Best Funnyme Poems
I went to the doctor one day in June
I just wanted to keep my heart in tune
He had me take off my clothes
Then told me to touch my toes
And then he caused me to howl at the moon
I am a narcoleptic,
I sleep at any time,
no doubt I’ll drop off frequently
before I end this ………………………………rhyme.
It can be quite embarrassing,
between just me and you,
in the bank the other day
I dozed off in the queue.
As if that wasn’t bad enough
I let out quite a snore,
a real raucous rasper
that left my throat quite sore.
My constant napping problem
has somewhat skewed my fate;
destined to be a spinster,
I snooze on each first date.
There was one special fella
who took me out to dine,
my face was drawn into my plate
as I closed these eyes of mine.
He gave me money for the bill
and stifling a grin
he walked away and whispered
“You’ve something on your chin”
I think I’ll have to end now,
I’m sensing heavy blinks,
I cannot write another word
I need my forty ………..................... winks
** for Nikko's 'Your Snooze, You Choose' contest
I can't help myself, it's what I do
I'm just so addicted to the trade
I was too dang scared to steal the dog
'Cause of all the noise he made
You can see that I'm a cat burglar
By the mask and kitty in my paws
It's not like I stole your jewlery box
So I'm really not breaking any laws
See, I was only gonna borrow him
There's no need to sound the alarm
I needed this varmint to scratch my back
I didn't mean the little fella any harm
Now wait just a minute, don't call the cops
You caught me red handed with the critter
I'll give him back, 'cause he smells like poo
So you probably need to change the kitty litter
For Francine's Contest "Tell me about it"
One night while I was sleeping
The bed began to shake
I knew right then without a doubt
That I was wide awake
Here they come once again
To take me for a ride
I saw their flying saucer
It was much too late to hide
So I put on my old blue jeans
And headed for the door
When I saw this giant beam of light
That sucked me off the floor
I knew exactly what they wanted
And no they didn't use a probe
They didn't suck my brains out
Or even ask me to disrobe
They were looking for a hillbilly
To teach them a thing or two
Like how to skin a possum
And how to make rattlesnake stew
Them aliens were some friendly folk
They said they liked the way I talked
They told me that was the reason
That I was the one they stalked
They asked me about beef jerky
And how to tan a hide
I showed them my old coon dog
As they watched me beam with pride
They said they really liked my truck
And wanted to take it for a spin
So I stuck that thing in four-wheel drive
And you should have seen them grin
When the night was finally over
I thought I heard them say
We'll be coming back real soon
As I watched them fly away
I only had one problem
As I sat there on the ground
Them aliens done up and stole
My very best blue tick hound
But they already had a cat
ME
Meow
How could they
Making me share my chow
My bed
My toy rat with the ripped head
My nip, my nap, my blue blanket with the frayed ribbon
I don't know if I can ever forgive em.
But they already had a reader in the group
ME
M is for Mitten, can't you see
We did not need an Elenore
She steals my lines and interrupts my joke
She makes me gag
She makes me choke
She sat in my chair
How will I go on from here
But they already chose first chair
ME
My violin solo was so sweet
Now I have to share
Not fair
No treat
Another fiddler I can't beat
The agony of broken bows and stepped on feet
I have no harmony left inside of me
Sometimes you have to make the best,
Of the bad luck thrown your way;
Get on with your life, to heck with the rest,
And just enjoy your day;
I was having me a terrible day,
Everyone grumbling at work;
No one had anything nice to say,
And my boss was being quite a jerk;
I went to my office and told myself,
I wouldn’t let it get to me;
I grabbed a book off the shelf,
And went to work, plain as can be;
I smiled at everyone that was around,
And went out of my way to be nice;
It was strange for me to be so profound,
Giving everyone advise;
I figured that was the best way,
For me to get back at them;
By wishing them a happy day,
And not being hasty to condemn;
I have never been more happy,
I’ve sure got it made;
Cause you know when life gave me
Lemons, I made the office lemonade!
~5th Place in the "Making Lemonade" Contest by Deborah Guzzi~
You Know
By Elton Camp
The conversation has only begun
When I realize it is with a moron.
On every thought he does bestow
The foolish phrase, “You know.”
Just how could I possibly know
Until he proceeds to tell me so.
“I really like sports, you know.
They just put my heart aglow.”
“I met Joe Montana two years ago.
It was just such a thrill, you know.”
How could I know just how he felt
When with his idol he had dealt.
“I like baseball pitches, fast or slow.
That’s the throwing speed, you know”
To learn that I simply couldn’t wait.
On word meaning he kept me straight.
Then golf he includes among the rest.
I learn that it is the sport he likes best.
“I just love to hear Tiger Woods crow.
In playing golf he’s the best, you know.”
His praise of sports continues to flow.
About all he may say, he thinks I know.
“Once, to the World Series, I got to go.
And there I had so much fun, you know.”
For sports tickets, I spend lots of dough,
But it’s well worth it to me, you know.”
I wonder if it is well-spent to his wife.
And how about the children in his life.
Into all of his chat, he continues to throw
His favorite phrase, one that I do know.
“Well, I guess that it’s time for me to go.
It’s been great meeting you, you know.”
With no toilet seats carelessly left propped up
Oh, now I can be such a comfortable pup
Please take your Playboys straight out that open door
Then shut it quickly; I can take no more!
Be gone with you, take all your shoes
Your hairspray, make-up and your girly blues
Three weeks of the month you loved me fair
For the other week, I lived in fear
MY shoes? Why you foul beast! Your odor eaters
Didn't work! Your smelly boots rest in sewers
Where they belong with that greasy hair goo
That left ugly stains on pink pillows once new
Your pants were too tight, I couldn't get them off
I can now wear my own; no longer you'll scoff
And as for your cooking my health has improved
Your name on the rent book, phew! finally removed
The credit card tab from your pub is gone now, too
That hussy barmaid can deliver it to you
And your shavings that clogged up my bathroom sink
Will be mailed to your mistress fast as you can blink
At least she knew how to look after a man
In bed with you was like a flash in the pan
At least barmaid Betty purred when this Highlander taunted
She was sensuous, delectable and she knew what she wanted
I'll remember you most when viewing pond scum
You sure were a loathsome son of a gun
I'm leaving this pit, too, so what the heck?
I'll send a new address for the alimony check
You'll get your money like you earned it before
Dancing naked on the pole in the floor
I took you in, clothed, cared and fed
But it wasn't me that was in your bed
A Special Poem For Older Folks
A row of bottles on my shelf
cause me to analyze myself.
One yellow pill, I have to pop
goes to my heart so it won't stop.
A little white one that I take
goes to my hands so they won't shake.
The blue ones that I use a lot
tell me I'm happy when I'm not.
The purple pill goes to my brain
and tells me that I have no pain.
The capsules tell me not to wheeze
or cough or choke or even sneeze.
The red ones, smallest of them all,
go to my blood, so I won't fall.
The orange ones, big and bright
prevent my leg cramps in the night.
Such an array of brilliant pills
helping to cure all kinds of ills
but what I'd really like to know...
Is what tells each one where to go!
"Howdy to you all from Colorado! This is Cletus Schlunk reporting,
Where gossip is fair and balanced and there is little or no distorting!
It's the home of the Rockies, Broncos, Nuggets and potholes galore,
And old mining towns like Leadville and Cripple Creek, full of western lore!"
"Hordes of gaping tourists from all over come to visit the Centennial State,
So I collared one to get his views and his comments to you I'll relate."
"Sir, could you spare a few minutes of your time for a little chat?
Tell me where you're from and where did you get that silly hat?"
"Ah'm frum th' great state uv Texus an' that's a hunder'd dollar Stetson son.
Now, don'tcha go a-makin' sport uv me - ah've cum here ta have a little fun!"
"Be forewarned that when sipping a cool Coors, respect the altitude here."
"Yup! Ah've figgered out that jes' one uv 'em will set ya' on yer rear!"
"What do you think of our magnificent mountains reaching for the sky?"
"Shucks! We used to have 'em in Texus an' they wuz nearly twice as high!
But ah'm here ta tell ya', they wuz flattened out years an' years ago.
That's why Texus is th' biggest state in the lower 48, I want ya'all ta know!"
"Have you fished our pristine streams, many that are off the beaten track?"
"Yup! Caught a 30-incher - he wuz a Texus minner so I throwed 'im back!"
"Well, folks, he out-bragged me so I brought the interview to a hasty cease!
Till next time, from Colorful Colorado, I wish each of you happiness and peace!
Robert L. Hinshaw, CMSgt, USAF, Retired
© All Rights Reserved
Placed No. 2 in the "Reporting Live On The Soup" Contest - July 2010
the ocean's my play ground
and pretty days there I be found
I come from the land of pirates and drug runners
but now days I thinks fishin is funner
6 days off shore, my vision a tunnel
while all me mates puke on the gunnel
I cackle and gives the boyz a nod
and holdz tightly to me'z fishin rod
I'z drinkin me'z rum and tea
but then I reel-I'z I need'z to pee
I move a boy'z head, and puts da rod on the gunnel
and unzipps me center pocket for the bladder funnel
so while I was holdin the dong
I see'z "I got a fish on!"
oh how it gave me'z the joys
I caught that fish while pissin on dim boys
by Capt. Mike
ps I glad that fish didn't bite me other pole!
James Gareth is what you call me Destroyer
No charge but released by a good lawyer
A technicality as my names Gareth James!
That’s Gareth first, now I’ve shot you down in flames!
Oh, and my H.C. Hammers, did you want them back?
They may need a wash as they’ve been half way up my crack.
I know they are your favourite undercover police clothes
The cap that came with it, you want that back I suppose?
That must be the cap you was on about?
You shot me! Zap, Zap zigidy Zap
Is that all you could come up with? Put on your thinking cap!
Back to the drawing board, you must go
Find some words, none of yours offend me so!
I called you hot, I remember, for that I know
I meant the humid heat coming from your big toe!
My words of yesterday may rot like you said
Mother nature and I, we share the same bed ;-)
I’m surprised you know what a Haiku is?
Maybe you should hang in your gloves, and try a kids quiz?
I think you need to chose a brand new name
Your reputation now, has been shot down in a flame
Destroyed my poetry, for you have not
Your name again, remind me, for I have forgot?
(I said it would take me a while PD!!! Good fun to write though!!)
For poets seeing this for the first time, it is fun autherised fun between the poets involved!
No new blogs needed!!!
Yes you caused it the creases on my face
I may look like an old book without the last page
But they say I have aged with … somewhat grace
Which, they said laughing, complements my age
It used to be considered as a sexy smile
But I have not used it for a while
Well only when I have a pile
But you cannot count that as a smile
You are as fresh as a polo mint
I hope you can interpret my little hint
It’s been a while since someone made me feel the way
And I thought I’d let you know before the end of the day
Ignore my rhymes
As I use different kinds
As long as you know the way I feel
Naked as an orange without it’s peel
Naked because I am shy
That is the reason, if you wondering why
So from the heart this is from me
Thank you me good friend P.D
She asked him, "Why are you drinking
Before it's 9 am"?
He told her not to worry
She said, "Damn! You're drunk again".
She said that she was tired
Of him sleeping on the couch
She told him forty seven ways
He acted like a slouch
"Get up and fix the plumbing
Go outside and mow the lawn
Close your mouth you stupid ass
Don't let me see you yawn".
"Comb your hair and shave your beard
Look more like a man".
He rubbed his face and shook his head
And said, "How's that again"?
She stomped her feet in fury
As her fist shook back and forth
"I'm going back to mommas
If you don't get up and work".
So he staggered to his feet
And grabbed his britches by the waist
He pulled them up and stumbled off
To find a quiet place
He said that he was going
To the store to by some bread
But never made it further
Than his broke down pick-up bed
Thirty minutes later
He was wakened from his sleep
She took the backyard garden hose
And sprayed him head to feet
He jumped and ran to save himself
And find some place to hide
He heard her cackling like a hen
As she went back inside
He hid behind the bushes
Till he thought the coast was clear
He had to find a way inside
To get another beer
He crept up to the screen door
Looking in to take a peek
He slowly pulled it open
So as not to make it squeak
He slipped inside and closed it
Then he tiptoed 'cross the floor
Quietly he reached out
For refrigerator door
But something caught his eye
And he looked over toward the sink
That dadgum woman took his beer
And poured out all his drink
His head was bent in sorrow
At the tragedy he saw
A dozen soldiers down in flames
And bound by Sundays law
There was nothing left to do
But go and take his seat
Beside his wife of twenty years
Who made his life complete
He loved her 'cause she loved him
It was paradise in hell
He whispered that into her ear
And she said, "Damn you smell".
"Get off me with your drunken breath
Go sit over there".
And so he went and slouched down in
His worn out easy chair
Quietly they watch tv
Into the dark of night
Then went to bed with word unsaid
And turned out all the lights
The end
Rockman :-)
I was meeting me girlfriend , sexy Cherry Russ
When I saw her hands go up to her mouth and she did cuss
There was this whooshing sound
And before I looked round
I was hit by the wing-mirror of a bus
With a broken jaw, to get to hospital was a mission
That wasn’t the end of me plight of painful petitions
Instead of wiring up me jaw
Something worse I implore
They mistook me for a patient that needed circumcision
Through wired teeth, I said I‘d sue for loads a cash
As I ate through a straw blended veg and meat and mash
Suddenly I had the urge to sing
As the wires came free, I screamed
Caused by the nurse accidentally knocking on the laughing gas
They going to kill me I thought in agonising pain
So I tried to escape by jumped through the window which is insane
They didn’t tell me I was two stories high
I must tell you humans don’t fly
Now I got a walk identical to John Wayne