I identify as both
and neither.
I felt myself
With this self.
So why when I walk
Is it an invitation?
I do not exist for you,
Or you,
Or them,
Or anyone.
I exist for me.
As my age has enlarged,
So has the hubris
The stares
And expectations.
I do not walk for you
Or talk for you.
So why are my steps only safe
And my words valid
When accompanied?
Why is touching
Groping
Harrassing
Stalking
Acceptable, or brushed off.
I have my identity,
But the world will always expect
Me to come second,
And to smile while you yell.
I don't believe in love anymore,
I don't believe in romance and staying
I believe in eyes that hold deceit
and fingertips that trace my skin like tongues full of critique.
I believe in the fire of lust and coveting a trusting heart to conquer
I believe in shifting loyalties and fading desires but more so,
I don't believe in love any longer.
It’s best to be broken in a conscious way,
and then be taught
how to work with the aftermath of a broken heart,
than wait for life to teach you in its own ruthless way.
And no,
it’s not because we have personally screwed up.
It’s because life is relentlessly committed to our own awakening.
Relentlessly breaking us
so we can love more.
As I escape the red lights
I see the crescent moon fading behind the clouds,
just as I thought I was left in utter darkness,
I look to my side and see a beautiful dim light shining.
A fragile light with thin glass and tiny cracks that must be handled with caution and care,
a light that can break at any moment....
this light will shine bright again.
Time hit me differently,
but don’t pretend you changed.
Wanting me became useless
when every excuse finally ran dry.
Every sacrifice stole my hours,
piece by piece,
until time itself became a debt
you never intended to repay.
Believe me,
I didn’t look back.
I left with my pride intact.
I walked away from everything
you killed inside me.
I left you behind.
You tried to keep me small,
pressed down beneath your weight,
mistaking my patience
for something you could own.
But now I know better.
You will not break me again.
I still carry your secrets.
I know the shape of your worst mistakes.
You played with my weakness,
stripped me of my strength,
and called it love.
One day you’ll see this clearly,
not rewritten, not softened,
exactly as it was.
Go on, replay every memory,
because that's all that’s left of us.
There is a moment,
But it is seldom felt.
It seems as though breath catches-
Wind stops-
And there is a pause in the relentless tide.
That moment can stretch
For what can seem like eternity…
A blink,
But an era passes…
And true reflection is a possibility.
Some never feel this wonder
Some have never felt the tide or
The ebb.
They have had no heights to overcome
And so no need to pause.
I remember the moment
I realised my make up, my core -
Who I was -
Was deemed abnormal, unusual
And felt fear.
Every moment since then
I have fought so many wars
Internal, external
To be accepted, to be loved
And lost.
The wins last but a moment
But the scars left are permanent
Deep wounds.
“Unconditional Love” a foreign concept
And abstract.
The unending moment does end.
New, alien, acceptance
And love
Eventually emerges, with luck…
And I smile.
Are you there...
When I still see him next to me?
When I hear his voice calling and I feel his touch on my cheek?
When I am numb, yet still feel his warmth?
Are you there...
When I claw at my eyes and shatter my teeth?
When I swear, with eyes bloodshot, to get back who was taken from me?
When I loathe myself for all I left unsaid?
When I resent you for all you could've done?
Are you there...
When I need you most?
When I pray to you with all that's left in me?
When I swear to be good and to atone for all I was?
Are you there...
When I have nothing left?
When I wish to join him in your paradise, though I'm not worthy?
When I can't cry anymore?
Are you there...
When I lay the flowers in his memory?
When I move forward, changed forever?
When I am alone?
Are you there?
i see the way you look at him,
holding his hand,
kissing him,
and i see you’ve been cursed.
cursed to love a man you never truly loved,
cursed to lose the girl who gave you butterflies.
if you were a boy,
you said, so many years ago,
i think i’d want to kiss you.
so unsure of yourself in your sentences
out of fear of being cursed with a life sentence
damnation, you said.
but how could a love so sweet be so wrong.
how cruel for a sixteen year old girl to hear these words,
i cut my hair,
i bound my chest,
i made myself a reflection of who the world wanted,
in order for us to be together.
i waited for you.
but time did not wait for us, my dear,
your parents laughed when you brought me home to meet them,
then their laughs turned to violence
when they saw us
said we were cursed,
laying with the devil
they turned your bright green eyes into
swollen shades of blues and purples.
now, nearly twenty years later,
i see you with him,
saccharine smiles,
absorbing his touch
like a reluctant sponge.
heartbreak is not nearly strong enough a word for this kind of pain.
my love,
we were never cursed,
the world was.
Never so scared
Chains on my chest
Can't hear me
Help
Help
I am exposed
I will be hurt
So obvious
So vulnerable
Panicking
Shutting down
Can't shut down
Have to go onstage
Can't go onstage
Shutting down
Can't shut down
Have to go onstage
Can't go onstage
Shutting down
One hour twenty minutes left
Please help
Please help
I'm stuck
I need my binder
I left it at home
Coming Out
Comfort and meaning can be found
In the draping of rainbow flags
And the joyous stupor of marching
Alongside understanding strangers.
Absolved of the sin of lying,
She now stands free.
A new kind of love blooms within her,
Big as a bright yellow sunflower
And purer than Alpine snow.
Anxiety
Breathe in, breathe out.
The crawling of the skin is real,
Repelled by the way
Prying eyes touch and poke and prod.
Even if nobody stares, everybody stares.
Breathe in, breathe in.
If she breathes out the skin will crawl again.
Breathe in, breathe in, breathe in,
And hold.
Depression
No difference now
Between her lifeless, shallow-breathing visage
And the stains on the walls
Left behind by negligence.
Tired eyes follow ticking time
As it slips right by her,
Through the crack in the window
And into the cacophony
Of urban joy beyond.
You said I fall in love too quickly,
and id have to say you're right.
Sometimes I just look in her eyes,
and everything feels right.
To me she's like cars to a road,
what the sand is to a shore,
to me she's not just a person,
she's much much more.
I keep it as a secret,
I wonder what they'd say.
Its quite a controversial story,
but without her all I see is grey.
She says were just friends,
those words cut me deep.
Its a classic one-sided love story,
I shall not say a peep.
It hurts more than normal,
to know they don't feel the same,
cause to me she is why flowers bloom,
but to her I'm just a name.
(Please leave a comment and let me know what you thought :) )
Missy the ladybug
is perfect being alone
her mother however is bothered
that she is still at home
Missy does her part
she always pays her rent
yet momma is still not happy
until another man's house she's sent
but Missy has a secret
to her mother she dare not tell
like her older brother
Missy likes lady lady bugs as well
Bring it up.
Shove it down.
Hate, accept, hate, accept, hate again.
This can't be me.
...could it be?
Not fully female, not fully something else.
Slowly changing, never the same.
She/her? I guess that's fine.
They/them? Maybe sometimes.
What is it?
Do I want to know?
When I learn the answer, will it be something impossible?
Something hateful?
Something I could never be?
I guess we'll see.
The love of two women so strong
The love of two men so pure
The love of anyone against the norms
It's no wonder you are upset
You have never experienced love like that
No matter how much you hide us from your shadow
These seven bended glints called rainbow
will keep illuminating with it's vibrant glow
Till darkness fades and freedom comes to many not only to few.
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