i overdosed for the first time last night
all the times i spent trying before
didn't seem as bad anymore
i laid in bed trying to sleep
hoping this would be the time
my eyes stayed closed forever
but i was held awake against my will
deep in my brain,
i knew something was wrong
even if this is what i've been wishing for
for so long
in the past i managed to fall right to sleep
when i took less than i did now
i wanted to be swept into dreamland
but the wheels in my brain kept turning
and my body did too
flipping back and forth
trying to be in a comfortable final position
i kept getting hot
no matter how little blanket i had on
and the wave of nausea hit
i thought i could be fine
go to sleep, make it all go away
all of it
but as i rushed into my bathroom
at four in the morning
i knew tonight wouldn't be the night
as my head hung over the toilet
i wondered why i'm forced to stay
reliving the same treacherous days
without anyone knowing
because how do you even bring that up?
to someone?
i don't know why this world is so adamant
to keep me here, held captive as a prisoner
is this karma?
what did i do that was so bad?
to deserve this?
The morning after I tried to die was just like any other. My Grandmother called me from the kitchen, alarming me that I had slept-in too late. My face was puffy in my eyes, cheeks and lips. My body was fatter and more stocky. My color was all-well returned back to my head, with my nose a bright red. I had taken most of the pills in my prescription bottle, surprisingly nobody noticed the amount of them that were missing. Even though I was breathing, I have been dead for months.
The morning after I told her I was better off nowhere, in the thirty degrees heat, I left. I figured it made no matter where I found myself in the world anyways, for I was just a problem made of atoms.
The morning after he told me he loved me I took his blindness and handed it to Jesus, Jesus healed him like he did the others, and suddenly he was just a boy who had said three words he’d never mean.
The morning after the dog left, I saw his footprints embedded in the living room carpet like cement. I saw him moaning and crying at the door like the ghost he was, begging to come back.
The morning after I woke up, I wish I had not. But that's just life.
Spring Hiku
spring flowers in bloom
lavender scent r
e
a
c
h
my nose…
it`s an overdose.
Toppled by a bottle, collapsed upon
her painful past, asleep—but well awake!—,
unmoving, but for her mind stirred aquake,
the girl is yawning before her black dawn.
Alone, couched by a burning blanket drawn
over a conscience guilty at the stake,
slipping into the sly hands of the snake,
she sees not clearly the sickening con
which lures her slowly to her deathly state.
Unknowingly, she’s dozing, edging deeper
into the dreamrealm, into the hazy
murk of the promised land.
Her name was Daisy—
until, unexpected, said the reaper,
“Poor thing… if only you could now change fate.”
My Josh
3 years? How can so much time pass without leaving a trace? I see the effects of father time, on my face, your mother, and your friends. But doesn't the one who matters most get the privilege of growing old?
3 years! My brain knows a cruel secret that my heart refuses to accept. My eyes are waiting for the day you walk back through the door. My ears are waiting forever for that stupid little thing you used to call me.
3 years. How can a mind rest when our last goodbye was never said and I am still left wondering; Can you hear a heartbreak?
can't be mad at ya
cause we've come too far
you chose your life's path
shooting dope with no mask
you shoulda known
but you didn't care
like me drinking everywhere
but the fentynol got to you
trying to sneak into heaven
but heaven aint for the blues
it aint for people like me and you
I'll have a hole in my head but
I'll see you in purgatory at the end
you were my best friend
miss you so much aint fictional
but we will be between heaven n hell
how did we do so well
I'll see all the lost friends
and what nonsense can exist
in the abyss
I feel like I'm on the precipice
of a greater calling
but for now I'm stalling
for death's hand is still on me
soon we will all be free
from the bonds that be
cs
I’m not overdosed by medicines
I have been overdosed by your love
Oh! Sorry! by your SMILE
I felt the pain as the needle went in.
It quickly faded as my journey began.
No one could sense the loss of my senses.
Walking the clouds with feet on the ground.
Time slowed down like babies crawl.
My eyelids carried the full weight of life.
Coursing ever down into the abyss.
The door closed with my final breath.
I am no more!
Leading with your heart
I know what I should not do;
The unspoken rules
that I am good at bending;
Impossible overdose.
The cool, blue tiles at the Center were a soft memory of downtown
Where my mom and I once picked red flowers from bushes on Christmas
There was a time when she decided to take me to the Center for lessons.
Coming out of the stall in the bathroom
I saw a body lay across the floor
I wasn't sure if they were alive so I ran out without checking a pulse
I was only twelve or so and I found someone and told them about it
I spent a long time wondering if they were diabetic or overdosing.
I tell myself I’m fine,
That i know how to get through,
But the fear is suffocating,
Because I know my words aren’t true,
I tell myself I’ll make it,
Just hold on a little more,
As I pull the needle out,
Curled up dying on the floor.
LIVING WITH THE STRUGGLE OVER LIVING LAVISHLY
ITS LOYALTY OVER ROYALTY IS MY STATE OF MIND
WHERE TIME KEEPS PASSING BY RAPIDLY WITH THIS
HATE FOR SOCIETY I FEAR SOBRIETY NEGITVITY PULLS
MY IN LIKE ITS GRAVITY KEEPS ME IN IM SCREAMING
KEEPING ME IN SO I KEEP IN SCREAMING.
BEEN LIVING MY LIFE ASRTAY ROLL THE DICE YOUR GONNA PLAY
FORGETTING THIS LIFELESS EXISTANCE FOR THE SUBSTANCE
GAIN CONTROL OF MY COINCENCE IS NOW MY GUIDENCE
THIS DOENT MAKE NO SENCE IV LOST MY PATIENCE
MIGHT OD IF I GOT THE CHANCE MIGHT OD IF I GOT THE CHANCE
THERES NO HOPE THAT THE HIGH WOULD LAST.
He buys his drugs just to get high
Never thinkiing he might die.
He pays his money takes the dope;
He still believes--this is his hope.
He's nineteen, he's really just a boy
He buys his drugs, searches for joy.
He lies motionless in a hospital bed
He's all hooked up; his brain is dead.
He stops breathing, his fight is done
The angels take his spirit home.
Now it's you, strolling down the street
It's your drug dealer you hope to meet.
Ask yourself before you get high--
Could this be your night to die?
Kids are dying, left and right
Overdose the conmmon plight.
Your dealer's the devil, he don't care
When you lay dying, he ain't there.
Dec 16/17
D H Loewen
Shadows echo the darkness on the opaque wall
They penetrate the room like a pill in the air
Dropped into a glass full of cold memories
Made in the cool, chill of a haunted hill
A dry throat swallows the pale, still expression
Drowning in a sweat of its own liquid expansion
Knees turn to water along with the rest of him
Stripped to the bone into a toxic cocktail, he starts to dim
Into a fizz down their observant, gapping eye sockets
Absorbed in a fuss through the holes in his pockets
He's small change in their overblown, curious indifference
Dissolves into an invisible particle in his own self-defense
An outpouring mixture of nerves and tension grips his neck
His pounding heart's a tossed sack in his erupted chest of a wreck
His mind's in a blender of an upward - downward spiraling spin
Swept to the corner in a splendor of the flaming flakes of his own skin
A sick, sick woman
She lies in bed
She complains, complains of pain
Pain she cannot control
She takes her pills to ease it all away
However, they do not work
She is given more and more
So much that she feels worse, rather than better
The people they prepare to treat her
But they wait, and wait, and continue to wait
Her condition intensifies
But they wait, and wait, and continue to wait
Her skin, now a pale, blue colour
She is cold to the touch
Nothing can save her now
Because they waited, and waited, and continued to wait
They could have saved her
But they refused
They were afraid, they were selfish
Her life just didn’t mean enough to them
She was taken away from her family and friends
She could have been saved
She could still be standing today
But they were afraid, they were selfish
Tomorrow, six years will have passed
They will mark the anniversary of that awful day
And what will people do?
They’ll act like nothing had ever happened…
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