You'll Neverknow Poet Free verse

near the end, but the end isn't near

i overdosed for the first time last night
all the times i spent trying before
didn't seem as bad anymore
i laid in bed trying to sleep
hoping this would be the time
my eyes stayed closed forever
but i was held awake against my will
deep in my brain,
i knew something was wrong
even if this is what i've been wishing for
for so long
in the past i managed to fall right to sleep
when i took less than i did now
i wanted to be swept into dreamland
but the wheels in my brain kept turning
and my body did too
flipping back and forth
trying to be in a comfortable final position
i kept getting hot
no matter how little blanket i had on
and the wave of nausea hit 
i thought i could be fine 
go to sleep, make it all go away
all of it
but as i rushed into my bathroom
at four in the morning
i knew tonight wouldn't be the night
as my head hung over the toilet
i wondered why i'm forced to stay 
reliving the same treacherous days 
without anyone knowing
because how do you even bring that up?
to someone?
i don't know why this world is so adamant 
to keep me here, held captive as a prisoner
is this karma?
what did i do that was so bad?
to deserve this?

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