Best Rectal Poems
I, too, dislike poems.
I’ve tried runes (and rampikes)
but that’s affected
rather than merely effete.
So I call them
figments.
When people query
What do you write?
at a barbecue or birthday party
I say soliloquies,
fractals,
fragments.
Self-similarities,
singularities,
sculptures (scriptures), geometric shapes and series,
three dimensional triangles, spheres
and differential equations,
fractured fairy tales,
Rocky and Bullwinkle,
rectal impactions.
On the other hand,
bits, bots, bytes
remnants, scrap, earth
gobs of phlegm in grains of sand,
shards of glass in a slice of hell,
hunks and clumps, curds and whey, sleet and pain, slap in the face
sub-atomic particles, cell organelles,
chunks of energy, cookie crumbs,
rusty trucks stuck in mud, dustings for ghosts,
just plain dumb luck, rocks, concrete, but not tweets.
Less than twenty-four hours after dashing off a poem
explaining why i wanted to die
found me experiencing physical duress vis a vis,
a bowel movement wherein waste unable to expel
from the anus of this guy
which bout with rectal obstruction
found me doubled over with lower abdominal distress
whereby comfort found me unable to lie
down nor sit upright (with back padded with pillows
against the cellar brick wall),
thus severe bloating a bonus well nigh
and managed to muster the means to bare
frigid arctic vortex aire to purchase
the Acme brand Metamucil, which akin to Drano doth ply
thru the excretory tract supposedly loosening the stools,
which optimism (product didst earn claim to fame) generated a sigh
if that expressed intent to cease LivingSocial would try
humph enjoining this lvii year old married male
to cede victory to the grim reaper, who would vie
as winner de jure to this common fellow invoking libretto
ohm resistant understudy waste not want not
allowing, enabling and providing relief,
without successful defecation
despite the oppressive urge to bolster this Uriah
heap of balled up and tuckered out five foot and ten inches of lovely bones
thence mouthing retraction of former thought to cease existing
though a non-bull lever in any power broker qua mankind
relief at long last provided posterior answered prayer
yet, this scrivener scrutinizes his recurring pain in the ass jagged torture
and asks a rhetorical one word question "WHY"?
Form:
Remember Trump's weird physical report
from his doctor.
A doctor have given Trump a physical;
Really awkward, weird and whimsical
Took his temperature using a popsicle.
James Thesarious Hilarious Horn
Retired Veteran and Poet
Dedicated to Akkina.
How about using a popsicle for a rectal
thermometer.
Hello,
my name is Mr. Ratman
I've been injected twice
with an experimental vaccine
get nasal swabbed three times a week
i wear a rag on my face consistently
i get temperature screened
get symptom interrogated daily
i keep 6 feet away from society
i wash my hands until they're
the color of ripened cherries
Now they're talking booster shots
nothing will ever be good enough...
after all viruses by nature never
never walk away from a rave.
Is it really all about global health and well being
or is it about population control and profit
the N.I.H handed the Wuhan lab millions of greenbacks
father Gates was heavy into eugenics-planned parenthood
A rotten apple never falls far from the tree...of death
I just thank our silent God that its not a rectal swab.
There's a point blank
Just south of Soulsville
where common pit desires exude
extreme ego ratios rotating on human gutlike
socioshadow experientials. Slow slug immuno
pain gestures cloud coilshaped reason
with limited intellirespect ids--only
that lonely by product of talking to
the mime chip on your shoulder clasped
hands in a froth frame of zero quotient
personality tolerance. Socioscan the fluid
flawed internoschism and plug yourself
into those autothoughts so socioprevelant
as to walk away and call it a draw day. Never
the tweens shall resolve. Sharp footsteps
with no meaning will evercast jaded overtone half
with tongues that bite their own limplip droppings
wag wash in cumulative deceit doings.
Drag your dill depths with an ether
grappling hook and sociosoothe your
infection---massage your emo entrails
with an existential ease of a
junk jolt to colon ize another
fecal space of cleansed renewal--like ripping
the tape from a well wound
dancing scales up and down
to a new brainbeating--livid at living
fax a look outside your self and erase
your exit embarassment for a beholding
chance at adding a new socioscore to your
puss life tax deduction. What a rectal return on your
individual invest mint-- ass the rich get raunchier
the poor prey prime evil----sign here, please.
Dick Burton examining Liz Taylor's rectal sphincter for blood.
That's love.
Sexual love. Pornographic, anthropological, primate love.
* * *
The white pine whispers
What the wind can't say.
In the blowdown there's a slow ballet.
* * *
I am a citizen of the empire.
Moonlight & heartbeat.
Watres pipyng hoot.
* * *
One hawk.
Flying low, scaring crows.
No snow.
* * *
Summer morning, rabbit in my garden.
Let it be or send a warning.
Let the rabbit eat my peas.
* * *
Avoid the I,
Void yourself, and enter the void?
I think not.
Fannie Strumpet is a flatulent floozy
With each wiggle her rump lets out a doozy
She blows out so much gas
Foul vapor from her a$$
It's asphyxiating and makes me woozy
Fannie lets 'em rip without hesitation
When I point a finger in accusation
She points hers back at me
and laughs saying, "Phew Wee!"
I'm tempted to enact strangulation
I threatened to have the woman arrested
Indecently walking around bare breasted
She farted in my face
Through her panties of lace
I think I was infected and molested
One night Fannie was with a man she'd just met
When she tooted he left, much to her regret
Rectal fumes exploded
He screamed, "You're corroded!"
Her tail expels toxins like a gas jet
Fannie saw a doctor of proctology
She farted without making an apology
She disgusted him so
He said, "Madame, just go.
You're a noxious threat to world ecology!"
I don't fear being assaulted by her smut
She was sued; the case was open and shut
The streets no longer stink
Cuz Fannie's in the clink
For hiding lethal weapons in her butt
October 1, 2021
May the Gas Be With You-Farts Part 2 Contest
Sponsored by Chantelle Anne Cooke
Oh, damn, I get it, nowhowbrownsowcow-----that it's to be accepted on this site you need to be
the FATTED cow. Low of intellect, yet high on countenance, high on payment
and low on quality! Please forgive my lowly louse langiuse as I plead my
pleb pirrah poetic case in cause $$$$ celeb. RFR? do u take up the capitalistic
crotch clause that payment is prose promised to a clueless culture climaxing in
its own caustic circumsized circus?
Such fecal findings from finger felonies, that use wish words for regal for the future rangling rights to the right rear-renderings, renditions,
thusly l navel nauseous neverthelesses negatings, awkard thimble thoughts.
Try and
get a regal rectal, sorry, reckoning of an inter-rational corporeal capacitical concept of a before u igno/after gnoi and a post graduated spiroscape initiate yours after our
psuedo poetic prowess, upon this site-------swells free of charge if u have half brain
and your wallet in awash in ego endless endeavors that u unengage in urine
intrepid word worn passages of I think I can, when u really can't sorry u suck,
and retry your gloomy gumption as to the positve **** retention given cause u r a
paid prosti soup sister,broth brother, no talent intended. Dreams given an expired
expertise that end clauses into a missed used muse of integral ignorant id
intentions. Sorry for our/your word worn wishful wisdom and not my fault that I can
crea command anall allowance of alphalbet antiques, amiable and accountable in all
annotomical acquired acquatinaces' as you try and make memorable in and of you
sorry, silly, shallow, socialized self, again
no pun intended. Ridicule not want not with not why not get not not. Prelude
your relative innane imagary and sequester your inability to that which is stiffled
well within and garb your you grievance by the gonads, look interpresent and fail
follow yourcreep mismatched mirror of what u compel that works. Call me, I'll tell u
what's what that's that, it's it, nots not and snot is snot. Go blow.
We praise the colorectal surgeon,
Misunderstood and much maligned;
Slaving away in the heart of darkness,
Working where the sun don't shine.
Let's call on the rectal surgeon,
It's a calling we could crave;
Lift up your hands and join us,
Let's all do the finger wave.
When it comes to spreading joy,
There many a sweet techniques,
Some spread joy to all the world,
While others just spread cheeks.
Me thinks the cardiologist,
Needs be the patient’s friend;
But the colorectal surgeon,
Knows he'll get you in the end.
Why do you call a rectal surgeon,
It's one of those mysterious things;
Is it because in that profession,
There are always openings?
When I first met a rectal surgeon,
He didn't quite understand;
I said, "It's nice to meet you,
But do you mind if we don't shake hands.
A doctor he did want to be,
For golf he loved to play;
But this is not quite what he meant,
By eighteen holes a day.
We praise the colorectal surgeon,
Misunderstood and much maligned;
Slaving away in the heart of darkness,
Working where the sun don't shine.
Not mine
slam it to me punk you think you’re so cool
this bald headed old fart will take you to school
you think you’re the first generation to revolt
if you read a history book you’d know that’s a joke
yes that’s a joke
go ahead punk – take a poke
hell i was sitting down in a war protest strike
while guardsmen flexed their muscles and sticks of the night
don’t talk to me about your troubled young fate
until you’ve been through a night like at Kent State
people died there
shot by the man
four college kids killed right where they stand
go ahead shout, curse and be rude
show me your underwear and your attitude
pretend you’re real mean and ain’t scared a nuthin
brag like you think you can beat out my stuffin
i’m an old fart of fifty plus years
i’ve already shed an ocean of tears
i aint got nothing much left to loose
which is what makes me much more dangerous than yous
pain ain’t nothin when you’ve had a rectal exam
you think you can scare me more than the doctor can?
think again
young man
i’ll slam your slam
this ain’t writing
it ain’t exciting
its simply yelling and telling lies of being tough
it ain’t enough
now go write some good stuff
you think this stuff makes you a hero
you think it ain’t conforming to norms?
you’re a real zero
you aint the first
heck you might be the worst
you are just replicating
duplicating
other punks beat you to it
now write a sonnet – if you can do it
you’d be the only punk out on that island
that would make you brave
make you stand out
give you some clout
if you could do it
but you can’t can you
instead you say you’re one of a kind
don’t waste my mind
you think I’m blind
i’ve seen it before
you’re just a slam whore
easy to ignore
i’ll slam your slam
now go jam my jam
repugnant racist republican reviled - rickettsia re:itch ruler.
rapaciously ravaged revered reverential rubric.
radical ruthless renegade rapidly riotously rips rigged ramparts.
refrains retaining remnant redolent regal, resplendent rafters.
riches rudely rupture rooted rectified rights.
ruckus ricochets revenant reign.
ratified rattlebrained rules roil reductionism.
rumbustious rapscallions rollick; render ruinous ramifications.
rusty razor razing revenge rents reprisal.
rabid rectal rictus rotten rebrands re-calibrate.
rambunctious revolutionaries rejoice.
ruffians ride roughshod routing reigning royalty.
reiterate revetting robust recidivist rationality.
ride Rolls Royce relentlessly rendering rock ribbing.
riffraff raconteur raise reactionary response.
revisit rancorous restrictive redlined realigned rightward rivets.
robocop ridiculously rubber-stamped reorganization.
recalcitrant reactors release rapture.
rash Russian roulette reconnaissance raconteurs rack rubles.
red room reflects republican RNA.
rap risible rheumy ratiocinated rug-rats revoke righteous refulgent repertory.
rapier robed robbers ransack reliquary resounding retaliation.
retaliatory redcoat regnum reformation remembered.
Rudy robotically recoiling rapprochement
raison d'être rosily revered rifled relics raffled.
rookie raves ripe rackful rubenesque reliably ranked.
refulgent rotundity requisite requirement re: reappointment.
road-tested, roadworthy redeem reapportion routed role.
reprehensible reassignment rapidly recognizes response.
rife rampage removes respectability - respect.
responsible roused restitution refuted.
risky resultant reconnoitering runaway railroad reverberates rivalry.
reflexive ramrod reaction reconfirms redoubling ridding revitalization.
reconfiguration realpolitik reinstates repudiation
rebooting Roosevelt regime reconsidered.
requisition requires resilient reseeding republic.
regrettable riley roars remorseless ribbing.
rare recount restoring recondite renown reprobate Rapunzel.
Republican representatives rejoice reclaiming reins
registering retarded romantic remains
re: Rastafarian revered reliquary rests!
****, Vaginal or Rectal or Pterodactyl
Thee ae many things that may become fragile;
Either ****, Vaginal or Rectal or else Pterodactyl
So why to the poor only give them a passel?
While rich enjoy living in their ivory castle.
Are always some plays known as razzle dazzle
Over which I presume people get in a hassle
When performance should be on schedule
Or end up in a danger that is perpetual.
At first was abysmal as well as abominable
Became perfect play such a phenomenal
And then later we decently did admire
His igniting team setting them on fire.
Done gingerly lacked hindsight and grotesque
That put the whole team to a turbulent task
Really being rascals like caddy coaches are
Turned each team member into a rising star.
Jim Horn
This Government is us.
The last time we were this divided civil war began.
Each party must make way for the other regardless of color,
Red, blue, black, brown, yellow or white.
The Demublicants and Repoblicrats thrive on our ignorance.
If they can't reverse their cranial rectal insertion, we can replace them
all.
Money feeds this monster; money buys friends where they count.
Money is not free speech; money buys favors, and not for us.
Our votes are not for sale; my vote is not for sale.
We're Americans, we own this Government, and this Government is us.
Let's take it back and make it work.
Vote.
gluteus maximus left and right half moon cheek
re: byte size buttock
attached via usb (uniform firm behind) to this freak
with bowel movement incontinence + gas filled gut
evoking contortionist frown stretching to lowest peak
perched upon porcelain goddess where elimination did jut
held captive hostage atop toilet seat for many a week
exertion to expel rock solid turd required utmost effort
to force jammed bowel movement free
inducing excruciating abdominal cramps that really hurt
plus sharp jabbing spasms within high knee
innards rent asunder from obstruction as BB size PELLETS did spurt
from lodged fecal matter refusing to budge from me
caused by severe constipation whereby prayer a waste
delivered only increased sphincter muscle to scream
for rectal relief this mortal man faced
a worse fate than death, he would deem
since demise would allow alimentary misery to cease
versus remaining in this impasse for what might be years
unless perchance some **** lubricant or special grease
would bust loose abominable constriction in arrears
finding me unable to pay rent or renew lease
best prospect of remaining stationary with words to wax
poetic found a glimmer of luck
when a kind wildebeest delivered this message via fax
to help attend male in dire per situation get poop unstuck
with outsize mug of exlax
to help unclog rectal muck
access to get expunged to the max
but once expulsion occurs DO DO PLEASE DUCK!
Large hemorrhoid piles
obstruct waste evacuation
Evoke toilet time howls
In flat rectal production