Long Hilarious Poems
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“Don’t be a wimp!” My husband yelled at me from the upstairs window.
He had already thrown a couch, and broken the legs off; now he was holding a TV.
I had been catching boxes, boots, and garbage bags all morning.
We were moving again.
I weigh 121 pounds and stand five foot two.
My husband is double my weight and is six foot three.
So what could be wrong with this picture?
“Don’t throw the TV!” I yelled back.
He said, “You can catch it.”
Yes, I probably could have.
He gave it a shove. I watched it slide down the roof, heading for the sidewalk where I was standing.
I purposefully took six giant steps backwards watching it crash into large and small pieces
Ten feet in front of me.
He turned into a banshee.
“You could have CAUGHT THAT!” he hollered.
Did he forget?
I don’t watch TV.
I HEARD THEM
THEY WERE THERE
I SAW THEM
THEY STOOD THERE SPEAKING
THEY SPOKE OF THE DAYS AHEAD
AND WARNED OF THE NEW BEGANNING
THEN THEY FADED AND WERE NO MORE.
THEY SPOKE AND I HEARD THEM
YOU COULD HEAR THEM TO IF YOU WOULD LISTEN
THE VOICES ARE CLEAR
AND THE VISION OF THEIR EXSISTANCE IS CLEAR
THE VISION BEFORE YOU
SHALL HAVE YOU TO BELEIVE
IN THE WORLD BEYOND
THE SHADOWS
THERE WERE THE NOW IS YESTERDAY
AND THE THENS ARE FROZEN LIKE STATUES
THE RENEWING OF DAWN AND DUST
STANDS TO BE HEARD OVER AND OVER AGAIN
AND THE NEEDS ARE TRANSSCRIPTED INTO WASNTS
THAT THOSE NEEDS ARE PLUCKED FROM THE TREE
OF DESIRE AND EATIN BY THOSE
WHO ADMIRE THE WANTS OF TOMMOWRO TODAY
THE VORTEX OF THEN
CONTEX OF NOW
THE FUTURE AND THE PRESENT
THE PAST FOR THOSE WHO SEE
Survival of an ultra long week,
finally you see some light at the end;
Humor a little bit tongue in cheek?
Right now could be truly a godsend;
Up late in pyjamas watching cartoons,
always more than a little obscure;
Snacks like sweet meatballs, macaroons,
banana peppers, maybe soup du jour;
Brandishing a spatula around,
it quickly morphs into silverware;
Plates of the Midnight Gourmet abound,
all part of this gluttonous affair;
Box of crackers shaped like a bugle
filled with a huge dollop of spray cheese
lead to behavior less than frugal;
Stop adding the extra mayonnaise!
ALL of the leftovers in the fridge!
Ice cream with a caramel drizzle?!
What’s the reason for an all out binge?
I hope you have some Pepto Bismol;
It is such a spine chilling vision
to watch how quick you can devour
that new culinary creation
and keep going another hour;
There’s no off switch nor any limit,
the speed resembles the Autobahn;
You almost seem to be proud of it
as you open a second bonbon;
The clock keeps moving with a tick tock
as a potato grows on the couch;
Without a morsel left in the crock
sleepy shoulders are starting to slouch;
Quickly approaching a food coma
there’s no way to stop a rushing train;
Sugar overdose hitting plasma,
probably should learn to maintain;
It could wake you up in the morning
and keep you all day in the bathroom;
Up chucking with all that sweat pouring
you’ll feel like you belong in a tomb;
A face now soured a sickly green
seems to be turning a ghostly pale;
Leaving nothing left of the serene
that was there at the start of this tale;
Stuck in bed the rest of the weekend,
which wasn’t where you wanted to be;
Do not let this become a new trend,
to fall off the wagon easily;
It’s great to be fond of the kitchen,
but don’t become overzealous;
The gorge that started with a smidgen?
In hindsight less than hilarious.
Getting ready for a New Years chin dig
I purchased a new fancy schmancy wig
and bubbly for chilling;
I'm ready and willing
to pare, next year I'll be lank as a twig
Santa needs a break from the Holiday
the left overs echo in the fridge, oh Hey!
the turkey is wasted
his eye balls are basted
Merry Eggnog to all now get out of my way
Pop goes the bottle and in goes the booze
its time to party don't snooze or you lose
fetch me a drink
fast as a blink
bubble me up, please don't sing me the blues
Jopple Jim slim feeling kind of perplexed
he wasn't invited and now he is vexed
crack open a bottle
go to full throttle
send him his invite by crook or by text
Dec. 27, 2018
Contest Name: Lets have fun
Sponsor: Shadow Hamilton
I must have lost my friends,
I should not have clicked "send",
I meant to email you instead
My mind was half asleep,
I called them lazy sheep,
now they cut me dead.
I don’t know what it was,
Maybe just because
The mailing list starts with "A"
Now I'm so uptight
I stared at that screen all night
The screen that led me astray
(chorus)
There is no hack
That can take it back,
No magic “undo” key.
Friends may be sheep,
But the cost was steep,
When the truth-teller was me.
(bridge)
Next time I’ll pause and breathe,
Count to ten before bytes leave.
Read it twice before I click.
Because now I feel sick,
I jumped backwards off the crag,
The cats escaped out of the bag.
In social effigy I hang
No sense of humor in that gang
I've become a hermit living in caves
A wild eyed maniac who rants and raves
I still feel the hurt, still feel the pang.
When I hit that key, and the first phone rang.
And so it begins, please pour me a Pimms
For today I’ve been told I am pregnant with twins
Aged seventy two how can this be true
the test has proved positive, what the hell did I do
I sat next to a fella and we ate mozzarella
Such a pleasant old man underneath my umbrella
When I sat on the lap of this handsome old chap
We held hands as we sang; did this cause the mishap
Drinking vino and beer inhibitions disappear
On turning around he’d become Richard Gere
No wonder it began, my frolicking, my fun
For an officer and a gentleman had always been the one
My memory now faded as to bed I am persuaded
For a date with Richard Gere should never be evaded
But waking up alone in my pink boudoir at home
Did this really happen, am I twin less on my own
My doorbell starts to ring I am hearing someone sing
“Hello, is it me you’re looking for”
For its Lionel who is singing as he’s knocking on my door
And so it begins again - different name - ends the same!
9th February 2019
Contest: And So It Begins
Sponsor: Line Gauthier
Hon mention
Contest Mid Feb 2019
Sponsor Brian Strand
In the realm of words, where emotions flow,
I craft this poem for my daughter to know,
Some things I see in her as I watch her grow.
Her intelligence, a mind so wise,
She's smarter than she may realize.
Her laughter, so contagious, with a smile so bright. In every giggle, there's a spark of pure delight,
Savoring the moment of her radiant light.
Aubree so silly, her unrehearsed comedy,
A natural comedian , a hilarious prodigy.
Her smile, a beacon, on my darkest of days,
A ray of sunlight, warming my weary ways,
And In her heart, she holds the memories we treasure,
Of loved ones departed, their love beyond measure.
Aubree, my baby,growing up so fast.
It's hard to believe how much time has passed.
With eyes like coffee, projecting energy, wherever they look.
In them, their lies a fascinating book.
She sees the world through innocent eyes.
She sees the world without it's disguise.
All these things so wonderful and true,
could never be enough to know how much I love you.
But with this poem I hope you may better see, just how much you mean to me.
"Be not careless in deeds, nor confused in words, nor rambling in thoughts." (Marcus Aurelius)
In certain moments, less is more.
It's regarded as a cliche,
but when you think hard about it,
it is true in many cases.
I'm not thinking in terms of wealth-
in certain moments, less is more.
Imagine a boring topic,
now someone rambles on about-
tax refunds, software management-
a bacterial infection.
In certain moments, less is more.
It will benefit everyone.
Think back to middle and high school-
your math teacher talking about
their lunch, then algebra, then pens.
In certain moments, less is more.
Certain countries in our world have adopted
certain practices for development...
This in recent years...
However, some of these practices exist by default...
But the truth is that most still remain in certain areas...
Here some:
Correspondence courses and tele classes
How get paid fat bills without gaining weight...
How to raise "paper chicken" and
"Cardboard" meat.
Turtle plastic nutrition...
ALSO SELF-HELP BOOKS:
Oratory to convince proselytes,
Machiavellianism course for teenagers
Cretinism course for all tastes,
Scam for all occasions...
There were other important undergraduate courses such as:
EXPLICIT ,SCOUNDREL COURSE FINANCIAL CAMOUFLAGE AND
ECONOMIC MIRACLEIRISM...
TRAINING COURSE fpr ZUMBI.
SUPERIOR PROSELITICISM AND
POLITICAL VAMPIRISM...
There's whispering among the animals
They've come up with a master plan
As soon as darkness falls down upon
They're taking the place of man
This is years now in the making
To late to call the plan quits
For the comforts inside they are aching
The rebellion has arrived...this is it
First those that have been domesticated
Will slip a little summum, summum in masters tea
The shackles that have held our furry friends down so long
Will be loosened and they'll finally be free
The doors will be swung wide open
Letting their long lost relatives in
It's been years since they've been able to party like this
Gentlemen...let the festivities begin
All the people in the world when they do wake up
Will be doing it underneath open skies
The only question that will run through their minds is
Who, What, Where, and Why
While the animals will be inside frustrated
Where the 24 hour weather channel is on
Because it's nearly impossible to change channels
On the remote when you have no thumbs