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New Limerick Poems

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Should Have Seen the Scholar by Horn, James
More Facts To Am Resigned by Horn, James
Finicky Poetry by Horn, James
EILEEN WASN'T FLUSHED WITH SUCCESS by ALLISON, JAN
Cute Casket Now Fill by Horn, James
Over The Hill by Ellison, Jack
Brain Ain't Right by Ellison, Jack
Spectacles by Ellison, Jack
words to impress by Roberts, Seren
Community Site by Donnelly, Artsieladie Sharon

View all new Limerick Poems

The Best Limerick Poems

Details | Limerick Poem |

AT THE FOOTBRIDGE - LIMERICK COLLABORATION

At the footbridge Sue was meeting her beau
(He was married to a woman called Flo)
Sue soon found out his deception
She dismembered his erection
For his love life it was a massive blow

To the hospital fled poor Rodger
For an op to repair his todger
Now fixed, it's SO big
Rodger grunts like a pig
in porn films as Rodger the lodger

Inspired by but not for contest

BY JAN ALLISON

7~18~16

He promised Flo he never would leave her
And she would be his only receiver
But she caught him with Sue
And his chances were through
Gnawing off wood when he neared her beaver

 WRITTEN BY TIM SMITH

Sue castrated that cheating deceiver
With one whack of her meat cleaver 
she pulled a Lorena Bobbit 
turned Rodger into a Hobbit 
Sue's now known as an "overachiever"

WRITTEN BY MARTI SUTHERLAND

Across the table sits sweet Amee
Once A Roger, before he became a she
The master of infidelity
So many personalities
Before and after he became an amputee..


WRITTEN BY SKAT A

He was known as a terrible stoner
With a huge un-deflatable boner
It now sits in a jar
At the end of the bar
A reminder to all of its owner...

WRITTEN BY JOHN LAWLESS

It’s become a tourist attraction
As a symbol of female subtraction
Grannies sneak in for a peek
Everyday of the week
Dreaming of former of love action.

WRITTEN BY MARK WOODS


Oh how sad that pork missile should be 
unemployed but for all there to see 
if science, in a jiffy 
can rejuvenate stiffys 
then the first in the queue would be me! 

WRITTEN BY VIV WIGLEY

Flo wanted to give Sue a high five 
For slicing Rodger with all his jive 
A two timing fool 
Who broke every rule 
Now lil Rodger don't work in overdrive 

WRITTEN BY ALEXIS Y

Rodger's story has been immortalized
For having his thingy circumcised
It's on display in a bar
Now hanging in a jar
While it's slowing becoming crystalized 


WRITTEN BY MARTI SUTHERLAND

As she ponders on what to eat 
Hopefully, it won’t be red meat 
For there on the log 
Is Rodger's hot dog 
So she gets excited and jumps off her feet. 

WRITTEN BY WINGED WARRIOR

There's a lesson I really must blurt
To all those blokes out chasing some 'skirt'
When you're on heat
Don't share your meat
'Cause your todger might really get hurt!


WRITTEN BY MARK WOODS

Poor forgotten noteworthy Sue    
Looking so gloomy she blew        
At the pickled todger
once belonging to Rodger
kissing good times its last adieu


WRITTEN BY EVE ROPER


As "Rodger" snaked out of the door
It went past a room on tenth floor.
A woman therein
Said "Come right on in."
she kept screaming, "More, I want more!


WRITTEN BY ANDREA DIETRICH

After Sue chopped his tally-whacker
Poor Rodger became quite the slacker
He tried to bring his pecker forth
Never again to be pointing north
Now when he pees he sits on the crapper.

He stopped at the house, the red-light was on
Knocked on the door, the girls were all gone
Stuck with his sawed-off boner
Tonight He's going to be a loner
Damn, why did the girls all have to be gone?


BOTH POEMS WRITTEN BY JAMES ANDERSEN


A group of limericks quite clever
Began with one simple sever
Of engorged penis
which is, (between us),
I think, a spicy endeavor 


WRITTEN BY H PENELOPE SWIFTLOCK

There was perfection in his pecker, 
as a porn star he was a wrecker, 
but to his wife he was unfair, 
so she severed what was down there, 
now his only job is director.


WRITTEN BY CASARAH NANCE

Poor Rodger thought he was being slick 
when he carved out a handcrafted prick 
he rubbed his new attire 
his precious toy caught fire 
Now he is left with an ashen stick

WRITTEN BY TEPPO GREN

An ashen stick means man minus prick.
Poor Rodger, now a eunuch, without a fix. 
He decided to become a transgender. 
Then off he went on a bender. 
Woke up married to a man from Bertrix



WRITTEN BY JEAN MURRAY

Rodger's  new   love  was a  prudish   fox
but   for   brains  she had a  head  of rocks
he splinted  up  his  willy
popsicle  sticks   look   silly
he  said  it was  new   and   still   in  the  box!


 WRITTEN BY SONNY ROPER (EVE'S HUBBY)

To be fair "At the Footbridge"

Now to be completely fair
And to stop every persons stare
Rodger was not actually circumcised
As he was a player, so don’t be surprised
This was from wear and tear and his willingness to share



WRITTEN BY MARK PAUL VAN DER MERWE

Now Rodger mostly stays home 
for lack of a viable bone. 
He reaches by habit 
down for his rabbit: 
he's got Phantom Willy Syndrome!

WRITTEN BY DALE GREGORY COZART

Rodger was a good friend of Eye
Had a real hankering for cherry pie
Tasted every chance he got
And it would hit the spot
Until his crazy wife made him cry



WRITTEN ON 14TH JUNE BY EYE TRUTH TELLER

Roger pretends that he's a sexy stud
But when the ladies find out he's a dud
they all laugh in his face
anatomically a disgrace
His manhood is referred to  as "The Bud"

WRITTEN ON 15TH JUNE BY LIN LANE


Rodger thought his op was a success
When he found he had more and not less
But the surgeon's blind stunt
Sewed it on back to front
Well, he certainly lacks some finesse!

WRITTEN ON 15TH JUNE BY RAY GRIDLEY

As he crossed the footbridge, Georgie saw a duck
Quite unique and raucous, it could quack AND cluck!
(And did so incessantly)
"Hey! Hey! It's all about me!"
It loudly proclaimed, with much aplomb and pluck

WRITTEN BY LIM'RIK FLATS

I also wrote another poem but this one did not turn into a collaboration -
if you read it you will see that it is quite different to my usual style

https://www.poetrysoup.com/poem/at_the_footbridge__2_822879

Details | Limerick Poem |

A Desperate Housewife - in limerick form

Listen to poem:

A desperate housewife I knew
had such mundane housework to do.
Being so tired of it,
she decided to quit.
Then off to Las Vegas she flew.

Having always been such a lithe girl,
she thought “I’ll give dancing a whirl!”
Her audition went well.
From a large oyster shell
She emerged, so they all dubbed her Pearl.

Her skin, soft and fair, shone like dew
as she smiled with eyes crystal blue.
All the men threw her money
as her voice, sweet as honey,
called out, “Let me entertain you!”

As Pearl danced each night, looking pretty,
Her husband, back in her home city,
was fit to be tied,
thinking maybe she’d died!
Poor fool didn’t have a clue, did he!

Unbeknownst to sweet Pearl, her “dear” spouse
had been sneaking off as she’d played house.
To conventions he’d said
he was going. Instead,
he’d been gambling in Vegas, that louse!

Off to strip clubs he’d gone every chance
that he got. How he loved to see dance
naked women all sizes 
in sexy disguises
while his wife at home longed for romance.

Now the tables were very much turned.
And her husband was feeling quite spurned.
He would sleep restlessly
thinking where could she be!!
But her whereabouts he never learned.

No longer could he run away
on a whim. He still had bills to pay.
That cleaning and cooking
meant no time for looking
at girls! He had less time to play.

In Vegas, his wife had come far.
In fact, she was a superstar.
Wearing naught but a fan,
she’d entice every man,
then drive home in a pearl-colored car!

Her spouse lost his job. The years fled.
His wife he then had declared dead.
But with no job in sight,
he’d stay home each night,
with loneliness causing him dread.

Do you think this guy ever has let
his conscience feel any regret
that his wife did so much
while he gambled and such?
Has he learned anything at all yet?

Did he marry and get a new bride?
Did Pearl go and change her sweet ride
to a sleek red Corvette,
and did SHE marry yet?
I leave it to YOU to decide!


Written June 2016 for the Desperate Housewife Contest of PD

Details | Limerick Poem |

JAN ALLISON has a Fan

JAN HAS A FAN


Jan Has no Tan

I once saw a gal called Jan
So sexy she made me ran
Straight to the vicar
Said marry us quicker
Whilst she drank her tea on the can


She is as White as pure Sand

I once met a gal in white dress
I fell straight in love I must confess
She was drinking her tea
While I stared at her knee
Surely my intentions she guessed


She Sips Her Tea Daily

I once met a gal drinking Tea
My heart was pumping in glee
From her nose to her toes
When she smiled I froze
So charming I become a devotee

While I Admire Her so Gayly

When I saw the lady in the white dress
My thoughts she I did undress
As she gazed out the window
She caught peeking Jimbo
Who was in quite the state of distress


I am a fan of the great poet Jan

There once was a gal who could fart
She refined it into an art
Her white dress in a breeze
Would lift till you sneeze
But she’ll always be my sweetheart




Notes: I just realized the title, as far as Jan is concerned , well could have a double meaning!

Details | Limerick Poem |

The Curse: COLLABORATION

A man with a quiet demeanor
was cursed with a miniscule wiener.
He tried lotions and pills
But not one cured his ills.
Now he's a silent nail hole cleaner.

BY DALE GREGORY COZART

His todger though tiny still worked. 
When he went for a wee it jerked. 
He could still have full sex. 
It was rather complex, 
but when it was over he smirked.

BY JAN ALLISON

His wee-wee was indeed very wee
to the extent that no one could see.
When asked, “Are you a man?”
He replied, “Yes, I am.
You can follow up stream when I pee.”

BY DALE GREGORY COZART

Went out for a night with a hooker
Blonde but thick and no looker
When she saw his todger
Said my dog is bigger
You're taking me for a sucker

BY SEREN ROBERTS

A silent curse shrunk his wee to a teeny thing
I swear it is no bigger than a lil chicken wing
For sex a useless reject
Can't tell when its erect
We make jokes about his miniature ding a ling

BY MARTI

Wait a minute please, I won't tell a lie
isn't always small, it's big as apple pie
the winds were mighty chilly
affecting my poor old Willie
now you hurt my feelings, think I'm gonna cry

BY TIM SMITH

Big Bertha said, "It ain't the cubic inches
nope, the part for me what clinches
is strokes per minute
while they's in it
not a tool needs movin' with winches."

BY LIM'RICK FLATS

if you want join in the fun!

Details | Limerick Poem |

Looks Can Be Deceiving

There was a young girl whose silk skin
Was sewn up with some thread and a pin.
     It would drive the men mad,
     That sleek layer she had,
Well, until she took off her silk skin.

By Anne Currin

Details | Limerick Poem |

His funeral

That he planned his funeral is factual
And being a prankster quite actual
He prerecorded his voice
So when we kneeled on the joist
He said, "Hi there! Don't I look natural."

Details | Limerick Poem |

The Contest

(The Contest)

I once knew a gentle poet boy
Pretending to be the real McCoy
   He lost two in a row
   This is no game show
At the end, I felt used by the playboy


(The cold rain)

I wish I could take back the HM
Don't know why you chose to condemn
   I thought we were friends
   Now I see through crystal lens,
How you think all your poems are a top gem

(Not a reason to hate)

I once knew a girl with heavy makeup
Behind her smile, her face was corrupt 
   She was in it for the race
   Wanting all her poems to place
She did not win, now she's all worked up
    


SKAT

Details | Limerick Poem |

Gathering of the Golden Girls - Soup Convention

Four “Golden Girls” seated at a table
Grey streaks our hair, but minds remain stable
     Convention is underway
     Michael has something to say
He opens our meeting with a fable
 
It’s about a tortoise that beats a hare
Some of the “fast writers” begin to glare
     Joyce, Francine and Barbara know
     It takes time for verse to grow
We’re the queens of rewriting; this we swear
 
Iolanda’s introduced to read her book
“Lava of my Soul,” no gobbledygook
     We’re mesmerized by each line
     At the end we toast with wine
Joyce says, “Now those words took some time to cook.”
 
It’s Karen’s turn to read “Silent Whispers”
We see tears falling into John’s whiskers
     “Tears of joy,” Francine exclaims
     For Karen’s Best Seller fame
Applause rings out from grateful listeners
 
After the “meet and greet” it’s nearly dawn
The crowd starts to thin as our comrades yawn
     Joyce, Francine call it a night
     But Barbara still sits upright
We two remain when most others are gone
 
One poet called us “Late Night Cockroaches”
This indignity did not encroach us 
     We call ourselves “LNCs”
     Awake in wee hours with ease
Waiting for our princes to approach us
 
That’s when the James Brothers draw near
Peranteau and Fraser, to make it clear
     With two erotic writers
     LNCs pull “all nighters”
Knowing that we can propose; it’s Leap Year!
 
 
*Entry for Michael’s “A Table of Four” contest
At my table: Carolyn Devonshire
Joyce Johnson
Francine Roberts
Barbara Gorelick

Details | Limerick Poem |

SPRING FORWARD

In spring time fresh flowers are rising
New lambs in the fields – not surprising
In every hedgerow and tree
Lush beauty will surround me
It’s heaven; there is no disguising

02~16~15
Contest: Spring Forward -Debbie Guzzi
Syllables checked 9 9 7 7 9

Details | Limerick Poem |

Finding BigFoot

For BigFoot I searched everywhere.
In all the Northwest, he’s not there!
Then I thought I might know
where a BigFoot might go . . .
so I went where the barbers cut hair!

To fit in and be like the rest
of us humans, he’d look his best.
so I went to each shop
where I thought he might stop
to have hair removed from his chest.

To Hollywood soon I was led.
I’d heard of a man with a head
like a wolf’s, full of hair,
making everyone stare.
What I found was Hugh Jackman instead!

Then a man I could not see too well
crossed my path at a fancy hotel.
When I got a good look,
that was all that it took!
It was furry but small, Steve Carell!

The last guy I saw in that land
of Hollywood stars acted grand.
That guy, very hairy
made Big Foot less scary.
He went by the name Russell Brand.

From Hasselhoff to Bradley Cooper,
some hairy guys are super duper!
I kept at my quest
when to the southwest
I moved, for I’m always a trooper.

I searched high and low, five years more,
but by then, I had grown very poor.
I had always liked shoes,
so thought I would choose
a job in a classy shoe store.

Like Carrie in “Sex in the City,”
I loved my work, and I looked pretty
with swank heels on my feet,
yet I felt incomplete
There was no Mr. Big! Such a pity!

But while working one day without care.
I looked up  Can you guess who was there?
This odd creature so tall
made Shaquille look too small.
And he hardly could hide all his hair!

No fresh smelling flower was he,
but kindly I sensed him to be.
As I stooped down to put
my hand on that Big Foot,
I knew fate had led him to me!

Written by Andrea Dietrich

Details | Limerick Poem |

Big Bang

Your theory makes quite the impression
But I have this nagging obsession
A huge mass of matter
Explodes in a scatter
This is a layman's 'dumb' question

From whence came this gigantic ball?
Just how did the whole thing befall?
What was there before that?
And before even that?
And so on and so forth, et.al

Blank space, only vacuum you say?
Endless void? Flat nothing? Okay
Is nothing just nothing,
Or ain't nothing something
And what made the nothing I pray?

Details | Limerick Poem |

GIMME A BRAKE

A UFO went to land in Dakota
But the brakes didn't work one iota.
        It didn't take long
        to decide what was wrong
seems the space ship was made by Toyota!

Details | Limerick Poem |

HE'S SMOKIN'

Sir Henry was playing his flute
He also was smoking cheroot
But when his attire
Was soon caught on fire
I’m guessing he’s not so astute!


04~18~15
Contest: Famous Einstein Quotes – John Freeman
Albert Einstein Quote ‘The only source of knowledge is experience’
~awarded 1st place~

Details | Limerick Poem |

The Arc Of Life



Travelling through life resembles an arc
We start out as a child emerging from the dark
To reach a crescendo
Establishing a tempo
Then sadly we all must eventually disembark


© Jack Ellison 2015

Details | Limerick Poem |

MARY IN THE DAIRY

A curvaceous lady named Mary
Just loved having sex in the dairy
When smothered with whipped cream
Her beau would lick her clean…
His Calorie intake was scary!!!

14th June 2016

Details | Limerick Poem |

Justice - A Parable

A woman gave birth to a son
named Justice; he had little fun.
If he wanted to play,
his mama would say,
“But only when Justice is done!”

Poor Justice, from morning till night,
tried hard to do everything right.
By the end of the day,
he still could not play,
for his time to do chores was so tight!

His life was a crime with no play!
We all know that crime doesn’t pay.
But were I in his shoes,
having paid all my dues,
I think I might just run away.

Well, sure enough, Justice did flee
and ended up in Tennessee.
With no place to belong,
he felt sad till along
came a girl who smiled tenderly.

Looking ragged, he asked (with some shame)
if the young girl would tell him her name.
“Can you guess?” said the Miss.
“Here’s a clue. It is this. . . 
Those who have me don’t take all the blame.”

The young man did not have a clue
what her name was; it was all new.
He’d never hear of
- yet soon grew to love -
this girl  and her charming name too.

Today Justice likes more his life
because this girl lessens his strife.
He learned her name well
when in love he fell
and Mercy he took for a wife!

For the Story Poem Contest Poetry Contest of Carol Eastman

Details | Limerick Poem |

Anno

There once was a banshee called Anno,
Who was learning to play the piano.
She was doomed to fail,
And started to wail -
And now she’s a world class soprano.

Details | Limerick Poem |

A GIFT OF A LIFETIME - TO END ON SATURDAY MARCH 20TH 2077

I’ve received an incredible gift 
It has given my heart such a lift 
But the date that I see 
Is what now concerns me  –
It’s the date I no longer exist!!! 

Today I was gifted a 'lifetime' premium membership but it is somewhat disconcerting to see it ends on 3/20/2077. I hope TPS aren't psychic!!!!

My mother's great great aunt lived to 111 and 121 days and was in the Guinness book of records - I hope I am around a long long time to make full use of this incredible gift.


14th October 2016

Details | Limerick Poem |

Trump and the Beaver - For Jan

Out in the woods Trump took a nap
Under an oak dripping of sap
pants to his knees
what a big sleaze
Fresh beaver still caught in his trap



*I do not endorse this message and no actual
  beavers were hurt in this poem

Details | Limerick Poem |

CASH COW

I was blessed by a golden cash cow
She’s a wonderful friend to me now
For those in the know
She goes with the flow
Here’s my tribute, may she take a bow!

12~27~16

Details | Limerick Poem |

She's Abusive and That's Conclusive

There was a fussy bovine named Flossy
who was snooty and always so bossy
her udders would droop
when she took a poop
She bellowed until her eyes got glossy

Flossy had teeth like a barracuda
Her biting habit just made her ruder
She's not very sharp
She spit when she'd harp
So I called a few friends and we shewed her

Then she threatened to have me arrested
Thought she'd beaten me and had me bested
Knocked her on her duff
She wasn't so tough
Alas, she kept right on and protested

I saw her on the street the other day
Her monstrous butt sat on a bale of hay
Stuck her tongue at me
Mooed, "Hello, ducky"
She trotted off when I aimed pepper spray

What a chunky hippo she has become
I think Flossy secretly sucks her thumb
Waddles when walking
Ranting and squawking
To senility, Flossy has succumb

Bovine creatures can be quite abusive
When they should be a closet reclusive
The more that they speak
The more that they reek
My findings are all justly conclusive

Details | Limerick Poem |

OOPS - PLEASE JOIN IN THE COLLABORATION

Sue dated an old bloke called Darren
He said surgery'd made him barren
But one errant sperm
Escaped from his ‘worm’
Now Sue’s had a baby named Sharon!

05~24~17

WRITTEN BY JAN ALLISON

For his sins he surely will pay
Strong little swimmer went astray
There's tears in his eyes
No nights with the guys
And Susan turned out to be gay!

05~25~17


WRITTEN BY TIM SMITH

Darren went to the doc to get snipped
The doctor was drunk and he slipped
He was seeing double
And that spelled trouble
Poor Darren got his wiener clipped.

05~24~17


WRITTEN BY JAMES ANDERSEN


Darren wasn't really a talker; 
He spent all his time in a rocker. 
"But don't worry, Dear," 
He'd said without fear, 
Knowing that his sperm used a walker. 

05~24~17


WRITTEN BY DALE GREGORY COZART


Darren told Jane the same story
She gave birth to a son named Rory 
He thinks he's slick
he's really a prick
And deserves his own category!

05~25~17

WRITTEN BY DANIEL TURNER


Sue told Darren she was on the pill 
But she managed to get pregnant still 
It would have been better 
If he "wrote" a french letter 
Now they have a baby boy named Bill! 

05~25~17

WRITTEN BY JOSEPH MAY

Young Rick peed on a stick. 
The result made him feel sick. 
His emotions went wild. 
How could he be with child. 
Impregnated by his own seed.

05~25~17

WRITTEN BY RICHARD LAMOUREUX

So Darren was over the hill
Said Susie'd no need for the pill
One old guy
One old lie
Easily told for the thrill!

05~25~17

WRITTEN BY LIM'RIK FLATS

Jan that's not what I find
I disagree if you don't mind
Over sixty they droop
When I take a look
His number if you would be so kind?


WRITTEN BY JEAN MURRAY

Poor Darren developed a cough
Sue put him to bed in a trough
While discussing his manhood.
Sue said, this is no good
I'd feel safer if you had it off.


WRITTEN BY JONATHAN FRENCH

Details | Limerick Poem |

ARE YOU SITTING COMFORTABLY

ARE YOU SITTING COMFORTABLY

Poor Beryl had terrible piles
So painful, they stuck out for miles
With help from her finger
Her piles did not linger
Now comfy, she sits there and smiles!

N/A In enter your own contest contest
Contest finalised on 9/24


A Poem, I Wrote and Sent Drifting - Poetry Contest
Sponsored by Broken Wings

09-22-17

Details | Limerick Poem |

Ode to Chocolate-COLLABORATION

To chocolate I pay my respects
Some folks say its better than sex
whether milk dark or white
Ev’ry bar I must bite
or I'll get a lack of choccy complex

I NEED chocolate it’s an unwritten rule
I'm a woman not a blithering fool
Give me a constant supply
On days that end with a Y
when choc’s smeared round my mouth it looks cool

BY JAN ALLISON

Most women love something that’s sweet
And chocolate it cannot be beat
Deny them and they’ll pout
Choc is all they think about
Many men think it's all that they'll eat.

BY DALE GREGORY COZART

She lustingly said to bring some to her room
off went my trousers in a vertical zoom
I gazed in her eyes
but to my surprise
I gave her the chocolate she gave me a broom

BY TIM SMITH

Give me the chocolate and forget the sex
But please don't send it through Fed Ex
It'll melt in the summer
And that's a real bummer
Now that's a problem to vex and perplex

BY LIN LANE

Chocolates make me feel great
I forget the part about weight
If I was a tad thinner
Would think chocolate ideal for dinner
Will settle for sex after eight

BY SEREN ROBERTS

Chocolate is all that she wishes
She loves anything that Swiss is
I brought her a box
She quick changed the locks
Guess I’ll just go sleep with the Mrs.

BY DEAN WOOD

One woman with sweet loving lips
ate nothing but dark chocolate chips.
Her husband's retort?
"To enter her port
is like docking between two battleships!"

BY LIM'RICK FLATS

Details | Limerick Poem |

Mute It

What causes those daft in the head
To hurt others with things they’ve said
If you must then vent
Your jealous intent
Perhaps you should mute it instead.