”
Momma couldn't
keep it in.
Remember Trump's weird physical report
from his doctor.
A doctor have given Trump a physical;
Really awkward, weird and whimsical
Took his temperature using a popsicle.
James Thesarious Hilarious Horn
Retired Veteran and Poet
Dedicated to Akkina.
How about using a popsicle for a rectal
thermometer.
Based on BBC news article "Fart in parliament: Row blows up in Canada"
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-us-canada-38037187
Should our leaders discuss debt?
Under which we toil and sweat
How to tax us? Lots or little?
Or somewhere roughly in the middle?
Do we grow and do they borrow?
Or make a promise vague and hollow
Economic conflagration?
Unemployment or inflation?
Do they reason? Time well spent?
No, they argue rectal scent
Flatus, butt burp, toxic winds
Makes eyes water, nose hairs singe
Rear crescendo, basso bum
Call a ballot 'bout the hum
Referendum! Backside notes?
Use some room spray! Gets my vote!
****, Vaginal or Rectal or Pterodactyl
Thee ae many things that may become fragile;
Either ****, Vaginal or Rectal or else Pterodactyl
So why to the poor only give them a passel?
While rich enjoy living in their ivory castle.
Are always some plays known as razzle dazzle
Over which I presume people get in a hassle
When performance should be on schedule
Or end up in a danger that is perpetual.
At first was abysmal as well as abominable
Became perfect play such a phenomenal
And then later we decently did admire
His igniting team setting them on fire.
Done gingerly lacked hindsight and grotesque
That put the whole team to a turbulent task
Really being rascals like caddy coaches are
Turned each team member into a rising star.
Jim Horn
Dick Burton examining Liz Taylor's rectal sphincter for blood.
That's love.
Sexual love. Pornographic, anthropological, primate love.
* * *
The white pine whispers
What the wind can't say.
In the blowdown there's a slow ballet.
* * *
I am a citizen of the empire.
Moonlight & heartbeat.
Watres pipyng hoot.
* * *
One hawk.
Flying low, scaring crows.
No snow.
* * *
Summer morning, rabbit in my garden.
Let it be or send a warning.
Let the rabbit eat my peas.
* * *
Avoid the I,
Void yourself, and enter the void?
I think not.
This Government is us.
The last time we were this divided civil war began.
Each party must make way for the other regardless of color,
Red, blue, black, brown, yellow or white.
The Demublicants and Repoblicrats thrive on our ignorance.
If they can't reverse their cranial rectal insertion, we can replace them
all.
Money feeds this monster; money buys friends where they count.
Money is not free speech; money buys favors, and not for us.
Our votes are not for sale; my vote is not for sale.
We're Americans, we own this Government, and this Government is us.
Let's take it back and make it work.
Vote.
Easy Elimination of Stupid People Part Three
By Elton Camp
Warnings show how stupid folks can be
As promised, here you have part three
Hershey’s Almond Bar wants you to face:
“Warning, of nuts this may have a trace”
A can of air freshener does tell:
“For use only by trained personnel”
A rat poison is trying to be nice:
“Has caused cancer in lab mice”
In case it is bought by dumb lug:
“Don’t use Silly Putty as ear plug”
Found on a can of deodorant spray:
“Do not use intimately,” it does say
On cough medicine for a kid:
“Don’t drive a car,” it does bid
Found on a package of dice:
“Human consumption isn’t nice”
On a shipment of hammers hollowed:
“May be harmful if swallowed”
On a gun barrel so there’s no excuse:
“Injury or death may come from misuse”
A thermometer makes it exceedingly clear:
After rectal use, to mouth don’t come near”
Fruit Roll-Up warning can’t be beat:
“Remove the plastic before you eat”
On a toilet brush this is seen:
“Do not use for personal hygiene”
Although paraphrased just a bit
Producers, these warnings see fit
I am super sour swimmer,
engaging erectile filler,
lithium under the spinner,
a dancing danger inside of your pinner,
a welcoming rager until it’s time for dinner,
a recreation of Imagination Island while you’re out on your blinker,
a smiling fin-
and a rank and file win,
a serious agitation to your rectal inflammation,
a younger man but not yours to sing flagrant,
a special stew that mom cooked just for you,
a blistering band of E-Heads and Speedy Dreds,
a clear cut forest growing back even more deformed...
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